Monday, January 30, 2012

Honesty: The Best Of All The Lost Hearts

Not enough people are honest anymore.

It's just easier to say something that might not be the whole truth then to be truthful and hurt someone's feelings. It's easy to put up with someone you don't like. It's easy to talk about something trivial like the weather or what movie you saw this weekend. It's easy to ignore what's going unsaid. It's easy to internalize pain and go on with your daily life. It's easy to go to sleep and forget about the hurt. It's easy to cry at night and pray no one can hear you.

But the hard thing to do, is always the right thing to do. It takes courage to do the right thing.

It's hard to tell the truth, no matter what happens or who gets hurt. It's hard to end a friendship, even when you've quit liking that person. It's hard to talk about what's going on inside your head and heart. It's hard to talk about what everyone is thinking, but what no one is saying. It's hard to reach out and ask for help. It's hard ask someone to stay up and talk about the pain you're feeling.

I'm an honest girl, sometimes to a fault. I tell my parents everything, probably too much. When we talk there isn't anything I omit. Anyone can ask me anything, I'll tell them the answer with no filter. I went through my sneaky years in high school where I got tangled in lies a few times, but then I realized that it's just easier to tell the truth. I don't have to worry about keeping my story straight, I don't feel guilty, I don't dwell on anything. I talk about it. Everything is out there in the open. I live publicly for a few reasons:

1. It's a challenge to not be bitter. When you reach out to people, they reach back. They bring light and love with them and it renews hope when the world seems too dark.

2. It keeps me accountable. I have nothing to hide and it's a relief. I don't post my every thought or everything that happens in my life, but I do post everything that pertains to just me. I don't always include issues that happen in my family life, but that's not for my protection, that's for my family's.

Because I put myself out there, I open myself up to critiscm and judgement. I haven't grown a thicker skin, although some would say I should. I don't want things not to bother me. I don't want to have an 'I don't care' attitude. I want to feel everything. I want to keep my heart open.

To me honesty is one of the most important qualities to have. I always stay true to myself. I am by no means perfect, but I open my heart and my mind to anyone willing to listen. I know some people who are not honest, and that is hard for me. I always say "go big or go home". I apply that to most things in life, including honesty; be honest or shut the hell up.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

My Lifeline

Starr has kept me going these past few months and especially the last couple weeks. She's saved me from everything, including myself. She's been there the nights I've sat up crying, wanting to die. She's been there for all the laughs, most of which she started. She always takes my side. She loves me, not matter what I do. She forgives all my flaws and she embraces my strengths. I love you babe. Thank you.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Strength Doesn't Have Anything To Do With It

It's hard to go through every day fighting something that can't be seen. It's hard to talk about depression because it has a negative connotation. It wasn't something that was ever talked about in my house, at least not until I was older. In today's society it's embarrassing to talk about struggling with depression. People consider you weak. They try to 'help' you with it by saying "You're stronger than that." That doesn't help. That makes you feel worse, that makes you not want to talk about it again. It makes you feel like you aren't living up to someone's idea of strong.

It's exactly the same story with suicide. Everyone is all about suicide prevention these days, but when someone contemplating suicide reaches out to them, they respond with "suicide is the easy way out" or "suicide is selfish." Do you know that when you say those things, thinking that you'll guilt the person into staying alive, or making them see it your way the only thing you're doing is changing your relationship with that person. They shared one of their biggest secrets with you and you made them feel shameful and guilty for wanting to end the pain they are in.

People don't kill themselves without reason. Can you imagine how much pain they would need to be in not want to live anymore? That's not something most people take lightly. Why would you call them weak for not wanting to hurt anymore?

Everyone has their own pain tolerance, everyone has been through different experiences. Telling someone that is struggling with suicidal thoughts that it’s the easy way out or that they need to stay strong is like a slap in the face. If someone opens up to you about suicide, be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Brook!

Sarcastic, blunt, thoughtful, caring, bad ass, loyal and honest. I've never met anyone with such a huge heart and who stands up for what she thinks is right, every time. It takes a lot of courage to do that and I look up to her for that. When we hang out we can talk about Kenzie and remember her exactly as she was, not what we wanted her to be. We talk about the good, the bad and the hilarious. We talk about the memories, no matter how much it hurts.

The Memories:

Raspberry primetimes, Lil Wayne, the loop and talking about everything under the sun

The Good:

Her sense of humor, dancing, singing and laughing

The Bad:

Her boy drama

The Hilarious:

Loud, obnioxious, inappropriate and ridiculousness

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I'm with Brook, it feels like I have a little bit of Kenzie back. I really miss them both right now.

Over

I'm tired, I'm tired of fighting with every one. I'm tired of constantly having my to be on my guard this week because I turn around and someone else is attacking me or Starr or us as a couple. My parents and I got into it a few times last week, there was the 6 month mark and Erika's sentencing. Me copying and pasting the things from Starr's friends is 'bashing'. Me deciding to stay until November is 'breaking everyone's heart.'

I've been fighting so hard to defend myself. There isn't anything left in me. I'm numb and exhausted and it's over.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Problem and Solution

Since the people that go to Mary are whiny bitches. I'm not posting about them here anymore, because instead of taking up their issues with me, they will not leave my girlfriend alone. You can read about those adventures at noneyabusinesspunk.blogspot.com

To request an invitation you can email me at kayla.zarn@hotmail.com

We've all grown up, and there's no denying that. But its tough to tell if in that growing up, we've simply grown apart.

Personally, my relationship is a higher priority than my friendships.

I love my friends. But Starr is the one who puts up with my shit every single day. If I need to talk, I can wake her up at 3 in the morning and she'll stay up all night. She loves me unconditionally and forgives me no matter what I do. When everyone else turns their back, she's got mine. Whether I'm having an issue with Sammy, my parents or Erika, she is in my corner, just like Kenzie would be. That's a lot more than I can say for others in my life. Starr is a part of me. When we are together is when I feel the least broken. We aren't codependent but we are dependent on each other. We've built a life together, we are best friends, we have a healthy relationship. We are good for each other. She keeps me grounded and I easy her anxiety. We aren't obsessed with each other, we are in love.

Like any happy couple, we like to be together. With her going to school and both of us working 40 hours a week, we don't get to spend that much time together. Yes, we go to the same place every night. But after talking on the phone all day, we like to veg and watch TV at night. Just because we're laying in the same bed doesn't mean its 'quality time together.' So when we do have the same days off, we want to spend them together.

My friends don't talk shit about Starr. My friends know that she makes me happy and they want us to be together. The first time we were together there were some issues, but this second time around everyone has been supportive. We can go weeks or months without talking because none of us are high maintenance, we don't need to be constantly reassured that other people care about us because we know what we mean to each other. Even though we are young, we have each been able to grow up together, while maintaining our own identities.

Starr's friends don't like me. They get mad when Starr doesn't constantly text them or go out to the bars with them. According to them, I was an attention whore when I posted Kenzie's medical updates. I'm controlling when Starr only hangs out for 2 hours instead of 4. They freak the fuck out when we have Girlfriend day because "it's inconvenient when they can't text her for 24 hours." Sometimes, Starr lives her own life instead of doing what they think she should doing and guess what? They get butt hurt about that too. Because of my last blog, they have labeled her 'a shitty friend' and I'm 'a little bitch.' Starr has gone through a lot of shit in the past 6 months, her friends expect her to be the same person she used to be. But, because she is mature, when shit got real, she grew up. She now has school, work, homework, a full time job, financial responsibility and a girlfriend to balance.

Since apparently, other people's brains don't work the way mine does, this needs to be said:

Most of us have that day when you think of one of your friends and say, "We don't have anything in common, we are at different places in life." You'd think at that moment you would stop making that person a priority. You don't have to be someone's friend because it's a habit. You are someone's friend because they add something positive to your life. If you do have someone in your life that just complicates things, get rid of them. Don't be their friend because its more convenient to suck it up then it is to tell them how you feel. You wouldn't continue to date someone if you didn't like them anymore, why would a friendship be different?

I don't talk shit in my blogs. I don't say "So and so is a bitch and I hate her and blah, blah, blah." I do tell the truth. I judge people on their actions and words. Once you say it, it isn't private anymore and you can't take it back. Some people don't like it because I repeat what they say and they don't want everyone else to know how sucky they. Instead of hating me, look in the mirror.

(In previous blogs I have mentioned Ternes, Rosie, Steph, Amber and Tyler. This is not about them. They are the only people in Bismarck who haven't caused drama and continue to be supportive and positive. I love them for that.)

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Q&A

I've been asked some questions about my previous blog. Instead of responding to everyone who's freaking out I decided to post them.

"But you hate Starr's friends."
Yes, yes I do. But I'm hoping that won't be an issue after she graduates because she won't be forced to have class with them everyday, which is why she is maintaining those friendships right now.

"I want you home/I was so excited."
The orginal plan was to move home for the summer, the plan changed and now I'm moving home for at least a year. I think that's a pretty good alternative.

"Why don't you come home in August?"
Our lease is up in April, Starr graduates at the end of April and if I were to move home then we would be splitting our stuff, moving her to campus and moving me to Montana and trying to get it all done before May 1st. Starr has her internship until August and since she isn't going to school we don't have a reason to be in Billings by August. It makes sense to sign a 6 month lease and pack up our things together and move together.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Big News

These past few weeks have been full of ups and downs. There was the 6 month anniversary of the accident. Starr and I's 1 year anniversary. Girlfriend weekend. Everyone having a bitch fit about my blog. Staying up all night talking and crying. Having to accept some hard truths and wanting to knife fight the people re-doing our windows. I also got the news that my work schedule will be changing and I will have weekends off starting at the end of this month. I want to take a week long nap.

I have some big news: Starr and I decided to sign a 6 month lease after our lease is up in April. That means another 6 months in Bismarck... but after the 6 months are over we are both moving to Lewistown. Starr is taking a year off from school. We'll get jobs and an apartment and stay for a year. After that year is over we'll reevalutate and see if Lewistown is the place we need to be.

Monday, January 16, 2012

I Do What I Want (And You Should Too)

If you don't like how you are being represented by what someone else is
saying or writing, that sucks. But you can't make them stop. You just
have to represent yourself in the way that you want to be portrayed.
Either suck it up and deal with it or tell your own story. Everyone is
going to judge, that's what people do. Give them accurate information
because people can tell when you're being fake, most just don't say
anything.
 
Just because you don't like what someone is saying doesn't mean they
don't have the right to say it. It might piss you off and you might not
like it but you don't have to read it and you don't have to associate
with that person. I hate pretty much everything that Glenn Beck and
Sarah Palin say but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed to talk.
I'm no different when average people say things I don't like, I get
pissed. I usually quit talking to them but that doesn't mean they can't
think and say what they want. You might not like what I have to say but
that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be able to write about it. What I
write is definitely persuasive and sometimes cruel but it's the truth. I
am gonna call you on your shit and I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. Feelings
get hurt, get over it.
 
It is human nature to have opinions. The difference between me and
everyone else, is that I am not afraid to express my opinions. It is my
way of dealing with things, and I take advantage of the right to speak
my mind. If anyone is offended or doesn't like what I say, I will refer
you to my first blog where I started of saying "Warning: I am going to
vent, talk about my girlfriend, swear and sometimes be a brat. But
hopefully not all at the same time. If any of these things make you
uncomfortable, go ahead and feel free to stop reading".

Friday, January 13, 2012

I'm a true believer of karma. You get what you deserve, whether it's bad or good

It's been an eventful week, to say the least. Construction on our Lewistown house starts on January 23rd and is expected to be finished by the end of February. My family should be able to move in by March 1st. I'll be home April-May sometime. That's the good news.

Bad news: Erika got sentenced. Her punishment was up here, but I was asked to take it because she's a minor. Let's just say it looks like she'll be able to afford those extensions after all. Its a slap on the wrist. I got an MIP when I was 17 and I didn't ruin anyone's life and I had to pay more fines and do more than she has to. End someone's life? It's okay. As long as you aren't drinking.

Ridiculous. Apparently that's what Kenzie's life is worth in the eyes of the law.

She went from this:

 To this:
To this:

1 year!


Tomorrow, Starr and I will have been together for an entire year. What a year it's been. Instead of writing all that mushy stuff, I'll show you why I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Here is a poem that she wrote me when we were broken up:

"I know this girl Kayla Leigh,
but our relationship has changed from what it used to be.
Everything was great till I left for school,
now when I say I love you, I look like a fool.
Whether she believes me or not, I love her so,
and no matter what happens, that I hope she knows,
she has a place in my heart and she always will.
A lot has happened but she's the love of my life still.
I want her to know she's a special girl,
and she can always send my heart of a whirl.
I have learned a lot from her through the days,
and she will be my first love, forever and always.
Maybe later in life things will work out,
if we're together in person, they will without a doubt.
No matter what happens, do not give up on me baby.
Cuz in my heart, you're forever my lady.
I do love you with my all my heart,
and I hate every day we're apart.
But for now it's the only way it can be.
Never forget, you're my baby, Kayla Leigh."

This is how she asked me to be her girlfriend:

"Love, oh love, is a journey for two,
Step by step, side by side; its only me and you,
Every moment of every day, and in all that I do,
You are every dream I have coming true.

You make my heart skip and make my head spin,
I have so much love for you deep within,
You mean everything to me and I can't wait for our life to begin,
My life will be so much better than it has ever been.

You mean so much to me, more than you will ever know,
You've changed my life and helped me learn to grow,
You stole my heart from our very first hello,
You're amazing to me and I hope my love will always show.

You will be part of me, always and forever,
And I hope I will make your life better,
You are all I need and I won't leave you again...ever,
I will be in your life, I would follow you wherever.

I can't even express how much you mean to me,
With you, love is even more than I thought it would be,
I want us to be a couple for everyone to see
When I am with you, I just feel so free.

You are my everything, my confidant, my very best friend,
With you, I have the rest of my life to spend,
I will eternally love you till the very end,
Having said all that... will you be my girlfriend?"

The accident happened:

"I love you. I know that words can't describe the emotions inside you right now... but I have seen first hand how hard this has been on you. But even more than that I have seen better than anyone how strong you have been. You are the strongest person I know. Life is hard right now but I want you to know that no matter what happens or where life takes us, that I will be here standing beside you and holding you up when you start to fall. You are my world and I will be here till the end. You have been an inspiration to thousands of people, because they all know they wouldn't be able to stay as strong as you have. As far as any haters... don't you even give them a second thought, because they don't know anything. They have not seen how amazingly strong and awesome you have been for your family and sister. You make me want to be the best person I can be and you make me want to live everyday to the fullest. I am so in love with you. You are so perfect. Remember that you have many people who love you that are here for you, especially me... I am so lucky to have you."

7 months:

"You mean a lot ot me. More than you or anyone else will ever know. We have been through some difficult and some great and unique experiences in the last seven or so months... mending our broken relationship, coming out to our parents (first time for you, second time for me), you moving to Bismarck, renting our first apartment, working together, growing closer together, making new memories... letting go of some old ones, letting go of friends, meeting and making new friends, and we most certainly can't leave out Kenzie's accident. All of these experiences have molded, tried and proved how strong we are. Our love is strong and my love for you grows every single day."

11/11/11 happened:

"11. You are everything and more than I could ask for: You are my soulmate, the best thing that has ever happened to me. You make me a better person. You are my reason for living. You have been there for me through a lot, and I could not imagine life without you. We know each other so well, and you are who I want for the rest of forever.

10. You are just so dang cute: You are so pretty and cute and sexy and beautiful. I am lucky to have such a hot girlfriend! Mmm.

9. You have my back: You would kill someone if you knew it would make my life better. If someone hurts me, they automatically have hurt you. You odn't take shit from anyone, and you are always on my side.

8. You are not afraid to show your love: You would get on the rooftop and shout your love for me. You are not afraid to show that you love me, no matter who might care. You always send the cutest little texts, do things that show you care, write about me in your blog, and post all over Facebook. I love that you love to show that you love me, it makes me feel special.

7. You let me be me: You don't try to change me. You love me for who I am, and you don't expect me to be who I am not.

6. You put up with me: You let me get mad, stress about everything, be an asshole, and you still love me even when I don't deserve it.

5. You make me laugh: Some of my best memories are the late night tickle fights, the fits of laughter that last longer than they should, the inside jokes, and how we can turn any situation into a reason to laugh or make fun of someone.

4. You don't care what others think: You love me for who I am, and you don't care what anyone else things. You will hold my hand or kiss me; especially when toher people stare so we can freak them out! :)

3. You are so passionate: You love like no one else ever could. You are not afraid to show it and I that about you.

2. You have loved me for the past 4 years even when I was an asshole: you never left my side even when I turned my back on you. You kept me in your heart and waited for me to come back.

1. We fit so perfectly: you are everything that I am not; you are the (anything) to my (anything). Insert anything, and that would describe us perfectly. "

Just last week:

"Going back to 2008 and seeing everything that has happened from then till now, makes me realize how dumb I was for letting you go way back when, how lucky I was that you were wtill waiting around, and how smart I was for coming back to you. You truly are the best, most beautiful (inside and outside), special amazing, take-my-breath-away person I have ever met. I love you. McSexy... you are my woman!"

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

1-11-12







6 months.
184 days.

That's what Kenzie missed. That's how long it been since anyone has heard her laugh or voice. I miss that the most.

I get angry at the world for not feeling the impact of what they lost. There will never be anyone like her. I get angry at people who can be happy. I'm always sad. Even when I'm happy, I'm just less sad.

There is a constant hurt inside of me. If I let myself think about all of our memories it physically hurts.

Late at night when it's just me awake, I get the urge to call or text her. Just like always. Then I realize she won't answer and I feel so alone. All I want I is her.

It hasn't gotten any easier. The hurt hasn't lessened. I just learned that everyday is going to hurt. Some days hurt more than others. Today is one of those days.



Cousin Katie Guest Blogs

The choices you make today will impact your life whether you know that or not. Its crazy how something small can turn into something bigger in your life later on.

A lot of us are hurting right now and that hurt will never go away. Its crazy to think that even though we didn't make any of those choices that got us here it has impacted our lives in ways we will probably never ever fully understand.

A girl choose to go way to fast on a dirt road. Both girls choose to get in the car and not wear a seat belt.

Lives are ruined.

Now it matters how you deal with this.

I have been struggling for the past 6 months to forgive the driver. It was a struggle. I am still not impressed with a lot of choices she has made since then. But I have to let it go. Not for her sake but mine. The choices she is making right now will impact the rest of her life. I can only imagine how it haunts her when she least expects it.

sarah and I in grade school
Sometimes I try to imagine sitting in the car with these girls. Driving on the dirt road with the music cranked up so loud you can't hear your own thoughts. Then all of sudden you feel the car start to lose control and next thing you know everything goes black..for Kenzie at least. I try to gather in my brain of how I would of reacted after the shock of the car not moving and realizing my car and life has just been turned upside down. Stuff spread all over and your best friend is no where to be seen or no where to be heard. You shoot her name and no response you find her and she isn't responding to you and she is cut up and bleeding and her face is torn. Now imagine you are 16.

As an adult it makes me sick. I imagine me driving and my friend Sarah being in the passengar. The rest of my life would of changed. I honestly don't think I could get in a car again after that..I think is the key word here.

Sarah and me at Prom our freshman year

I can not be mad at the driver for what happened. I feel sorry for her and my heart also hurts for her.

Since the accident I have not gone out of my way to reach  out to her. I do not know her at all. I have met her once. My first impression..not impressed

But needless to say I have to forgive her. As wrong as it may sound that I have held anything against her I did. It has taken me 6 months to actually fully forgive her.

Her punishment from the law may seem ridicioulous. But in my heart I think her punishment to herself must be the worst. And if it is not then I do feel sorry for her. Because someday when she matures and has a child and that child is driving on a dirt road I can only imagine the fears and nightmares she will have.


I can not imagine losing my best friend. If something would of happened to Sarah when we were in school my life would be completely different now.


Junior Year Prom

Sarah has been a factor in a lot of the big choices I have made along the way. I can not imagine not having her voice in my life.

I am glad that she has been there to visit Kenzie. I want to just let you know that I am not calling her a terrible person at all. As I wrote earlier I do not know her and I DO NOT know what is going on in HER brain

What I have learned about this is that it is way eaiser to be mad the hardest thing is letting things go and not being mad. Hate is really a strong word..but the emotion it carries is heavy on a heart and soul. Letting go of that emotion is more powerful then you will know.

-Cousin Katie
.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Meaningful Notes

Tonight I went through my messages on Facebook, emails and comments on my blog. I do read all of them, most of them I read and re-read, again and again. I haven't responded to some of them, usually because when I'm done reading them I'm bawling. Like a baby. Cause I'm ridiculous like that. 

So thank you to every one who has taken or continually take time out of their day to write to me. Even if I don't respond, I do appreciate it and I can't tell you how much those messages mean to me. A perfect example is yesterday. I wrote an angry blog and I was ready for the world to be pissed at me and tell me I was wrong. Instead I got a flood of messages from people who told me that they are thankful for what I write I've talked to the people that wrote to me and some of them said I could share what they wrote:

Ternes "I love you, Kayla. I wish I knew more about how you're feeling. I wish I could meet Kenzie. I wish I had even the slightest clue. I wish I knew what to say to make anything just a little better. You're an amazing person for keeping yourself together as well as you have. Hugs and kisses. Can't wait to see you again."


Starr "I do love you. More than you know, more than you will ever know, more than you see, more than you care. No matter what I am here. I don't care what anyone else says or thinks about it, I will fight till the end for you. No matter what you think, no matter what you say, no matter what you do you are not going to get rid of me. I am here to stay. I love you more than anything in the whole world. When you think you have no where else to turn i will be here, when you feel like you have no one to turn to I will be here, no matter what you think I will be standing right along side you. You are so special, and a better person than anyone I know. You are truly amazing even if you can't see it."

Kelsey "Kayla Zarn, I always read your blog. It helps me understand Kenzies situation. The last blog you did was amazing. simply heart warming and everything. I love seeing how much Kenzie and your family have healed and are in continues healing. Its pathetic that anyone think they have the right to tell you and your family they are making the wrong choice. how is it any of their business if it was there life they would understand. You are seriously my idol Kayla. You are one of the most strong women i know. 
happy holidays."

Kendra "Kayla
So, i know that we hardly know each other, and you've probably gotten a whole bunch of messages like this from other people, but i just wanted to let you know that i think you're freaking amazing.
This morning, i read every single one of your blog posts because i had missed a couple when you posted them.
I know there's no way i could possibly understand what you're going through, and honestly, i hope i never do, but my heart hurts every time i see a picture of you and your sister together. You're both so beautiful and i can tell that you've got a connection with her that could never be replicated.
I don't think i ever said a single word to Kenzie, except maybe a hello or two, but we're friends on FB, and when i was still at Fergus i'd always smile when i saw her in the hallway laughing with her friends.
She had a gorgeous smile and i was totally jealous of her hair.
In the months before i graduated, whenever i posted a status update, i'd always think "If Kenzie likes this, i know it's a good one." I always planned on telling her that and thanking her for actually reading what i wrote before i left the school.
For some reason, though, i kept putting it off. I wish i hadn't.
Now, i think the same thing whenever you "like" something and i'm not gonna put off the thank you.
So thank you.
and for so much more than just "liking" my posts.
Thank you for writing your blog and being honest and not holding back.
Thank you for being a real person.
Thank you for loving.
Loving your sister and Starr and your parents and everyone who has even helped just a little bit.
Even on the days when you posted something about being angry, you always put something in about one of the people you love, how they have helped you or just held you when that was all you needed.
This Christmas, i hope a lot more people are loving like you do. The world needs more people who know how to love.
So yeah. Sorry, it got kind of long, but i just wanted you to know that even though we've never been close, i still think about you and Kenzie almost every day. You're in my prayers and in my heart.
Merry Christmas, Kayla. I hope today is a good day."

Mac Miller: 
'well you're one strong motherfucker. you're an inspiration to me. i don't want to seem like one of those fake assholes either. i always genuinely mean what i say.'

Amy Fox:
"Hey Kayla,
I just really need to tell you this. Not just today, but everyday, you are an inspiration to me. First, you and your family are what families should be. Close, supportive, and never giving up. Second, you and Starr being together again, and being so in love proves that true love, no matter what bumpy road it takes to get there, really exists. Your love for your family and Starr is evident and heartwarming. And I commend you for how you have dealt with Kenzie's new life...and yours. I cannot even imagine the struggles, pain and heartache you face daily, but you try to maintain a positive and hopeful outlook. Miracles happen! And I love that you continue to believe. I'm also inspired by your ability not to "blame" anyone and keep an open heart. 

Finally, I googled "life, love, and..." and your blog was a top hit for search suggestions. Keep it up. It is definitely valuable.

I think about you and your family and Starr often, even though we have never really known each other well. I pray and will continue to pray everyday for a miracle. 

So, on this thanksgiving, I am thankful for knowing people like you."



Even if I didn't share one of your posts, I do appreciate them. If you reached out to me through Facebook, text, email or here, I thank you. I don't have very many friends or people to talk to here in Bismarck so the online community has kept me sane. 

Maaaaaaaaaam

My mom is the coolest mom in the whole world. She's my best friend and she is always on my side, even if my side sucks. We are very similar: loud, inappropriate, crazy, swear like sailors, short, we think we're hilarious, we're often emotional wrecks, we cry all the time, we talk about feelings, we love with our whole hearts and we aren't afraid to be who we are. She is one amazing lady who taught me a lot about life and a lot about myself.

1. It's okay to be yourself. It's okay to have strong opinions and it's okay if not everyone likes you. You don't need to change for anyone. If someone doesn't like you just for being you then they don't matter.

2. You don't need to hide your emotions. No one can tell you how to feel or when to feel it. You don't have to pretend to be okay, if you're having a sucky day then say you're having a sucky day. If you're over hydrated, you're over hydrated and that means you're gonna cry. Just cry, don't even think twice.

3. You do what you have to do to keep your family together. Our counselor says we are quite the co-dependent bunch.

4. The most valuable lesson she taught me was that I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy or fufilled. I don't know how she did it, since her and my dad have always been together, but she raised Kenzie and I to be independent. We grew up knowing that we did not HAVE to be with anyone, if we were in a relationship, great. If we weren't, great. It doesn't matter. Not enough parents taught their children this lesson.

My dad is pretty great too, but my mom's birthday tomorrow, so this blog is for her. :) Love you, Maaaaaaaam.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

What The Fuck

If you aren't my Facebook friend then you don't already know... but Erika gets to keep her license. I'm pissed. My current Facebook status is "You end my sister's life and you get to keep your license. Yeah, that sounds fair." My parents asked me to take it down, but I'm a tell like it is kind of girl. That's the way I am. If you don't like it, don't read it. I have 3 points to make.

1.  Yes, I do think that the life Kenzie had before is over. But I do not think that means we should have killed her. I have already heard "You're just like the people on the Gazette saying that her life is over." No I'm not. I've said it before and I'll say it again. THE KENZIE WE HAD IS GONE. We do have a round 2, and it won't ever be the same but that doesn't mean it won't still be good. It is a different life and it's a lot harder, but we still have her and she still has us. Just because we can't have what we did before doesn't mean we can't have anything.

2.  I wrote a blog way back at the beginning about not being mad at Erika. Here it is if you haven't read it.  I'm still not mad about the accident but I am pissed that she goes on with her life and she gets to keep her license. She might get some sort of  repercussions, but she still gets to drive. We already know what happens when she drives. I want her to show remorse and actually do something to show she's sorry. I wouldn't be pissed if she showed regret, apologized or showed some emotion. I might be being too hard on her... but when we were in the hospital she was worried about how much the fines were going to be, "Because I want to get hair extensions." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! You know, after they shaved Kenzie's REAL hair for a third time she probably would have liked extensions, too. But we don't know that because guess what? She can't talk. What a fucked up world we live in.

3. Yes, I am writing about this. My blog is my outlet and I haven't ever censored myself before so I'm not going to start now. People might get pissed, but I don't care. 

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Letters

Dear 16 Year Old Me,

You're gonna go through a lot. You'll get your heart broken and it will hurt for a while but you'll be fine. Keep your heart open and don't stop loving. Tell Kenzie everything, she'll have most of those answers you're looking for. Don't take any time with her for granted. Be bad, get it out of your system. Be wild, crazy and free but safe. Use your head. If it sounds like a bad idea, it's a bad idea. Don't do it. Some people aren't meant to be in your life, no matter how bad you want them there. Do your homework, stupid. Boys are dumb, don't even think about them because it won't be worth it. Keep fighting for what you think is right but pick your battles. Some battles can be left unfought. You don't always have to be right. Whatever you choose to do, go big or go home. There are tough times ahead so live it up while you can, love with everything you have and be yourself.

Dear Future Me,

I hope you find some peace. I hope you find direction. I hope you appreciate the people around you. I like to think that you're helping people. You better not be a lame adult. I'll be pissed. I hope you see your family often and that you never give up hope. I want you to be with Starr. She's your person. I know it's hard to remember when you're both pissed, but suck it up and apologize because nothing is worth losing her. Continute to be in a pain you parent's ass, gotta keep them on their toes. Be a better person. Don't get too wrapped up in your stuff to ask your friends what's up with them

It's Gonna Be a Bumpy Ride

These next 12 months are going to be a whirlwind. Starr got a new position at work, so she'll get off at 11 instead of 9. She has spring break at the end of Febuary - beginning of March so that' s when we will be moving most of our stuff to a storage unit in Billings. We'll live with the basic neccessities until I move to Lewistown in April and Starr moves into an on-campus apartment for the summer. This summer I'll watch the Martin kids and Starr will do her internship and maintain her job at Sykes. In August we will move to Billings; Starr will look for a job in her field (social work) and I'll find and a job and start school. In the meantime, I'm trying to make the best of it here. Starr and I just started an online book club. If you'd like to check it out here's the link: http://letsdiscussthatbook.forumotion.com/

We are waiting to hear back from Medicaid so they can start remodeling the Lewistown. The quicker they are home the better. I am ready to be home, too. It's nice to be around people that know you and 'get' you. My whole family will be living under the same roof for 4 months, the last time that happened was July 22, 2010. A little healing heart period.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year's Resolution

1. Be me. No matter what I do or decisions I make I want those choices to be what's best for me.

2. Don't be around sucky people.

3. Be a better friend. I have some awesome people in my life and sometimes I'm not 'checked in' and I need to be.

4. Get some direction in my life. It feels like I don't know where to go. I hope Lewistown grounds me and then I can make some decisions.

5. I've just started gettin back in the habit of writing regularly. December was the first month since August that I've done 14 blogs in one month. My personal goal for my blog is to hit 200,000 views by this time next year. (I'm at 56,159 right now.)

I'm not really crazy, I know that just because it's a new year doesn't mean a new me, just a better me. Cause 2012 has to be better than 2011, right?