Mandatory New Years Blog

Facebook timeline'd my wall so I decided to 'Timeline' my year.

January 14 - Started dating Starr
Febuary 26 - Kidney stone and an ovarian cyst ruptured
April 11 - Last day of work at Good Earth
April 13 - The last day I saw Kenzie before the accident
April 14 - Moved to Bismarck and signed the lease for our apartment
May 23 - Got a job at Sykes
July 4 - Walked with DakotaOutright in the parade
June 27 - Kidney infection
July 10 - Warped Tour
July 11 - The world stopped moving
August 1 - We got the results from the MRI and my heart was broken
August 15 - Kenzie got moved to Harbor View, we spent 10 days in Seattle
August 27 - Stayed in Billings for Momma Sarah's wedding
October 8 - The Lewistown community showed my family just how big their hearts really are
October 19 - Girlfriend's birthday and the day I got my new Kenzie tattoo
November 24 - Mom, Dad, Kiz and I dealt with our first holiday since the accident
December 25 - Who knew we could survive Christmas?

These are just the bigger things, it would take me hours and hours to do everything. Here is an excerpt from our Christmas letter, we wrote the lessons that we've learned:

Show your love often - Family is irreplaceable - On your days off, don't leave the house - Live with no regrets - Pick your battles - Wear your seat belt - Phone calls save lives - Sleep is a person's best friend - If you don't like someone, then quit them - Some people are more work than anything else - Being a grown up sucks - Listen to your parents, they really do know what they are talking about (sometimes) J - Wear sunscreen, reapply often - When you spend all day outside, you better drink water so your friends don't pass out from a heat stroke - Never take a working toilet for granted -Sometimes acting silly is the only way to get through the day - iPhones = lifelines - Deviled Eggs are cut lengthwise, not the short fat way - Facebooking in the shower is a lot easier than you would think - Laughter helps heal the heart - Love is work- If a couch doesn’t fit through the door, just bring it in through the balcony - The offer of a foot rub will probably get you your way - Don’t leave your car doors unlocked, except in Lewistown (things get stolen) - Dehydration does not stop tear production - A bag of pepperoni’s and a glass of milk is the best meal ever - Fish can be brats - If your neighbors are keeping you up late, just call the cops - Alone time is under-rated - Music can help soothe the soul - When your whole world is chaos but your relationship is perfect, it makes life that much more livable - Just watch Dr. Phil or Jerry Springer, and you will realize just how normal you really are - Being strong means getting help - Crying can help relieve all that built up junk inside you - All people can teach you a lesson, even the ones you don’t like, they teach you to be better - Growing up means finding yourself and learning who you really are - Soul searching can take a lot of time

I did a lot of growing this past year and I'm more aware of what/who is important to me. I got close to people I never would have thought would be good friends and I did quit some people not because they are bad people, but they are bad for me. The biggest lesson I've learned this year is that life is too short to be around people who suck. Don't be around people just cause. Be around people that are good for you and make you feel more yourself.

How Do You Deal With Your Crazy?

Starr and I had an awesome, deep, thought provoking conversation tonight on the drive home from work. We talked about how differently we each handle situations. Example:

Kayla: I'm my own worst enemy.
Starr: I'm my own best friend.

Kayla: When I'm having a breakdown, I need a babysitter.
Starr: When I'm having a breakdown, leave me the hell alone.

Kayla: I like to talk about my issues. Be it on Facebook, here or in person.
Starr: I keep my feelings bottled up inside.

Kayla: I trust everyone, instantly. Once that trust is broken, you won't get it back.
Starr: People have to earn my trust. Once you have it, it's hard to get back.

Kayla: Introvert who is very social.
Starr: Extrovert who is very isolated.

Now onto explain our madness...

Kayla: If left to my own devices, I will self destruct. I don't know why, it just happens. I go to extremes. I was left alone in Lewistown and I got drunk 4 out of 6 nights. I quit eating and I neglected my relationship. When it got the worst and I let my thoughts get the best of me I was contemplating suicide and I called Brook to come babysit me.

Communication is the most helpful coping skill for me. I rely on writing or talking to get my thoughts straight. I can usually work out whatever issue I'm having but I can not find a solution without letting it all out so I can see or hear it. My brain is a crazy, busy place to be. I love it when people write me talking about what a strong person I am because even if I can't see it... it feels great that other people perceive me that way.

I put my story, feelings and thoughts out there for everyone to see. I don't hold much back. I let my heart rest in their hands. I trust them to be respectful and compassionate with it. Sometimes it gets broken, but then its just a lesson learned. I remove them from my life and its over. It might take me a while, but I get over it.

Introvert who is very social. Weird sentence, right? I hate being around people that I am not 100% comfortable with. I would rather just lock myself in my apartment. If I'm home, its a different story. I would be around the people I love 24/7 if I could. There is no better feeling in the world to me than being content and happy with the people who love you and you love in return.

Starr: Kayla and I are complete opposites when it comes to coping. I mostly rely on myself, I stuff my feelings, and I expect to bring myself out of whatever slump I happen to be in. I have been through a lot in my 22 years of life, and one thing that I learned is that all I have is me. I have survived through a lot knowing that the world does keep spinning, and that no matter what happens tomorrow is probably going to come. The sun rises and the sun sets; time keeps ticking no matter how much we wish it would stop. 

When something goes wrong, my first reaction is to look inward. I want to be left alone and I want to think things through myself before I talk to anyone else. I am a realist, I am a very logical person, and things need to make sense to me. I have to find the answer to the question; I think that everything happens for a reason and I have to know the why behind things. This often causes a lot of problems, because as everyone knows, there are not always answers to everything that happens. 

Having this mind set leads me to worry a lot. I have anxiety and I over think everything. This is my main coping mechanism. Every second of every day my mind is full of thoughts, but I keep most of them to myself, and I don’t know what I would do without my thoughts. 

I am my own best friend because I love to be alone. I am the only person that I know that has always been there, hasn’t let me down, and has not hurt me, besides my parents. I learned at a very young age that if I wanted something to happen, I had to work toward it myself, and I couldn’t expect anything out of other people. I am very confident in myself, and I only have expectations for me. I learned to not expect things from other people because them you can’t get hurt. 

I don’t trust very easily, but if someone earns my trust, and I have invested myself in a friendship/relationship, it is really hard for me to let that go. I am always joking around and not very many people know the “real” me, and I use my sense of humor as a coping skill. I have pretty high walls, but once someone get past those walls, I have a hard time shutting them out again. I am an extrovert that is isolated because, I am a very outgoing person, and I will talk to anyone. I love spending time with other people, but there are only a select few that I open up to and are 100% myself around. 

Overall, I cope by relying on myself and no one else,  thinking logical about the situation, and knowing that after I have self analyzed everything the people I need to talk to are right there waiting. I also always remember that no matter what happens the world keeps spinning.

Ignorant Assholes

The Billings Gazette did a story on my cousin Katie and the fundraisers she has planned. Here's the link.

A few people chose to be huge assholes and critize my family for letting Kenzie live. Our bad right? Wrong. Fuck them. I wanted to get mean and nasty and fuck their shit up but... in order to have my comments approved I was civil. My comment hasn't been approved yet, but I decided to post it here:

Ignorant comments by ignorant people are causing my family unnecessary pain. Do you think we made the decision lightly? By the way, I'm Kayla, Kenzie's big sister. Did you know that when I say her name she smiles at me? Or when she hears my voice, she turns her head at looks at me? Did you consider that maybe you don't know everything? This is America and you can say what you want but there is a time and there is a place. This is about my cousin, Katie, doing an awesome thing and having a huge heart. She has gone above and beyond since 7/11/11; the day my world stopped spinning. Kenzie might not ever have an independent life, but guess what? You don't need an independent life to be happy and feel love. There are handicapped people everyday that can love and laugh and feel happiness. People who have lost someone would kill for the chance to save them. Guess what? We got that second chance. She might not be able to talk but she can smile and she can feel love. I know because I see her and spend time with her. Just this morning I got a message from one of the nurses that works with Kenzie and she told me that she is so impressed with the progress my little sister has made. Just because she doesn't have the same life as she did before doesn't mean she doesn't deserve any life at all. Think what you want, but do not ostracize my family for the decisions that we have made in order to be together. Think before you say things, while you get to walk away from your computer and go on with your life, this is a decision we will have to live with every day for the rest of our lives. But at least we don't have to live with the 'what if' of it all.

Beat That's Super Bumpin'

I found Kenzie's iPod when I was in our Lewistown house. It's a 2nd generation silver iPod nano. It has 2 playlists on it- bumpin songs and sister songs. We drove everywhere, we would go down a dirt road just to see where it ended. We would get lost on purpose. We drove too fast with our music too loud and singing at the top of our lungs. Our favorites were Lil' Wayne, Kenny Chesney, Tim McGraw, Garth Brooks, Jason Aldean, Cali Swag District and Luke Bryan. I bet we could we could out rap any other white girls in Montana, the more offensive the lyrics, the better. (We can rap "You Need That" by Cali Swag District from memory. I suggest you look it up. You will be offended.)

Music is one of those things that heals and hurts. Every song has a memory and it takes you back. Sometimes that is a good thing, but usually it's at an inconvient time or place. It's why I cry when I drive and why I have learned to tune out background noise.

There are songs I have to avoid and songs that I save for when I'm alone like:

"You're Gonna Miss This" Trace Adkins
"Who'd You Be Today" Kenny Chesney
"What Hurts The Most" Rascal Flatts

The sister playlist includes:

"All For You" Sister Hazel
"She Loved Me" Jason Aldean
"You Need That" Cali Swag District
"Jane Fonda" Mickey Avalon
"Get Crazy" LMFAO
"Oh Bo" Bo Burnham
"My Sister, My Friend" Reba
"Little Miss" Sugarland
"Fuckin Perfect" Pink
"John Wall" Troop 41
"One More Day" Diamond Rio
"Drop The World" Lil Wayne and Eminem
"Santa Clause" Lil Wayne
"Teach Me How To Jerk" Audio Push
"Jerk Talk" Cali Swag District
"Whisper In Ya Ear" Cali Swag District
"My Best Friend" Tim McGraw
"She's Country" Jason Aldean

P.S. I love Timeline on Facebook. I changed Kenzie's wall to it and it's easier to creep. (You're welcome and I'm sorry, Katie) I found this wall post from Kenzie on January 31st, 2011:

"please come back and sing you need that with me. in your car, when we alternateparts that talk about our lives :) and also without any help from the song cause we are just that good! you need that, you need that, you need, you need that."

Christmas Eve

Last Christmas Eve was crazy, everyone was crabby. So Kenzie and I ran away from the world. We drove up to the turnaround and watched the sunset and stayed til way past dark, just listening to music and laughing. Here are all the pictures we took that day:

When Does it Stop

Everyone has a best friend, one of those lifelong-it-doesn't-matter-what-you-do-I'll-always-love-you-people. It's the person you thought about when you read that. My person, was obviously Kenzie. It's just a tough a pill to swallow when you realize that you've already found and lost that person. The one person who knows and loves you the most in life. Every time I go to Great Falls I restart my grieving process. I am expecting to see Kenzie and I see what's left of her... It's one of those nights where I'm tired of being alive.

Safe Haven

Being in Lewistown is bittersweet. It was my home for 19 years but now when I visit I see all the places Kenzie and I would go and those memories leave me feeling broken and empty. We covered so much ground that no matter where I go... it's gonna hurt.

I've stayed at the Lewistown house for a few nights and it feels haunted. I replay all the memories that were here. I look at the kitchen and I see her looking in the fridge and being pissed that we didn't have anything she wanted. I look at the living room and I see her sitting on the arm of the couch, giggling and singing along to whatever is playing on iTunes.

It's weird sitting here and it being so quiet. If this was a year ago Dad would be in his chair watching TV while mom is talking to Sandra on the phone in the bedroom and Kenzie and I would be begging to drive the loop. (They always told us yes as long as we fed the horses.) There would be dogs and cats everywhere, doors slamming, washer and dryer running. But today it's just me.

When I come home I spend a lot of time at the Zibells'. I call it my safe haven. They don't ask me stupid questions about Kenzie. They let me cry, laugh or anything in between. I don't have to pretend or be polite. Real people are hard to find and every one of them is amazing. That family saves me from myself when I'm here.