Kenzie was hospitalized after contracting a severe UTI. After turning purple, getting 104 fever and freaking out both the night nurse and my mom, Kenzie got to go on a trip to the E.R. Because of the shunt in her head they want to keep her for a few days because it's a possibility that her body's natural response will attack the shunt that's in her head/stomach. Of course she'll have awesome company and anyone is invited to stop up, say hi or be mean to her!
I swear we've spent so much time in hospitals in the last year and a half that we could write an etiquette book. Here are a few tips, tricks and rules that I've learned:
Ask questions, its better to look dumb than to feel helpless and confused.
Use the nurses and CNA's to your advantage, that's what they are for. If you need something, ask for it.
If you're gonna get hurt/sick, go to Great Falls, the Lewistown hospital has Facebook blocked, ridiculous.
Don't be afraid to question doctors decision's, they can only make decisions with what they know.
Hospital beds can sleep two.
Friends are everywhere.
Caffeine can be your best friend, or your worst enemy.
Buy expensive Kleenex, your nose is worth it.
Doctors and nurses work really hard, be nice.
Write everything down, survival mode doesn't include long-term memory.
Don't forget to eat, it puts everyone in a better mood.
Laugh and be inappropriate, serious-ness will kill you.
Drink water, it does a body good.
and
Waiting rooms are an awesome place to play pooch or pregnant.
Showing posts with label sister. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sister. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Day Maker
The other day I was driving to work, I wasn't paying attention and sat a green light a little too long. I had the music up and the windows down, just jammin'. When I hit the next red light a lady in a SUV was waving at me and trying to get my attention, my first thought was "Oh shit." I was so surprised when she asked me who Kenzie was. (My back window has "Pray for Kenzie" written across it.) I explained as quickly as I could, yelling over traffic, and she told me she'd pray for her. Of course as as soon as she drove away I started crying. (I could have been over hydrated.) Sometimes it's the little things that turn an entire day around.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Small Town, USA
I decided to include a guest blog I've written for a local realtor.
"I used to think it too small to spend a life in, but now I'm not so sure." - Mary Kelly
I left Lewistown, Montana two days after I turned 18. I moved to Billings, the biggest city in the state with a culture shocking 100,000 people. 10 months later, I moved to Bismarck, ND, which wasn't as big, but with the oil boom happening, it wasn't as safe either.
When I came home for my first long visit, it was like I was looking at home through new eyes. When I was a teenager, I assumed that every adult I knew was waiting for me to mess up, then they would call my parents. It took a little growing up to realize that the adults in my life were more worried about keeping me safe than getting me in trouble, and in that small town, I had a lot of guardian angels. Now, it felt more like the entire town was a huge, albeit unconventional, family.This idea was made into a reality quickly after I left again.
My little sister, Kenzie, was in a car accident during the summer of 2011. The little community that I couldn't wait to run away from, turned into the place I ran to, and they welcomed me with open arms. Strangers were putting on fundraisers for my family and everywhere I looked there were green and yellow "Pray for Kenzie" magnets.
After being gone for two and a half years, I am finally coming full circle and moving back home where I belong. Where life a little slower and a little simpler. People genuinely care about one another and differences are embraced as opposed to discriminated.
"I used to think it too small to spend a life in, but now I'm not so sure." - Mary Kelly
I left Lewistown, Montana two days after I turned 18. I moved to Billings, the biggest city in the state with a culture shocking 100,000 people. 10 months later, I moved to Bismarck, ND, which wasn't as big, but with the oil boom happening, it wasn't as safe either.
When I came home for my first long visit, it was like I was looking at home through new eyes. When I was a teenager, I assumed that every adult I knew was waiting for me to mess up, then they would call my parents. It took a little growing up to realize that the adults in my life were more worried about keeping me safe than getting me in trouble, and in that small town, I had a lot of guardian angels. Now, it felt more like the entire town was a huge, albeit unconventional, family.This idea was made into a reality quickly after I left again.
My little sister, Kenzie, was in a car accident during the summer of 2011. The little community that I couldn't wait to run away from, turned into the place I ran to, and they welcomed me with open arms. Strangers were putting on fundraisers for my family and everywhere I looked there were green and yellow "Pray for Kenzie" magnets.
After being gone for two and a half years, I am finally coming full circle and moving back home where I belong. Where life a little slower and a little simpler. People genuinely care about one another and differences are embraced as opposed to discriminated.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
We Acquire the Strength We Have Overcome.
This week has felt like a time warp.
Starr's good friend, Sam, has a little 9 year old sister. 5 days ago, that little sister was critically injured in a car accident. Sam and her big sister, Jill, flew in from New York to be with her. Starr and I called in to work yesterday and took the day off to spend with them. While we couldn't go in to see Baylee, we were able to spend a few hours with Sam and Jill.
Everything they are going through has hit so close to home. Just a year ago we were in the same position. Listening to them talk about what they were feeling and going through takes me right back to the Great Falls ICU room that became Kenzie's home. I remember being scared to talk to Kenzie because when I talked to her, I would cry and I didn't want to scare her. I remember sitting silently, waiting for the doctors or nurses to come in to give us any information, and as soon as they would give us more hard news, our hearts would break into even smaller peices. I remember thinking that she'd wake up and everything would be okay again. After all, it was my little sister and bad things only happened on TV and in the news. It never happened in real life, let alone my life.
Jill asked me how we got through it and the answer is just to take it day by day, minute by minute if you have to. Just when you think you're all cried out, you'll cry a lot more. Remember to eat, cause a hungry girl, means a grumpy girl and anger will make you cry even more. If you need to hate God, then do it. It wasn't anyone else's business and you don't have to explain yourself. Hug your loved ones, they love you and they don't know what to say to make it better. Let them know they don't have to know, they can just listen and that's okay. Don't forget to fight. Fight for what you think is right.
As they were getting Kenzie prepared for her flight to Seattle, her nurse came up to me and hugged me, and during that hug she told me that her sister died in a car accident when she was 16 and she would have done anything to have given her sister more time.
Hospitals are tough places to grieve in. All of your focus is on your loved one that's in there, but you can't help but notice the other families that share the waiting room. There is a quiet understanding between the familes that you're all on the same team. It renews hope when someone gets out, but it makes the tunnel even darker when another person doesn't make it.
Hold on to your loved ones, you never know what's going to happen.
(I'm still looking for a few people to write letters! I've had some people say they would and they've fallen through. Also: looking for guest blog writers! Contact me at kayla.zarn@hotmail.com for more information.)
Starr's good friend, Sam, has a little 9 year old sister. 5 days ago, that little sister was critically injured in a car accident. Sam and her big sister, Jill, flew in from New York to be with her. Starr and I called in to work yesterday and took the day off to spend with them. While we couldn't go in to see Baylee, we were able to spend a few hours with Sam and Jill.
Everything they are going through has hit so close to home. Just a year ago we were in the same position. Listening to them talk about what they were feeling and going through takes me right back to the Great Falls ICU room that became Kenzie's home. I remember being scared to talk to Kenzie because when I talked to her, I would cry and I didn't want to scare her. I remember sitting silently, waiting for the doctors or nurses to come in to give us any information, and as soon as they would give us more hard news, our hearts would break into even smaller peices. I remember thinking that she'd wake up and everything would be okay again. After all, it was my little sister and bad things only happened on TV and in the news. It never happened in real life, let alone my life.
Jill asked me how we got through it and the answer is just to take it day by day, minute by minute if you have to. Just when you think you're all cried out, you'll cry a lot more. Remember to eat, cause a hungry girl, means a grumpy girl and anger will make you cry even more. If you need to hate God, then do it. It wasn't anyone else's business and you don't have to explain yourself. Hug your loved ones, they love you and they don't know what to say to make it better. Let them know they don't have to know, they can just listen and that's okay. Don't forget to fight. Fight for what you think is right.
As they were getting Kenzie prepared for her flight to Seattle, her nurse came up to me and hugged me, and during that hug she told me that her sister died in a car accident when she was 16 and she would have done anything to have given her sister more time.
Hospitals are tough places to grieve in. All of your focus is on your loved one that's in there, but you can't help but notice the other families that share the waiting room. There is a quiet understanding between the familes that you're all on the same team. It renews hope when someone gets out, but it makes the tunnel even darker when another person doesn't make it.
Hold on to your loved ones, you never know what's going to happen.
(I'm still looking for a few people to write letters! I've had some people say they would and they've fallen through. Also: looking for guest blog writers! Contact me at kayla.zarn@hotmail.com for more information.)
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Sisters Heal Your Heart
Kenzie's best friend Madison and her big sister Kayela came up for the barbecue. That's right, her Lewistown friends get too busy for her, but these girls drove a total of 14 hours for a two night visit. They were so helpful, they helped clean, do yard work and set up for the barbecue. We had a blast with them, we caught up, drank too much and laughed a lot.
Madison amazed me with the way she treated Kenzie. She treated her just like she was Kenzie. Always talking to her and touching her. Including her. Instead of talking about her, she talked to her. She made sure that she wasn't ever alone and continuously giving her shit. :)
Madison and Kayela made yesterday so much easier. The tearful goodbye today was hard, but that just means Kenz and I get to look forward to another visit. Thank you girls for everythingI love you!
Madison amazed me with the way she treated Kenzie. She treated her just like she was Kenzie. Always talking to her and touching her. Including her. Instead of talking about her, she talked to her. She made sure that she wasn't ever alone and continuously giving her shit. :)
Madison and Kayela made yesterday so much easier. The tearful goodbye today was hard, but that just means Kenz and I get to look forward to another visit. Thank you girls for everythingI love you!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
One Year (Who Knew?)
Today it has been exactly a year since the accident.
Who knew you could live through a year without a smiley face text from your little sister?
Who knew you could make it a year without hearing someone's voice but still feel like your hearts sing that same song?
Who knew that you could feel so many emotions at once?
Who knew new music could come out and Kenzie wouldn't know the lyrics?
Who knew that your heart could shatter into a million pieces but you could keep living?
Who knew you could lose your better half and still remember how to breathe?
Who knew it would be weird to make it through a day without tears?
Who knew survival mode didn't include memory?
Who knew I'd still miss her so much?
Who knew everyday would actually get harder to keep going but easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel?
Who knew seeing a picture of that smile would take your breath away?
Who knew that I would regret ever telling her to be quiet?
Who knew you could cry from not seeing a daily Facebook status?
Who knew it took effort to continue living?
Who knew that saying "I love you" every time you have a conversation with someone could be so important?
Who knew it would be the last time?
Who knew when I wrote "One More Day :)" on Kenzie's Facebook, on July 11th, 2011, that no words would ever be more true?
Who knew your world could stop and everyone else would get to keep on living?
Who knew she'd forever stay 16 in my mind?
Who knew she wouldn't graduate high school?
Who knew it would be so lonely at night when the world went to sleep?
Who knew that sunny evening would turn into a living a hell?
Who knew everything would go dark without her smile?
Who knew one girl was so loved?
Who knew that so many would come to our rescue?
Who knew that strangers would comfort more than friends?
Who knew everything would change?
Who knew home wouldn't be home anymore?
Who knew life as we knew it was over?
Who knew every time you thought you were healed, the wound would open again and the emptiness would return?
Who knew every wish would be dedicated to healing that brain?
Who knew how bad this life needed that laugh?
Who knew a partner in crime would be important for quality of life?
I didn't know, but now I do.
Who knew you could live through a year without a smiley face text from your little sister?
Who knew you could make it a year without hearing someone's voice but still feel like your hearts sing that same song?
Who knew that you could feel so many emotions at once?
Who knew new music could come out and Kenzie wouldn't know the lyrics?
Who knew that your heart could shatter into a million pieces but you could keep living?
Who knew you could lose your better half and still remember how to breathe?
Who knew it would be weird to make it through a day without tears?
Who knew survival mode didn't include memory?
Who knew I'd still miss her so much?
Who knew everyday would actually get harder to keep going but easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel?
Who knew seeing a picture of that smile would take your breath away?
Who knew that I would regret ever telling her to be quiet?
Who knew you could cry from not seeing a daily Facebook status?
Who knew it took effort to continue living?
Who knew that saying "I love you" every time you have a conversation with someone could be so important?
Who knew it would be the last time?
Who knew when I wrote "One More Day :)" on Kenzie's Facebook, on July 11th, 2011, that no words would ever be more true?
Who knew your world could stop and everyone else would get to keep on living?
Who knew she'd forever stay 16 in my mind?
Who knew she wouldn't graduate high school?
Who knew it would be so lonely at night when the world went to sleep?
Who knew that sunny evening would turn into a living a hell?
Who knew everything would go dark without her smile?
Who knew one girl was so loved?
Who knew that so many would come to our rescue?
Who knew that strangers would comfort more than friends?
Who knew everything would change?
Who knew home wouldn't be home anymore?
Who knew life as we knew it was over?
Who knew every time you thought you were healed, the wound would open again and the emptiness would return?
Who knew every wish would be dedicated to healing that brain?
Who knew how bad this life needed that laugh?
Who knew a partner in crime would be important for quality of life?
I didn't know, but now I do.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I Am a Big Sister
I am a daughter, girlfriend, niece, cousin and friend. But my favorite title is sister. To me, being a sister means being a best friend, cheerleader, shrink, mind reader, doubter, dream sharer, memory keeper, rival, defense attorney, challenger, protecter and keeper of secrets.
It means being whatever she needs you to be, whenever she needs you, whether she realizes it or not. It means that only you are allowed to pick on her and if anyone messes with her, you have to kill 'em. It means teaching her how to be sneaky, do a flip on the trampoline, wear makeup and how to drive a clutch. It means knowing exactly how to cheer her up on stupid days. It means giggling til 3 in the morning. It means whats hers is yours and vice versa, including her half chewed gum. It means talking all night about mom and dad, friends at school or the boys of summer. It means stealing clothes and wearing a sweatshirt all day so she won't notice. It means learning the hard way that girls are bitches, mom and dad are always right and any other best friends will be slightly less best than that girl you call sister. It means saving your pennies for gas money so you can find that back road where you feel like the only two in the world. It means never giving up hope. It means being together every step of the way. It means fighting for her when she can't fight for herself. It means unconditional love and it means missing you like crazy, Kiz.
It means being whatever she needs you to be, whenever she needs you, whether she realizes it or not. It means that only you are allowed to pick on her and if anyone messes with her, you have to kill 'em. It means teaching her how to be sneaky, do a flip on the trampoline, wear makeup and how to drive a clutch. It means knowing exactly how to cheer her up on stupid days. It means giggling til 3 in the morning. It means whats hers is yours and vice versa, including her half chewed gum. It means talking all night about mom and dad, friends at school or the boys of summer. It means stealing clothes and wearing a sweatshirt all day so she won't notice. It means learning the hard way that girls are bitches, mom and dad are always right and any other best friends will be slightly less best than that girl you call sister. It means saving your pennies for gas money so you can find that back road where you feel like the only two in the world. It means never giving up hope. It means being together every step of the way. It means fighting for her when she can't fight for herself. It means unconditional love and it means missing you like crazy, Kiz.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Don't Try To Tell Me I'll Stop Hurting
This is probably a mess cause I'm crying and there are tears and boogers everywhere.
Kenzie is home, in Lewistown. And I'm not. That's really tough for me. I keep replaying all the memories and I miss her so much. I want to her laugh or some offensive joke or even her crying on the phone telling me if I drive fast I can make if before morning. I miss my sister. I miss my person to tell everything big or small, happy, sad or dumb.
I've gotten use to this life of grief but I still miss my old life. I miss getting texts with way too many vowels. I miss getting called a sensitive asshole for being so emotional. I want all that happiness that used to wrap me up.
Things are so different now. Today they drove into town and went to the new house. That little fact is hard to wrap my head around. 'Home' is a new place. Not the place I've lived, laughed, cried, fought in and ran away from. It's just a building but it's the place I became me. It was my jungle gym, safe place, and prison. It was the place where I spent my whole life.
"You don't know her like I do. You'll never understand and you don't know what we've been through. That girl's my best friend. There's no way you're gonna help me. She's the only one who can."
I deal with the pain because I am so lucky that I had that much to lose.
Kenzie is home, in Lewistown. And I'm not. That's really tough for me. I keep replaying all the memories and I miss her so much. I want to her laugh or some offensive joke or even her crying on the phone telling me if I drive fast I can make if before morning. I miss my sister. I miss my person to tell everything big or small, happy, sad or dumb.
I've gotten use to this life of grief but I still miss my old life. I miss getting texts with way too many vowels. I miss getting called a sensitive asshole for being so emotional. I want all that happiness that used to wrap me up.
Things are so different now. Today they drove into town and went to the new house. That little fact is hard to wrap my head around. 'Home' is a new place. Not the place I've lived, laughed, cried, fought in and ran away from. It's just a building but it's the place I became me. It was my jungle gym, safe place, and prison. It was the place where I spent my whole life.
"You don't know her like I do. You'll never understand and you don't know what we've been through. That girl's my best friend. There's no way you're gonna help me. She's the only one who can."
I deal with the pain because I am so lucky that I had that much to lose.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
1-11-12
184 days.
That's what Kenzie missed. That's how long it been since anyone has heard her laugh or voice. I miss that the most.
I get angry at the world for not feeling the impact of what they lost. There will never be anyone like her. I get angry at people who can be happy. I'm always sad. Even when I'm happy, I'm just less sad.
There is a constant hurt inside of me. If I let myself think about all of our memories it physically hurts.
Late at night when it's just me awake, I get the urge to call or text her. Just like always. Then I realize she won't answer and I feel so alone. All I want I is her.
It hasn't gotten any easier. The hurt hasn't lessened. I just learned that everyday is going to hurt. Some days hurt more than others. Today is one of those days.
Monday, August 29, 2011
12!
I have a few blog ideas, but I don't wanna cry tonight, and when I write about Kenz I cry a lot.
Facts About Me
12. I make a wish at 7:21, 4:23 and 10:19.
11. I'm not even a little bit mad at Erika and I never have been. I'll make a blog about this later.
10. I love books. I refuse to read on the new electronic tablets. I love the feel of pages, and I read in the shower.
9. I don't like most people. I like them individually. But I don't like groups of people.
8. My kidneys suck. Usually my left one, but sometimes my right one too.
7. I Facebook creep, like a pro! Public profiles are one of my favorite things.
6. I love Dr. Phil. I used to like Oprah, before she had a behind the scenes show. Then I saw what she is really like and I don't like her very much.
5. I am pretty offensive. Always.
4. I'm in a same-sex relationship. I'm not gay. But I'll call myself a lesbian if it's easier for you. I'll marry my girl someday.
3. My family is awesome, all of them, even my parents. We fight and drive each other crazy, but we love each other a lot and I don't keep secrets from them.
2. My life changed on July 11, 2011.
1. My little sister is my very best friend.
Facts About Me
12. I make a wish at 7:21, 4:23 and 10:19.
11. I'm not even a little bit mad at Erika and I never have been. I'll make a blog about this later.
10. I love books. I refuse to read on the new electronic tablets. I love the feel of pages, and I read in the shower.
9. I don't like most people. I like them individually. But I don't like groups of people.
8. My kidneys suck. Usually my left one, but sometimes my right one too.
7. I Facebook creep, like a pro! Public profiles are one of my favorite things.
6. I love Dr. Phil. I used to like Oprah, before she had a behind the scenes show. Then I saw what she is really like and I don't like her very much.
5. I am pretty offensive. Always.
4. I'm in a same-sex relationship. I'm not gay. But I'll call myself a lesbian if it's easier for you. I'll marry my girl someday.
3. My family is awesome, all of them, even my parents. We fight and drive each other crazy, but we love each other a lot and I don't keep secrets from them.
2. My life changed on July 11, 2011.
1. My little sister is my very best friend.
Friday, August 26, 2011
"Stay Strong!"
At the beginning of this journey, we were praying for Kenzie to live. Everyday she was back and forth between critical and stable. Then she lived. Then we started waiting, then we kept waiting.
Every single day our lives is a roller coaster. Somedays the doctors are hopeful, sometimes they say she won't ever wake up. Then she moves or acts like she knows we are there and our hearts soar! Just to have the doctor come in and tell us the best thing for her is to just let her die.
It's so hard to keep hoping and have faith when you know that even if she comes back, it won't be MY Kenzie. Sometimes the doctors say that she will have no quality of life and absolutely no chance of an independent life.
And then she moves finger when my parents ask her to...
How are you supposed to take all that? It's such an emotional journey and when people say "stay strong" I wanna punch them in the face. If you were in my situation, (your little sister/best friend's life has been taken, but yet she is still alive) how would YOU take it. How in the world would you possibly be able to "stay strong"? Your entire life has been flipped upside down, you have to watch your parents' hearts break, Kenzie's friends hurting and your extended family crumbling. Every morning when I wake up I have to ask myself "How are you going to get yourself through the day?" and every night it's so easy to think "Wouldn't it be so simple to just not wake up?" but then I think of my parents and Starr and it's such a selfish thought. You have to deal with her life being over, the thought of her starting a new one and if it really is best for us to be keeping her here.
In my heart, I feel that Kenzie isn't ready to quit. She waited for the EMT's to get there before she stopped breathing and she hasn't quit since. Her heart hasn't skipped a beat. I think she will let us know when she's ready, and from what I see, she isn't even close.
Every single day our lives is a roller coaster. Somedays the doctors are hopeful, sometimes they say she won't ever wake up. Then she moves or acts like she knows we are there and our hearts soar! Just to have the doctor come in and tell us the best thing for her is to just let her die.
It's so hard to keep hoping and have faith when you know that even if she comes back, it won't be MY Kenzie. Sometimes the doctors say that she will have no quality of life and absolutely no chance of an independent life.
And then she moves finger when my parents ask her to...
How are you supposed to take all that? It's such an emotional journey and when people say "stay strong" I wanna punch them in the face. If you were in my situation, (your little sister/best friend's life has been taken, but yet she is still alive) how would YOU take it. How in the world would you possibly be able to "stay strong"? Your entire life has been flipped upside down, you have to watch your parents' hearts break, Kenzie's friends hurting and your extended family crumbling. Every morning when I wake up I have to ask myself "How are you going to get yourself through the day?" and every night it's so easy to think "Wouldn't it be so simple to just not wake up?" but then I think of my parents and Starr and it's such a selfish thought. You have to deal with her life being over, the thought of her starting a new one and if it really is best for us to be keeping her here.
In my heart, I feel that Kenzie isn't ready to quit. She waited for the EMT's to get there before she stopped breathing and she hasn't quit since. Her heart hasn't skipped a beat. I think she will let us know when she's ready, and from what I see, she isn't even close.
Monday, August 22, 2011
My Sister, My Friend
This post is going to be a little different. There isn't a 'theme'. I didn't really wanna write because I've been a wreck the past two days, but I figured once I took a day off I wouldn't come back. I have a few things I want to address. So here we are!
First, I'm going to be bitchy and say that it drives me crazy when people say "Just open your eyes, girl" or "Let's see those beautiful eyes!" Kenzie has sleep/wake cycles. When she is sleeping her eyes are closed, when she is awake her eyes are open. HER EYES ARE OPEN. But they don't move. Well, the right one twitches a bit but thats it. Okay, just had to get that off my chest.
I went through all of my old Facebook messages from Kiz today, most of them are completely inappropriate. But here is a keeper.
Kenz- i want you here.
Me- i know. i'm sorry.
Kenz- not youre fault.
Me- i love you. always. the most.
Kenz- i love you so much. i can't even tell you.
Me- you will always be the best friend that makes all my other best friends a little less.
Kenz- same to you, even if they are just a little bit less.
A few people have asked me to make Kenzie and I's relationship a blog topic. But I can't. I'm not ready. It hurts too bad.
Today, I held my Kenzie's hand and cried. I did both all day. I told how much I missed her and how I was waiting for her to come back. I told her about the accident. I told her that Erika is okay. I told her that today is August 22nd and that she has been away for 42 days. I told her I loved her and I cried some more. I told her she can't talk to me because she broke her jaw and it's wired shut.
I prayed out loud. I asked God to help her, heal her brain and bring her back to us. I told him that I'm selfish and I want my sister. He can't have her yet.
She squeezed my hand a few times. She moved her face a few times. She turned her head towards me.
I'm got a few videos of her moving when I was talking to her, but I'm not sure about sharing them yet.
Here are a bunch of Kenzie pictures! The first one is her new haircut, poor girl. The one after that is a picture of her from today. The rest are from the last 2 years or so. Pictures of us, just loving each other.
& a girlfriend picture cause I miss her. :)
First, I'm going to be bitchy and say that it drives me crazy when people say "Just open your eyes, girl" or "Let's see those beautiful eyes!" Kenzie has sleep/wake cycles. When she is sleeping her eyes are closed, when she is awake her eyes are open. HER EYES ARE OPEN. But they don't move. Well, the right one twitches a bit but thats it. Okay, just had to get that off my chest.
I went through all of my old Facebook messages from Kiz today, most of them are completely inappropriate. But here is a keeper.
Kenz- i want you here.
Me- i know. i'm sorry.
Kenz- not youre fault.
Me- i love you. always. the most.
Kenz- i love you so much. i can't even tell you.
Me- you will always be the best friend that makes all my other best friends a little less.
Kenz- same to you, even if they are just a little bit less.
A few people have asked me to make Kenzie and I's relationship a blog topic. But I can't. I'm not ready. It hurts too bad.
Today, I held my Kenzie's hand and cried. I did both all day. I told how much I missed her and how I was waiting for her to come back. I told her about the accident. I told her that Erika is okay. I told her that today is August 22nd and that she has been away for 42 days. I told her I loved her and I cried some more. I told her she can't talk to me because she broke her jaw and it's wired shut.
I prayed out loud. I asked God to help her, heal her brain and bring her back to us. I told him that I'm selfish and I want my sister. He can't have her yet.
She squeezed my hand a few times. She moved her face a few times. She turned her head towards me.
I'm got a few videos of her moving when I was talking to her, but I'm not sure about sharing them yet.
Here are a bunch of Kenzie pictures! The first one is her new haircut, poor girl. The one after that is a picture of her from today. The rest are from the last 2 years or so. Pictures of us, just loving each other.
& a girlfriend picture cause I miss her. :)
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Drown in Love and Memories
Dad was raised Catholic and Mom was raised Presbyterian. Grandma Betty goes to Mass every Saturday night. Grandma Mona taught Sunday school. Kenzie and I weren't really raised in any religion. Keah's family took us a to Wednesday School at the Methodist Church in Lewistown for a while, but we didn't go very often after we were allowed to stay home alone. Joel and I went to a Buddhist Temple last fall, there was a lot of meditating and my attention span could not handle it.
Religion wasn't something we talked about very much at our house. We had a few dusty Bibles on our bookshelves, but it just wasn't a priority. Kenzie and I had had enough conversations for me to know that she was a christian.
God and I have a "unique" relationship. I don't personally believe in the Bible, I'm not a christian. I think the Bible is a collection of stories that were written to help people develop good morals, but I do not believe that it was written by God or from God's words.
Everyday, God and I go back and forth. Somedays I think that he is the reason Kenzie is lying in that bed, that if he is 'almighty' then he has the power to make her better and our lives back together. Those are the days that I hate him, those are the days that we bad news from doctors, those are the days I watch Mom's heart break and know there is nothing I can do to help my parent's hurt. Those are the bad days, the 'stay in bed all day' days, the 'cry at everything and hate the kids that get to go back to school' days. Those days are tough. Those are the days when the panic attacks take over. Those are the days that most people don't see.
Of course we have good days. Those days that I ask God to help my sister, help my family, give us strength. Those are the days that people see. When people say "You are so strong." Those are the days when Kenzie responds and the pressure is down. Lately, there hasn't been many of those days in this family. But I still have hope. Kenzie is young, the brain takes 2 years to heal after a tramatic injury and your brain isn't fully developed until you are 24 years old. Kenzie has time on her side, I think we need to give her that time and in the meantime do everything WE can: good karma, positive thoughts, check out alternative medicine.
After saying all that, I do appreciate everyone's prayers. Everyone interacts differently with 'their' God. Everyone has their own personal relationship with him/her and it never hurts to ask for healing. I mean with Kenzie, we are going to use everything possible. I am thankful for everyone that says a prayer for her or our family and just because it's not my religion or belief system doesn't mean it doesn't help.
Religion wasn't something we talked about very much at our house. We had a few dusty Bibles on our bookshelves, but it just wasn't a priority. Kenzie and I had had enough conversations for me to know that she was a christian.
God and I have a "unique" relationship. I don't personally believe in the Bible, I'm not a christian. I think the Bible is a collection of stories that were written to help people develop good morals, but I do not believe that it was written by God or from God's words.
Everyday, God and I go back and forth. Somedays I think that he is the reason Kenzie is lying in that bed, that if he is 'almighty' then he has the power to make her better and our lives back together. Those are the days that I hate him, those are the days that we bad news from doctors, those are the days I watch Mom's heart break and know there is nothing I can do to help my parent's hurt. Those are the bad days, the 'stay in bed all day' days, the 'cry at everything and hate the kids that get to go back to school' days. Those days are tough. Those are the days when the panic attacks take over. Those are the days that most people don't see.
Of course we have good days. Those days that I ask God to help my sister, help my family, give us strength. Those are the days that people see. When people say "You are so strong." Those are the days when Kenzie responds and the pressure is down. Lately, there hasn't been many of those days in this family. But I still have hope. Kenzie is young, the brain takes 2 years to heal after a tramatic injury and your brain isn't fully developed until you are 24 years old. Kenzie has time on her side, I think we need to give her that time and in the meantime do everything WE can: good karma, positive thoughts, check out alternative medicine.
After saying all that, I do appreciate everyone's prayers. Everyone interacts differently with 'their' God. Everyone has their own personal relationship with him/her and it never hurts to ask for healing. I mean with Kenzie, we are going to use everything possible. I am thankful for everyone that says a prayer for her or our family and just because it's not my religion or belief system doesn't mean it doesn't help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)