Good Place

It's been a while since I've posted an update blog! Summer 2013 was busy and full of travel. Starr and I went to Helena for my 21st birthday and our schedule was full. We did a boat tour at the Gates of the Mountains, a train tour of Helena, toured the Montana museum and did a short tour of the original governor's mansion. The next weekend we drove to Great Falls, meaning to go to the Kip Moore concert but we saw how short the lines were for the fair rides and ended up spending the evening running from ride to ride. We took a trip to Missoula and a trip to Billings around end of July/beginning of August, too. Starr got a new job and is now the Deputy Juvenile Probation Officer. She'll be finished at the club on Friday and start full time at her new job next Tuesday! Exciting!

As of August 10th Starr and I have lived in Montana for a year. It's been a year of change, that's for sure. But almost every change was for the better. I feel like a lot of growth has happened. Growing up is hard but finding yourself is worth it. I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing more, but after not writing for so long, I realized that writing in a setting like this makes your vulnerable. It's difficult to get back to that point of honesty, kind of feels like a muscle I haven't exercised. I'll play catch up with some pictures!
                                                                   On the Tilt-a-Whirl!

Walter's mad face

Ready for her 1st day! I told her to give me some sass.

My Day (Time)

1 o'clock is mundane, Books, background noise Polished nails

3 o'clock weighs heavy On the lids of my eyes, Caffeine, ticking clock

5 o'clock takes me home, To our bed where I belong Next to my sleeping love.

8 o'clock little spoon, big spoon Skin, blankets, hot breathe Perfect serenity

10 o'clock see you later Kisses linger on my sleepy mouth Chaste, but comforting

3 o'clock waiting, restless, eager For my half to become whole With her return

7 o'clock togetherness blankets us My heart is complete When she is close

9 o'clock goodnight Off to work, I'll miss you I love you, sleep well

11 o'clock preparing little sister For the night, sleep or not

Then and Now

happiness was

gravel roads, 

gossip at all hours,

vibrating speakers,

sneaking around,

being silly,

constant laughing,

no sleep,

happiness was

my best friend.

happiness is 

peaceful nights,

toothy grins,

her presence,

tiny miracles,

new life,

selfless love,

remembering moments,

happiness is

my best friend.

"I want all of you, forever, everyday."

STARR PROPOSED TO ME!

I know, I know. Finally, right?

Our love story started 5 years ago but we've been together consistently for the past 2.5 years. 

The top is us in beginning of 2008 and the bottom is us 2 weekends ago. (I had weird hair.)

Our engagement story:

Starr called me on her way home from work and asked if I wanted to go for a walk tonight without the dogs. We walk the dogs a lot and always follow the same path but instead of going on our usual route she wanted to go through the pasture. The view of the Moccasin Mountains from our pasture is amazing and it's one of my favorite places in the world; I always call them "my mountains". Well, all the horses had to be in our business and we were almost all the way through and she was just standing there. I kept telling her "Let's go, come on." And she kept saying "Come here." She was driving me crazy. So I walked towards her and she told me to close my eyes because she had a surprise. I was thinking she got me a candy bar or something like that. I opened my eyes and she was on one knee and she had the ring out and we were standing with a perfect view of my mountains. She said "Will you marry me?" And I said "Is this a joke, are you kidding?" Then I said "yes! Yes, yes!" and started crying... of course. 

My mountains

Pistol thought she was being soooo helpful.

The view was incredible!

More of my mountains.

We've had such awesome reactions from people, we couldn't have guessed we'd get so much support.

Starr's parents

Starr submitted our picture to Gay Marriage USA's Facebook page and we've gotten over 3,800 likes!

Then FCKH8 took the picture from them and posted it on their page! 

This prompted a message from a stranger:

Dear Starr and Kayla, 

You don't know me, but I saw your and Kayla's engagement picture and wanted to send congratulations your way. I grew up in Lewistown, in fact my parents and grandfather still live there. I left because as a gay man I thought it would be easier to find love and support elsewhere....I'm glad you didn't have to do the same. I hope you are finding most people in town to be supportive and if not, I wish you all the strength in the world to deal with them. Once again, congratulations and know that strangers out in this world are incredibly inspired and proud of you. Sometimes love takes way more bravery than it should have to.

Best wishes,

S

(I will not post his name here)

I know that at least for me, getting engaged to the girl I love was not about making a statement, it was not about being gay, it was not about anything said in the bible and it wasn't to steal anyone's thunder. It was about love. I love Starr more than I value peoples' negative opinions. I am proud of her and proud of our relationship. She's a rock star and our relationship is amazing. We have an awesome support system in Lewistown and through our extended families. It breaks my heart that people have had to deal with shitty people who are miserable enough to try to ruin someone else's happiness. There have been a few negative comments about this step we've taken but fuck those people. Only value the opinions from the people you value.

 I found my soul mate at age 15 and even though we've been down a rocky road and it hasn't always been easy, it has always been worth it. We have a healthy, happy and successful life together. We trust, respect and value each other. How lucky am I to have found someone so special, at such a young age?  

Here is our first picture as an engaged couple! 

I am so thankful that I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. I've never known that it was possible to feel so sure of something before now. I'll always have her to keep me grounded when my head is in the clouds, to love me even on my worst days; to laugh with, day and in and day out. It's us against the world. 

I'm Fucking Weird

This blog is going to be a list because I don't feel like writing complete sentences!

Ready? I'm weird because:

I watch YouTube videos more than I watch TV. (Don't ask about my subscriptions because they are embarrassing.)

I love Teen Mom. Like, I even made a Twitter so I can follow them. 

I play Candy Crush obsessively.

The more depressed I am, the less I sleep.

Starr and I have to divide chores, who gets to pick the TV show and who has to take care of the animals which nights because otherwise we fight. But that's the only thing we fight about.

I'm an extremely co-dependent being. I get a little crazy if I'm away from Starr or Kenzie for too long. Like more than 10 hours.

But I also get grumpy if I don't have alone time. I love being alone. 

It feels like the more I learn, the dumber I feel.

I suck at fundraisers because I hate humans. They are my least favorite animal. (Besides snakes)

I listen to podcasts while I fall asleep.

I have to have a blue Monster, every single day.

That's the end of my weirdness for the night. 

They Just Know

"Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to." - Alfred A. Montapert

These animals could teach a some humans quite a few tips on how to treat our friends.

You're supposed to be there for friends, no matter what.

Devastated

It's Valentine's Day and I'm excited. Starr always goes out of her way to make me feel special and spoil me senseless.

But my heart is heavy. I miss Kenzie horribly. I miss every little thing that she used to do. Her dance moves, her laugh, her loud voice. I've been pretty good for a few months and I miss her every single minute of every day but today the weight seems so heavy that it's hard to breathe.

Today, the world feels empty and hopeless without her personality.