Off Like a Prom Dress

There were 3 important proms last night! Kenzie went to the Class C prom, Katie held the adult prom in Roundup and Madison had prom in South Dakota! Time for pictures:

Kenzie and Amy

Kenzie and Morgan 

 Kenzie and Brittany

Adult Prom

 The one who made it all happen: Katie

Madison's Prom

Kenzie's birthday present!

Don't Try To Tell Me I'll Stop Hurting

This is probably a mess cause I'm crying and there are tears and boogers everywhere.

Kenzie is home, in Lewistown. And I'm not. That's really tough for me. I keep replaying all the memories and I miss her so much. I want to her laugh or some offensive joke or even her crying on the phone telling me if I drive fast I can make if before morning. I miss my sister. I miss my person to tell everything big or small, happy, sad or dumb.

I've gotten use to this life of grief but I still miss my old life. I miss getting texts with way too many vowels. I miss getting called a sensitive asshole for being so emotional. I want all that happiness that used to wrap me up.

Things are so different now. Today they drove into town and went to the new house. That little fact is hard to wrap my head around. 'Home' is a new place. Not the place I've lived, laughed, cried, fought in and ran away from. It's just a building but it's the place I became me. It was my jungle gym, safe place, and prison. It was the place where I spent my whole life.

"You don't know her like I do. You'll never understand and you don't know what we've been through. That girl's my best friend. There's no way you're gonna help me. She's the only one who can."

I deal with the pain because I am so lucky that I had that much to lose.

Christmas Eve

Last Christmas Eve was crazy, everyone was crabby. So Kenzie and I ran away from the world. We drove up to the turnaround and watched the sunset and stayed til way past dark, just listening to music and laughing. Here are all the pictures we took that day:

Dream

I dreamt about Kenzie last night. Mom, Kenzie and I were in Cut Bank and we were walking down to the park. Kenzie looked fine, beautiful even. She had her long brown hair and her bangs were braided to the side. She was wearing shorts and ballet flats. We were all hanging out and laughing and we had to keep stopping so Mom could stop and talk to everyone.

Then things got a little weird, no one was talking to Kenzie except Mom and I. No one could see her. She was so heartbroken. She just kept saying "I'm real, I'm real!" We could see her and talk laugh with her and touch her but no one else could. I haven't woken up crying this hard in a long time.

123 days

It's been 4 months since the accident. That's 123 days so here are the top 123 things I remember about Kenzie.

freckles - fords - she always had my back - the ability to make anyone smile - under armour - dirt roads - mountains - cinch jeans - her ability to memorize a song after hearing it once - FFA - cowboy boots - blue mt dew - the loop - sour patch kids - telling everyone they can suck her dick - her laugh - chewing her gum like a cow - short shorts - muck boots - talking shit - her hands were either so cold they were purple or they were sweaty - pistol - jalapeno corn dogs - always hungry - lil wayne - j.b. mauney - facebook fights - inapproprite as hell - meth mondays - jane fonda - her shaking her shit, regardless of the music - being loud - jason aldean - crumping contests in the town pump parking lot - kate, cole & quin - spike - huge belt buckles - camoflauge - rocking out to bad romance - sharing bus seats even we were the only 2 on the bus - white tank tops - she was the only person who loved huckleberry as much as i do - i need a guarantee - just dance competitions with madison - mushy facebook posts - that damn spacer coming out of her mouth every time she ate dots - pictures - her punches, they hurt - you need that - always being mean to the cats - her perm - the way she loved her friends - her ugly feet - rockstar rims - biting her bottom lip as she hip checks you - a mane of brown hair - constantly texting - her feet smelled like asshole - her awful handwriting - fishin' in the dark - bobcats - narnia - daisy - PBR - manswers - chex mix - ginger - sunny ledford - gay kid school - winky faces freaked her out - cummins - the pasture - her hatred of carrie underwood - multiple chinned smiley faces :)))))) - making fun of me for crying - 8 seconds - getting lost on purpose - east fork - bonfires - holding hands - 1st & main - telling dad that 'we were on our way to bed' and then we would sit in the living room talking for another 2 hours - driving around in the mini van - getting in a fight and leaving her on the side of the road - brown eyes - she wasn't allowed to burp in my car - the bridge to terabithia - socks up to her knees - she hated reading - loved shrimp -  mac & cheese - the luv - flannel - our talks with mr. long - the most beautiful girl i've ever met - stubborn as hell - ruining all of mom's candles - smacking her lips when she sleeps - never back down - long, long legs - saints - her huge smile -  April 23rd - beer pong - UNC - best friend - texts from last night - sticking her head under the faucet to drink water - carhartt jeans - the way she could turn your day around - she watched freaky friday every night before bed for months - her being a puss, law and order would give her nightmares - her wisdom - her love of life - the way she was passionate about the things she loved - she's probably the hairiest girl ever - she didn't wear makeup until she was 15 - she hated every song i ever showed her, at least until she listened to it a few times - teaching her to drive my car - staying up late playing barbies - our easter mudslide - bike rides with sam - zurich - breaking her arm, and then breaking her cast - late nights in hotel rooms, where there was no sleep and lots of laughs.

I could go on and on. Everyone says "She's in your heart." But my heart doesn't talk back to me, my heart doesn't answer my phone calls, my heart doesn't have the words to make my day better. I want my sister back. 123 days is 123 days too long. The world is not the same without her. If anyone wants to dedicate their 11.11.11 wish to her, I think we'd be one step closer to that miracle we so desperately need.

Lewistown

Kenzie and I were both born and raised in Lewistown, Mt. We lived in the same house for 15 years. We did so many things and made so many memories there.

This past weekend was the first time that I have been in Lewistown without Starr and with my own car. Every time I drove anywhere I looked to my right and expected to see Kenzie in my passengers seat. Every time I looked, she wasn't there. Every time she wasn't there, it broke my heart.

When I lived in Lewistown, Kenzie and I were inseparable. We did everything together. We would go to school, go to lunch, go to the pasture, drive around and then go home. We would stay up late talking and laughing and every time Dad yelled at us to get in bed we say that we were on our way. We built Kenzie's downstairs bedroom during my senior year. We put a sliding door between our rooms and we deemed her bedroom 'Narnia'. We would leave the door open unless Kenz was being a crab ass or we were each watching something different.

No matter where I go in town or out of town... there is a memory. All the nights we would drive the loop, her and Madison dancing in the Town Pump parking lot, teaching her and Gabby to drive manual at the subdivision, puddle jumping at the cemetary with Sara and Sarah. Plus a million more, I can still see Kenzie sitting to my right, filling up the seat with her long legs and a mane of brown hair, her window down, her right hand outside the car, nodding her head and singing at the top of her lungs whether she knew the words or not.

I can not handle Lewistown without Kenzie in it.

The Way

Right now, I'm sick and tired of everything. I want to vent and scream and cry and then talk it out.

I want to do all of that with my best friend. But she can't talk back to me.

She always has the words to make it right and I don't even have to say anything for her to know what's wrong. I miss her voice and her smell and the way she makes me feel. The way she would just talk and talk and talk when I called her. We could talk for hours and not run out of anything to say. I miss the way she would hold my hand whenever I wanted her to. She would even do it in public. The way she would dance when a song she liked came on, the way we would make eye contact when knew what the other person was thinking. I miss the way she would bite her bottom lip and grunt when she hip checked me. I miss all the cute Facebook notes she would leave me. I miss her threatening to kill anyone who made me sad. I miss the way she would yell 'Suck my dick!' at the top her lungs. I miss the butt wars we would have in the bathroom when we were getting ready for school in the morning. I miss her telling me that I was making her late, like always. I miss bothering her until she finally let me paint her nails.

I miss the way she smiled with her eyes, her laugh and her voice. I miss Kenzie. I miss my best friend. I miss my little sister.