Writer's Block

I have just not been myself lately. For the past three weeks I've working about 50-55 hours per week, so I've slept and read a lot. I haven't talked many people, including my parents.

I love to write. I feel connected to myself when I write. I feel like I have to write to live. And if I haven't been writing then I've just been existing.

If you have any ideas at all, let me know!

Valentine's Day

Matching tattoos. Holy shit, right?

I know that a lot of people are probably freaking out right now. But when something big happens in my life, I get a tattoo. My body is my story. I got my horseshoes in memory of my Grandma Mona. (Mom, Aunt Sandra and I all have matching ones. I got my lady bug and nickname done for my 16th birthday. I got my collar bone done when I moved out of Lewistown. I got my sister tattoo for my Kenzie. In October I got a tattoo in rememberance of the accident. Today I got one representing my love and relationship. It's the infinity symbol, meaning we are forever connected.

YES!

WE GOT THE HOUSE!

My parents put on offer on a house right across the street from the pasture where we keep our horses. The offer was accepted and it closes in 30 days! My parents just have to wait for Medicaid to make it Kenzie accessible and then they get to start moving!

The house has an apartment in the basement and so when November rolls around, Starr and I will be moving in with them! My heart is soaring!

My Sister: The Rockstar

Kenzie has been moving her head and body more lately, her grip is getting stronger and she's actually made so much progress that she is getting her speech therapist back. When my parents plug her trach, she makes quite a bit of noise. The doctor has talked about getting a 'talking trach' put on her. It may not seem like a lot of progress to people on the outside, but her 'tricks' have renewed hope and showed us a little bit of light at the end of that tunnel. Thank you for the prayers, they seem to be working.

Numb

I've gotten into the habit of a routine. I've been withdrawn and reclusive. I feel numb, which would seem a lot better than hurting but I'd rather feel something. I've started reading a lot more and I've stayed mostly offline. I didn't talk to my parents or any friends for about a week. I'm mostly writing today just because I need to stay in the habit of writing. I know its good for me, even if I'm not feeling it.

New things in my life:
-Kenzie's been doing some pretty cool tricks.
-I'm adding another tattoo to my arm this month, it's slowly becoming a sleeve.
-My Ambien makes me have some pretty crazy hallucinations.
-My life is boring as hell. I just eat and watch Dr. Phil, I need some change.
-I'm switching to weekends off in 10 days.
-I'm reading the Hunger Games series, I'm really not as impressed with them as most people seem to be.
-I've been a sucky friend.
-I wish everyone had a blog so I could see inside their heads.

Here are some pictures of my daily life! They include a love note from Girlfriend, a pie she made, our cute faces and Kenzie:

Honesty: The Best Of All The Lost Hearts

Not enough people are honest anymore.

It's just easier to say something that might not be the whole truth then to be truthful and hurt someone's feelings. It's easy to put up with someone you don't like. It's easy to talk about something trivial like the weather or what movie you saw this weekend. It's easy to ignore what's going unsaid. It's easy to internalize pain and go on with your daily life. It's easy to go to sleep and forget about the hurt. It's easy to cry at night and pray no one can hear you.

But the hard thing to do, is always the right thing to do. It takes courage to do the right thing.

It's hard to tell the truth, no matter what happens or who gets hurt. It's hard to end a friendship, even when you've quit liking that person. It's hard to talk about what's going on inside your head and heart. It's hard to talk about what everyone is thinking, but what no one is saying. It's hard to reach out and ask for help. It's hard ask someone to stay up and talk about the pain you're feeling.

I'm an honest girl, sometimes to a fault. I tell my parents everything, probably too much. When we talk there isn't anything I omit. Anyone can ask me anything, I'll tell them the answer with no filter. I went through my sneaky years in high school where I got tangled in lies a few times, but then I realized that it's just easier to tell the truth. I don't have to worry about keeping my story straight, I don't feel guilty, I don't dwell on anything. I talk about it. Everything is out there in the open. I live publicly for a few reasons:

1. It's a challenge to not be bitter. When you reach out to people, they reach back. They bring light and love with them and it renews hope when the world seems too dark.

2. It keeps me accountable. I have nothing to hide and it's a relief. I don't post my every thought or everything that happens in my life, but I do post everything that pertains to just me. I don't always include issues that happen in my family life, but that's not for my protection, that's for my family's.

Because I put myself out there, I open myself up to critiscm and judgement. I haven't grown a thicker skin, although some would say I should. I don't want things not to bother me. I don't want to have an 'I don't care' attitude. I want to feel everything. I want to keep my heart open.

To me honesty is one of the most important qualities to have. I always stay true to myself. I am by no means perfect, but I open my heart and my mind to anyone willing to listen. I know some people who are not honest, and that is hard for me. I always say "go big or go home". I apply that to most things in life, including honesty; be honest or shut the hell up.

My Lifeline

Starr has kept me going these past few months and especially the last couple weeks. She's saved me from everything, including myself. She's been there the nights I've sat up crying, wanting to die. She's been there for all the laughs, most of which she started. She always takes my side. She loves me, not matter what I do. She forgives all my flaws and she embraces my strengths. I love you babe. Thank you.