Monday, August 29, 2011

12!

I have a few blog ideas, but I don't wanna cry tonight, and when I write about Kenz I cry a lot.

Facts About Me

12. I make a wish at 7:21, 4:23 and 10:19.

11. I'm not even a little bit mad at Erika and I never have been. I'll make a blog about this later.

10. I love books. I refuse to read on the new electronic tablets. I love the feel of pages, and I read in the shower.

9. I don't like most people. I like them individually. But I don't like groups of people.

8. My kidneys suck. Usually my left one, but sometimes my right one too.

7. I Facebook creep, like a pro! Public profiles are one of my favorite things.

6. I love Dr. Phil. I used to like Oprah, before she had a behind the scenes show. Then I saw what she is really like and I don't like her very much.

5. I am pretty offensive. Always.

4. I'm in a same-sex relationship. I'm not gay. But I'll call myself a lesbian if it's easier for you. I'll marry my girl someday.

3. My family is awesome, all of them, even my parents. We fight and drive each other crazy, but we love each other a lot and I don't keep secrets from them.

2. My life changed on July 11, 2011.

1. My little sister is my very best friend.

Friday, August 26, 2011

"Stay Strong!"

At the beginning of this journey, we were praying for Kenzie to live. Everyday she was back and forth between critical and stable. Then she lived. Then we started waiting, then we kept waiting. 

Every single day our lives is a roller coaster. Somedays the doctors are hopeful, sometimes they say she won't ever wake up. Then she moves or acts like she knows we are there and our hearts soar! Just to have the doctor come in and tell us the best thing for her is to just let her die. 

It's so hard to keep hoping and have faith when you know that even if she comes back, it won't be MY Kenzie. Sometimes the doctors say that she will have no quality of life and absolutely no chance of an independent life. 

And then she moves finger when my parents ask her to... 

How are you supposed to take all that? It's such an emotional journey and when people say "stay strong" I wanna punch them in the face. If you were in my situation, (your little sister/best friend's life has been taken, but yet she is still alive) how would YOU take it. How in the world would you possibly be able to "stay strong"? Your entire life has been flipped upside down, you have to watch your parents' hearts break, Kenzie's friends hurting and your extended family crumbling. Every morning when I wake up I have to ask myself "How are you going to get yourself through the day?" and every night it's so easy to think "Wouldn't it be so simple to just not wake up?" but then I think of my parents and Starr and it's such a selfish thought. You have to deal with her life being over, the thought of her starting a new one and if it really is best for us to be keeping her here.

In my heart, I feel that Kenzie isn't ready to quit. She waited for the EMT's to get there before she stopped breathing and she hasn't quit since. Her heart hasn't skipped a beat. I think she will let us know when she's ready, and from what I see, she isn't even close.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hurty Heart

Oh, how my heart is hurting today. It's the first day of school at Fergus and Kenzie should have been there. We should have gone school shopping, not nursing home shopping. She should be  looking for homecoming dress, not wearing a hospital gown. Today, I would have been in Bismarck, waiting for Kenzie to get out of school so I could hear all about it. She was really excited for FFA and her AG classes. Her friends would know how excited she was for those Senior boys to graduate so she wouldn't have to deal with them anymore. She would have missed her summer job, watching those Martin kids. But during the school year they come over every Wednesday. Kenzie would probably be tearing up the town this weekend, in Daddy's truck.

Momma would have spent the last few weeks getting her classroom ready. She LOVES her classes, as challenging as they may be. I know she misses her co-workers (they are great ladies! I would know, I worked there for 2 years) and the kids with her whole heart. I know it's hard for her to be away.

Okay, enough of the sad stuff. There are a few reasons I started this blog. One, this situation is a tragedy and it would be really easy for me to be mad at God, Erika and everyone who is still living a 'normal' life. It's an ongoing challenge, but my goal is for me to open up my heart, to everyone. (I'm still working on it. There are a few people that aren't welcome yet.) I don't want to grow up and be bitter. I want my heart to be full of hope, faith and love. It's going to take work, but it will be worth it. There are somedays when I can say "It happened, it sucked, how do we move forward." Sometimes its harder, usually when I'm being selfish and wanting Kenzie back for me.

Another reason I share is because, I want people to see how real it is. It isn't a movie or a book, it's our life, and while they may get to keep living their's, we don't. Hopefully someday, someone will read this who is going through a similar situation and maybe it will help them.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

We Had to Learn it Somewhere...

We have always been a pretty close family, my parents are the kind of people you can tell anything to. They might get pissed... but you know their love is unconditional and they'll get over it sooner or later. They are two of the most amazing and accepting people you'll ever meet. They love us no matter what. Kenzie and I knew that whatever we decided to do with our lives they would be there to support us. They have been together since high school, that's over 20 years. Not very many people in this day and age can say that their parents are still married and in love. Sure, they have had hiccups in their relationship but they have taught us that if you are committed and willing to work through your problems that sooner or later, you'll come out on top and you'll come out together.

My dad- Shy, quiet,and witty. He loves us girls so much. He always worries about us no matter we're doing. When I have questions, about anything, I call him and 9 times out of 10, he has the answer. He has perfect timing and sometimes his remarks are so inappropriate that you just do a double take and say "Wait, what?" (Like that one time he called Kenzie a transvite in Wal-Mart)

My mom- Loud, loud and loud! She is totally accepting and has a passion for teaching little kids. She loves to have a good time and will sit and bullshit with you for hours. Growing up, I could tell her anything. She made it a point to be best friends with both Kenzie and I. When I was a Senior in high school, we went a road trip to Idaho for a relative's funeral. We didn't even listen to the radio, just talked the whole way there. On the way back we stopped at EVERY SINGLE little town, it didn't matter how small. It took us forever to get back, but I can honestly say that was one of the best weekends I've had.




YEP. That's their prom picture.


Monday, August 22, 2011

My Sister, My Friend

This post is going to be a little different. There isn't a 'theme'. I didn't really wanna write because I've been a wreck the past two days, but I figured once I took a day off I wouldn't come back. I have a few things I want to address. So here we are!

First, I'm going to be bitchy and say that it drives me crazy when people say "Just open your eyes, girl" or "Let's see those beautiful eyes!" Kenzie has sleep/wake cycles. When she is sleeping her eyes are closed, when she is awake her eyes are open. HER EYES ARE OPEN. But they don't move. Well, the right one twitches a bit but thats it. Okay, just had to get that off my chest.

I went through all of my old Facebook messages from Kiz today, most of them are completely inappropriate. But here is a keeper.

Kenz- i want you here.
Me- i know. i'm sorry.
Kenz- not youre fault.
Me- i love you. always. the most.
Kenz- i love you so much. i can't even tell you.
Me- you will always be the best friend that makes all my other best friends a little less.
Kenz- same to you, even if they are just a little bit less.

A few people have asked me to make Kenzie and I's relationship a blog topic. But I can't. I'm not ready. It hurts too bad.

Today, I held my Kenzie's hand and cried. I did both all day. I told how much I missed her and how I was waiting for her to come back. I told her about the accident. I told her that Erika is okay. I told her that today is August 22nd and that she has been away for 42 days. I told her I loved her and I cried some more. I told her she can't talk to me because she broke her jaw and it's wired shut.

I prayed out loud. I asked God to help her, heal her brain and bring her back to us. I told him that I'm selfish and I want my sister. He can't have her yet.

She squeezed my hand a few times. She moved her face a few times. She turned her head towards me.
I'm got a few videos of her moving when I was talking to her, but I'm not sure about sharing them yet.
Here are a bunch of Kenzie pictures! The first one is her new haircut, poor girl. The one after that is a picture of her from today. The rest are from the last 2 years or so. Pictures of us, just loving each other.









& a girlfriend picture cause I miss her. :)

Sunday, August 21, 2011

My Kiz

This afternoon, I had a 3 hour breakdown. Because I am missing my sister.

I gave her so many names. Kenz, Kiz, Kizzy, MJ (I always got hit after saything that one) Sister, Ginger, Little Sister, Little Big Sister. That punk was always taller than me.

I miss her so much. My heart aches.

We played barbies til 2 in the morning. When Mom and Dad would go up town, we would close the curtains turn up the country music and we would dance! Last summer, every moment we got, we were on the gravel roads, not thinking, not feeling, just hanging out, music loud and we were singing along.

I miss her. I miss my sister. I miss my best friend. I miss our relationship. I miss the 2 hour phone calls in the middle of the night. I miss our inside jokes and the random texts that would make my day. I miss her calling me and saying 'Kayla, Facebook fight, back me up'. I miss her dancing in the living room with her little shorts and tank top on. I miss her voice. that laugh. that smile. I miss the days we wouldn't do our hair or makeup and we would spend the entire day at the pasture with mom doing chores. We would complain the entire day, even though we didn't have anything better to do. I'm a pretty touchy person and Kenzie would always hold my hand. She is absolutely, hands down, the greatest girl I've ever met. I miss her teasing, her loud voice, her personality. We would go to lunch together every single day. Going to lunch with Kenzie usually means going to town pump to get some corn dogs and a blue mt. dew. We were inserperable my last year at home and I knew Kenzie didn't want me to move. I'm so sorry I did.

When I'm at the hospital I feel devastated. When I'm away, I feel guilty. 

I'm fucking pissed. Everyone else gets to keep their sisters. I want mine. We are supposed to get old together. I want my sister back. It isn't fair of God to give her to me just long enough to love her. I can't even hear her voice in my dreams anymore. I want her to call me and tell me about this great truck she just saw. I want her to recognize me. I want her to know how much I love her.

Drown in Love and Memories

Dad was raised Catholic and Mom was raised Presbyterian. Grandma Betty goes to Mass every Saturday night. Grandma Mona taught Sunday school. Kenzie and I weren't really raised in any religion. Keah's family took us a to Wednesday School at the Methodist Church in Lewistown for a while, but we didn't go very often after we were allowed to stay home alone. Joel and I went to a Buddhist Temple last fall, there was a lot of meditating and my attention span could not handle it.

Religion wasn't something we talked about very much at our house. We had a few dusty Bibles on our bookshelves, but it just wasn't a priority. Kenzie and I had had enough conversations for me to know that she was a christian.

God and I have a "unique" relationship. I don't personally believe in the Bible, I'm not a christian. I think the Bible is a collection of stories that were written to help people develop good morals, but I do not believe that it was written by God or from God's words.

 Everyday, God and I go back and forth. Somedays I think that he is the reason Kenzie is lying in that bed, that if he is 'almighty' then he has the power to make her better and our lives back together. Those are the days that I hate him, those are the days that we bad news from doctors, those are the days I watch Mom's heart break and know there is nothing I can do to help my parent's hurt. Those are the bad days, the 'stay in bed all day' days, the 'cry at everything and hate the kids that get to go back to school' days. Those days are tough. Those are the days when the panic attacks take over. Those are the days that most people don't see.

Of course we have good days. Those days that I ask God to help my sister, help my family, give us strength. Those are the days that people see. When people say "You are so strong." Those are the days when Kenzie responds and the pressure is down. Lately, there hasn't been many of those days in this family. But I still have hope. Kenzie is young, the brain takes 2 years to heal after a tramatic injury and your brain isn't fully developed until you are 24 years old. Kenzie has time on her side, I think we need to give her that time and in the meantime do everything WE can: good karma, positive thoughts, check out alternative medicine.

After saying all that, I do appreciate everyone's prayers. Everyone interacts differently with 'their' God. Everyone has their own personal relationship with him/her and it never hurts to ask for healing. I mean with Kenzie, we are going to use everything possible. I am thankful for everyone that says a prayer for her or our family and just because it's not my religion or belief system doesn't mean it doesn't help.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Angels Among Us

While everyone has been so supportive and helpful throughout our journey, I believe that there are some poeple that deserve a special recognition.

Starr - You have have been so supportive and willing to help. I appreciate that you are here as much as you be and I'm grateful to you for driving me back and forth. We have such a unique relationship, you are my very best friend. You have always been willing to listen and talk. You keep me sane. Thank you for loving me. I'm excited about our future together.

Katie - I just love you so much! You are a rockstar! You have been with us every step of the way, either by vising, texting, calling or Facebook rape-ing. You let me vent with ridiculously long text messages. You are irreplaceable.You devoted your time to organizing a very succesful fundraiser. You are an amazing woman.

Ande - Mom! You have been awesome. My parents would be lost without you. Thank you for getting everything put together so my parents can put all their time and energy into Kenzie. I love you.

Terri - Thank you so much for keeping things in line at home, without you I don't know what we would do.
Rosie McGuire - Thank you for making it so easy to be with my family. I can't express how much that means to me.

Twyla - The stickers, the magnets, and the raffle. What an angel you are! You did so much for a family you hadn't met before. Now I feel like I could tell you anything. You are an extraordinary human being with a heart so full of love, compassion, kindness and strength.

Lesley Yates-Logan - You have gone above and beyond with your love. I see Pray for Kenzie bracelets ever. Thank you for opening your heart and for the way you love us as if you have loved us your whole life.

Lesley Berg, Leah Wright and Vicki Eades - Kenzie would be so proud of the FFA members that have donated their time selling raffle tickets. I know she was looking forward to Nationals, so you girls have will to send a lot of pictures.

Tanya and Abbi - Thank you all you did with the fundraiser! I know it would have been almost impossible without you girls.

Tracy Kirby - I know we have a lot of pets and they are kind of high maintance but you lifted a huge wait off of my parents' shoulders by staying at the house. I don't know what we would have done without you.

Jamie Shenk - You were the first to do a fundraiser. Thank you for donating your time to make it a success.

Jaime Quigley - You let me vent or whine or complain all I want and you never jugde. You are a vital member of your family. Give Presley a kiss for me.

Madison - I don't know very many 16 year olds who would make the long drive from Sturgis on little notice. You, me and Kenz were attached at the hip. I'm so glad that you have my back, no matter what. I know Kenzie loves you just as much as I do. You know who you are and won't change for anybody, you tell people what's up. I am lucky to have you in my life.

Joel - You have been with us every little step of the way. You are a great best friend/brother. You are so honest and real. Whenever I have a question you almost always have the answer. (Like the idea of this blog) Love you!

Grant - Thank you for picking us up at the airport and always checking in on Kenzie. You are one of the amazing people that our family is made of.

Cat - I have no idea where we would be staying if it werent for you. We owe you, bigtime!

Shelley Zibell - Thanky you for the bracelets and thank you for letting me be completely honest with you. No matter what I'm thinking. I know we have had a few bumpy spots but I'm glad we could put that behind us, because you are one compassionate lady!

Kelsey Potter - Thank you for starting the prayer page. I know you and Kenzie didn't always get along but I am so impressed with you.

Amie Wieder - The leftovers from wedding a life saver. I never knew I could miss homemade meals so much!
Tricia - Thank you for checking on me and checking on Kenzie and being so supportive. I love that you accept me for who I am.

Rebecca - Thank you for always backing Kenzie and I up. I love you.

Sandra and Penny - I don't even know what to say. You two have always been there for me, Kenzie, and my parents. You both are always up for laugh and I hope someday I have half the strength,

I am thankful for each and everyone of you. The love that surrounds our family is overwhelming. (in a good way) I deeply apologize if I missed someone.

If this is full of typos its because it took forever to type and I do not feel like proofreading.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Tell Me I'm a Wreck

Kenzie had a good day today, found out she is no longer in a coma. She is in a vegetative state and has sleep wake cycles. 

Here goes..

This entire journey has been full of ups and downs. I am balancing a work schedule, a relationship, trying to be with Kenzie as much as I can, traveling, keeping everyone updated and trying to be as strong as I can. I am so thankful to everyone who has been there for my family, whether emotionally, physically or financially. 

Having said all that... There are a select few that are making this more stressful than it needs to be. I have been called a bad sister, selfish. immature and that I will get no where in life. All of the because I wouldn't give them personal updates whenever they asked. It's challenging to update everyone individually. I do the best I can. 

Another thing that makes me crazy... There is one particular girl who posts day and night, who makes makes me crazy. She was an awful friend to Kenzie. She even came to our house to fight Kenzie. She had the audacity to tell me they made up and that I probably didn't talk to Kenzie enough to know that. Excuse me? Kenzie and I talked every singe day. She is my best friend. Other people that Kenzie didn't like told me they are putting that aside and praying for her. This girl just blatantly lies to me. It bothers me that she pretends to care so much and that they are such good friends and everyone believes her. They aren't even friends on Facebook! She pushes herself on my family and doesn't realize her boundaries. 

People don't understand how easy it is to know what's going on with Kenzie. We post updates regularly and in multiple places. I understand that people really do care, but it's frustrating when they ask for updates and telling me to keep them posted. I'm only one girl. for updates and telling me to keep them posted. I'm only one girl. 

Her Eyes, That's Where Hope Lies...

Kenzie and I had a little sister moment today. I told her I love her and her eyes, which have been unresponsive; twitched a little bit. When I talked to her, her eyelids fluttered and her head moved and she swallowed big. All of those things could be reflexes, but deep inside I don't think they were. I am mourning the loss of the sister I knew, this is going to be a different sister. Who I will love even more because I know what its like to lose her.

My Kenzie was loud and obnoxious and silly and sweet and caring and she would do anything for the ones she loved. The Kenzie that got in the car that day, won't be back. But having said all that, I'm excited for who she is going to become and how she is going to fly over these hurdles. I'm going to include some pictures in this post, from the day after the accident, all the way up to today. I want everyone to see how well her body has healed.



This is the day after the accident.

Her half mullet.








This last picture is of her with her eyes open. She's so pretty.

City Lights/Introduction

Hey everyone! I'm going to be doing personal and some medical information here. Warning: I am going to vent, talk about my girlfriend, swear and sometimes be a brat. But hopefully not all at the same time. If any of these things makes you uncomfortable, go ahead and feel free to stop reading.

These days its pretty hard to be me. So far I have it under control, but everyone has a breaking point. I work at Skyes Enterprises in Bismarck, ND as a customer service representative and I actually love my job. They have been really understanding of my situation and let me do a schedule change. I have an absolutely amazing girlfriend, named Starr. She is an amazing supporter and she is with me whenever she can be. I have fallen head of heels for this girl. She drove Mom and I to the airport this morning at 5:30 this yesterday morning.

We landed in Seattle at 8 a.m. yesterday morning, the traffic was crazy. Luckily for us, my cousin Grant, picked us up and took us to the hospital. We found Dad and Kenzie in the Pediatric ICU, as soon as we reached the room we had to say "Hi" and "Bye" to Kenz. She got an ICPD put in her brain this morning, that's going to remove the spinal fluid that has been slowly pooling and causing pressure inside her skull.This procedure went well, it just took longer than we expected because they had to order up different antibiotics. (Kenz is allergic to penicillin)

 Dad and Mom went back at about 3 but Kenzie didn't get out of her surgery til around 5:30, they put a little scope in her leg and followed up her veins so they could get a good picture of her artery and the aneurysm that she has on the left side of her head. Now, its just a waiting game. The doctors are hoping the artery will fix itself and there will be no stint needed.  Originally, we were supposed to be here for only a few days, but now its 7-10. That's only if everything goes smoothly.

This city is so big. It is a huge culture shock for a small time girl like me. I'm so thankful for our wide open spaces. The hospital is on Capitol Hill and its called Harbor View. "Grey's Anatomy" was actually based off of this very same hospital.