Head In The Clouds

I checked out. My mind is in Lewistown. I want to be there. I'm ready to move. I feel like I'm just sitting here putting in my time, I want time to speed up. I can't help but feel like everything will be better once I get there. Unrealistic? Maybe. But it feels good to have hope. We don't have a move date yet, but we should have one soon. I get to be in Lewistown from the 9th to the 16th and I'm already dreading coming back. Some things I'm excited to be close to:

- KENZIE!
- Family
- Skeeter
- People in Lewistown know me, I miss knowing people
- You can drive for 10 minutes and be anywhere
- Taco Time
- "The Loop"
- Memories
- Dirt roads
- Pal and Daisy
- Dash Inn
- East Fork
- Mountains
- The Martin Kids
- Spook

Zarnia

Here are some pictures of the new house. Most of them are of the apartment because that's what I'm most excited for!

Don't Try To Tell Me I'll Stop Hurting

This is probably a mess cause I'm crying and there are tears and boogers everywhere.

Kenzie is home, in Lewistown. And I'm not. That's really tough for me. I keep replaying all the memories and I miss her so much. I want to her laugh or some offensive joke or even her crying on the phone telling me if I drive fast I can make if before morning. I miss my sister. I miss my person to tell everything big or small, happy, sad or dumb.

I've gotten use to this life of grief but I still miss my old life. I miss getting texts with way too many vowels. I miss getting called a sensitive asshole for being so emotional. I want all that happiness that used to wrap me up.

Things are so different now. Today they drove into town and went to the new house. That little fact is hard to wrap my head around. 'Home' is a new place. Not the place I've lived, laughed, cried, fought in and ran away from. It's just a building but it's the place I became me. It was my jungle gym, safe place, and prison. It was the place where I spent my whole life.

"You don't know her like I do. You'll never understand and you don't know what we've been through. That girl's my best friend. There's no way you're gonna help me. She's the only one who can."

I deal with the pain because I am so lucky that I had that much to lose.

Lucky Girl

I am a lucky girl. I have people that love me. I have people that I love. I have enough money to live. I have a job that makes me use my brain. I have a working brain. (Mostly.) I have a girlfriend that I am head over heels in love with. I have a family that lets me be me. Even if I embarrass them 99% of the time. Kenzie is moving home in 3 days. I have a sister who I love more than anything in this world. I just got a new position at work. I have a family that extends beyond blood lines. Starr is graduating college in 35 days. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. If I have so much then why am I always sad?

Sunday's Are The Best

After we went to 21 Jump Street, we went down to the river for a few hours. Something about the sunshine brings out all of the cute couples and the boys taking pictures of their cars.

Nighttime is Always the Loneliest

Things I'm thankful for at this exact minute:
Rebecca
This text:I don't wanna say it's going to feel better with time. Or that it's not going to hurt anymore after x amount of time. I don't want to say she's going to make a full recovery, though I'm hoping she does. I know that's what you hear the most, and I know that after a while it just becomes phrases that really don't mean anything more than someone didnt know what else to say. I know that for me, it hasn't gotten easier with time. Losing Kenzie flipped my world upside down and I haven't been able to flip it back. I cant even imagine how you feel, nor do I want to pretend I can. Just know that I love the hell out of you, and I wanna help in any way I can. Except for throwing cliches your way. Everyone else does enough of that. I love you, and I hope to see your heart heal very soon.
Rum
Starr's love
My girlfriend being completely okay with me wearing sweat pants and no makeup.
Enough Kenzie memories to last a lifetime.

The Inner Workings of My Mind (It's a Freakshow)

The way my brain works is different then most. I'm going to try to explain this in the least confusing way possible. 

When I meet someone, they are neutral. I see them as a person. Not cute or ugly (I don't judge on outside appearance). I don't see them and have an initial reaction of I'm attracted or not attracted to them. By attracted I don't just mean physically. I mean connected to them in an emotional/personal way as to build a friendship.

If they do something nice, smart or funny... They go up and they become more attractive.

If they do something dumb, mean or hurtful... They go down and they become unattractive. 

When the good/positive is in the lead they are attractive to me.

When the bad/negative outweighs the rest then I'll find them unattractive.

That's how I initially decide to pursue a friendship/relationship with that person. 

I decided to write about it because Starr and I were talking about how people pick partners/friends and apparently not many people do it like I do!