Thursday, October 27, 2011

God's a Dick


I'm tired of living in a world without Kenzie's laugh. I'm tired of having to keep my mind busy all the time. The only time I can't keep my mind is busy is when I'm driving. So I cry to and from work. I want everyone's heart to be full again. Missing her hasn't gotten any easier. 






Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Starr

In this blog I'm gonna try to explain my Starr.

She has overcome so much in her short life. She has gone through more then any person I've ever know, heard of or read about. She has been to hell and back and is still here to tell about it.

Starr is also the most forgiving person that I have ever met and she gives EVERYONE a second chance, a third and sometimes a fourth. It amazes me because I am at a point where I'm done with people. I have no desire to work towards a relationship with someone who has done me wrong. But if anyone in her life wants to talk, she'll be there. No matter what else she has going on in her life.

I fell in love with her because she is intelligent, ambitious, selfless, beautiful, loving and inspiring. She has been my cheerleader, confidant, best friend, lover and life saver.

When I'm having a bad night and I need to talk, she is perfectly okay with me waking her up at 2 in the morning. She will stay awake and listen and talk to me til 5 in the morning. Other nights we lay in bed laughing until it's so late that we are scared to look at the clock.

Don't get me wrong, we do have our arguments and there are some things that we don't agree on. Lately our schedules have been so off and we don't get to spend time together unless we are in the same bed, sleeping next to each other. But I do know that it's worth it.

Even though I've been having some difficulty trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be, I do know that I want all to be all of those things for her.

The world would be a more beautiful place if everyone had a significant other like I do.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

"Time Heals All Wounds"

Having a social life has been put on the back burner. I don't want to hang out with anyone, I don't want anyone to come over. It feels like everyone gets to keep living their lives and I'm still stuck in July.

The whole world stopped for a little while, everyone would write on Kenzie's wall and the prayer pages and they would go visit her. Now it's few and far between. The world started moving again.

I'm still feeling all the same emotions that I did on July 11th. Scared, broken and empty.

I get so pissed seeing other people just live. I think 'How can you do that?' or "How can your heart not be completely shattered?'

Time has healed nothing.

I quit living that day. I've only been existing. Everything I've known has changed. It used to be Kenzie and I against the world. Now it's me against the world and Kenzie is just fighting to live.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Just Like A Tattoo

Today, I added another Kenzie tattoo to my body. I got it above my first Kenzie tattoo. That one says Sorror Mea, which means my sister, my friend in Latin. The heart by wrist is two K's. For Kayla and Kenzie. I got that one last December. My new one says 'You don't have to die to have your life taken.'

In the past week I've had a few moments where I remember my sister and then I think of her laying in her hospital bed. I can't think of it like that. It devastates me. It's easier to think that MY Kenzie died, and that this is a new Kenzie. We'll call my Kenzie 'Kiz' so it's less confusing.

I sometimes think that I'm just crazy. But it hurts my heart a lot less to think that Kiz is still alive and in that body. Every time the thought passes my mind I have to stop or I'll have a break down. I still can't let my mind be idle. I have to constantly be on my phone, reading something, or talking to someone.

I don't sleep very well. Last week, Girlfriend and I gave up pop. I also gave up caffeine, thinking it would be easier to fall asleep. I'm also trying to not take so many pills to fall asleep. I didn't take anything last night and I was getting tired so I put my phone, immediately my thoughts went to Kiz, and I of course started crying. So I took a sleeping pill and picked my phone up, searching the Internet for something to occupy my mind until I was too exhausted to keep my eyes open. Between the depression, insomnia and emptiness I don't know what to do with myself. I try to keep going and keep a smile on my face.

I'm glad my family, friends and girlfriend still put up with me. Sometimes I think that I'm beyond saving.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Homeless

I am lost.

I feel like I have no 'home'. I have an apartment, of course. I have my parents' house. I know Sandra and Perry's house is always open.

Lewistown was my home. I moved away when I was 18 and 2 days old, July 23rd, 2010. I moved to Billings to live with Sandra and Perry and I cried for 2 weeks. I thought I missed Lewistown, but really I just missed my family. I don't consider Lewistown my home anymore because that was Kenzie and I's place. Now neither of us are there.

I lived in Billing for 8 months, but I didn't really settle in.

In April I moved to Bismarck. I can not wait to leave. There are no mountains, no family, no attachments except Starr. I feel like I have no friends here, no one I can go to and trust. It was easier to handle before because I would just call Kenzie. She always listened and kept my secrets and loved me unconditionally.

My parents now live in a camper, in Great Falls. Kenzie lives in a a nursing home. Great Falls isn't my home.

I have no direction, I have too many dreams and wants. I feel no attachment to any physical place. I feel like I'm losing my grip on who I am. I can feel it happening but I don't know how to stop it.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Lewistown

Kenzie and I were both born and raised in Lewistown, Mt. We lived in the same house for 15 years. We did so many things and made so many memories there.

This past weekend was the first time that I have been in Lewistown without Starr and with my own car. Every time I drove anywhere I looked to my right and expected to see Kenzie in my passengers seat. Every time I looked, she wasn't there. Every time she wasn't there, it broke my heart.

When I lived in Lewistown, Kenzie and I were inseparable. We did everything together. We would go to school, go to lunch, go to the pasture, drive around and then go home. We would stay up late talking and laughing and every time Dad yelled at us to get in bed we say that we were on our way. We built Kenzie's downstairs bedroom during my senior year. We put a sliding door between our rooms and we deemed her bedroom 'Narnia'. We would leave the door open unless Kenz was being a crab ass or we were each watching something different.

No matter where I go in town or out of town... there is a memory. All the nights we would drive the loop, her and Madison dancing in the Town Pump parking lot, teaching her and Gabby to drive manual at the subdivision, puddle jumping at the cemetary with Sara and Sarah. Plus a million more, I can still see Kenzie sitting to my right, filling up the seat with her long legs and a mane of brown hair, her window down, her right hand outside the car, nodding her head and singing at the top of her lungs whether she knew the words or not.

I can not handle Lewistown without Kenzie in it.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Let's Set the Record Straight

Sometimes people are ridiculous. People who weren't my friends before the accident are all of the sudden my best friends without even knowing anything about me. These are some of the things my 'friends' say to me:

How is Kenzie?

Is she talking?

Is she awake?

I'm so glad she didn't die.

Don't lose hope.

God is going to heal her and she is going to come out of this and be the same girl, it will be like it never even happened. 

If you are my Facebook friend and you ask me how Kenzie is, I will probably delete you. Updates are posted on both prayer pages, my Facebook page and CaringBridge when anything happens. I really don't know what you want me to say. Do you want me to say "Oh, she's good." She isn't good. She's sixteen years old and she lives in a nursing home. She can't scratch her nose, tell you where it hurts or laugh. She won't be at homecoming, she won't graduate from high school. She is fed through a feeding tube and she has a trach. But when I do answer that question honestly I get the "I'm sorry"s then an awkward silence. 

Of course Kenzie isn't talking. If she was, you'd know. We broadcast every little thing she does, do you think we'd keep that from people?

Kenzie has been awake for 2 months. She is in a vegetative state. That has been posted EVERYWHERE. Her eyes don't focus. We don't know what she can or can't see. 

For the people that say "At least she's alive" I hate you. My sister isn't alive, she lost her personality, every day of her life is going to be a struggle. The Kenzie that everyone knew is gone. Death is easier, because I have to grieve my sister and just when I think that I'm healed, I realize that she is still here. But she can't hug me or talk to me. Kenzie has extensive brain damage. No one fully recovers from a traumatic brain injury but they can make progress. That's what we hope for... progress. She won't ever be the same.

We have never given up hope. EVER. How could you possibly think that we could? We hope every day for more healing.

Sometimes people say things about me behind my back to my loved ones, I've heard of a few of them but the two that pissed me off the most were: "Kayla is doing all of this for attention" and "How is Kenzie? Be brutally honest." 

People can say whatever they want about me because the people that really love me know me. In July and August, I was doing Kenzie updates because people wanted to know, it's easier to post something on Facebook then to call all of my family and friends. I'm writing this blog for me, I write to release my feelings. It makes me feel better, and if someone reads it and it helps them with what they are feelings then even better. But it is not for everyone to say "Poor Kayla". That isn't what I'm looking for. It's for me to share with people how am I dealing with these life changes. It's my feelings, emotions, thoughts and dreams. I'm proud of it. You don't have to be and you don't have to read it. 

The second one is ridiculous. You don't even know Kenzie, if you want gossip you can go somewhere else. There are better things to talk about then my family's tragedy. 

The Way

Right now, I'm sick and tired of everything. I want to vent and scream and cry and then talk it out.

I want to do all of that with my best friend. But she can't talk back to me.

She always has the words to make it right and I don't even have to say anything for her to know what's wrong. I miss her voice and her smell and the way she makes me feel. The way she would just talk and talk and talk when I called her. We could talk for hours and not run out of anything to say. I miss the way she would hold my hand whenever I wanted her to. She would even do it in public. The way she would dance when a song she liked came on, the way we would make eye contact when knew what the other person was thinking. I miss the way she would bite her bottom lip and grunt when she hip checked me. I miss all the cute Facebook notes she would leave me. I miss her threatening to kill anyone who made me sad. I miss the way she would yell 'Suck my dick!' at the top her lungs. I miss the butt wars we would have in the bathroom when we were getting ready for school in the morning. I miss her telling me that I was making her late, like always. I miss bothering her until she finally let me paint her nails.

I miss the way she smiled with her eyes, her laugh and her voice. I miss Kenzie. I miss my best friend. I miss my little sister.







Monday, October 3, 2011

Out of the Darkness

On October 1st, Starr and I went to Out of the Darkness walk at the North Dakota State capitol. There were over 1,000 people there. Each of the participants got a colored strand of beads. Starr's was purple, which means that she has lost a loved one to suicide. Mine was green, because I'm struggling with suicide myself.

Those are all people walking

Before the walk we listened to people talk about how suicide has effected them. One person lost a child, one a sibling, one a spouse and one friend. One lady talked about how she worked at a funeral home for years and how she used to get so mad at victims of suicide for hurting the ones they loved. She told us that now she can see it from their point of view.

I used to be appalled at how someone could kill themselves and leave behind all their loved ones, leaving them all in turmoil. I could not believe that a person could hurt so bad that they couldn't be alive anymore. I couldn't believe that love wasn't enough to keep them living. Now, in my darkest points, I can see how someone could make that decision and go through with it. I can see how the pain swallows someone and how hard it can be to live with. Everyone in the world can say that they love you but that doesn't take away anything. I know how difficult it is to live with that daily hurt. I know how it is to want to die and escape to escape the pain.

I have taken my first step out of the darkness, I hope the shame that comes with admitting that you suffer from depression will be nonexistent sometime in my life.

I'm featuring the blogs of two of the most important people in my life:

Starr:http://starrbrown.tumblr.com/


Katie:http://kenziezarn.blogspot.com/