"I want all of you, forever, everyday."

STARR PROPOSED TO ME!

I know, I know. Finally, right?

Our love story started 5 years ago but we've been together consistently for the past 2.5 years. 

The top is us in beginning of 2008 and the bottom is us 2 weekends ago. (I had weird hair.)

Our engagement story:

Starr called me on her way home from work and asked if I wanted to go for a walk tonight without the dogs. We walk the dogs a lot and always follow the same path but instead of going on our usual route she wanted to go through the pasture. The view of the Moccasin Mountains from our pasture is amazing and it's one of my favorite places in the world; I always call them "my mountains". Well, all the horses had to be in our business and we were almost all the way through and she was just standing there. I kept telling her "Let's go, come on." And she kept saying "Come here." She was driving me crazy. So I walked towards her and she told me to close my eyes because she had a surprise. I was thinking she got me a candy bar or something like that. I opened my eyes and she was on one knee and she had the ring out and we were standing with a perfect view of my mountains. She said "Will you marry me?" And I said "Is this a joke, are you kidding?" Then I said "yes! Yes, yes!" and started crying... of course. 

My mountains

Pistol thought she was being soooo helpful.

The view was incredible!

More of my mountains.

We've had such awesome reactions from people, we couldn't have guessed we'd get so much support.

Starr's parents

Starr submitted our picture to Gay Marriage USA's Facebook page and we've gotten over 3,800 likes!

Then FCKH8 took the picture from them and posted it on their page! 

This prompted a message from a stranger:

Dear Starr and Kayla, 

You don't know me, but I saw your and Kayla's engagement picture and wanted to send congratulations your way. I grew up in Lewistown, in fact my parents and grandfather still live there. I left because as a gay man I thought it would be easier to find love and support elsewhere....I'm glad you didn't have to do the same. I hope you are finding most people in town to be supportive and if not, I wish you all the strength in the world to deal with them. Once again, congratulations and know that strangers out in this world are incredibly inspired and proud of you. Sometimes love takes way more bravery than it should have to.

Best wishes,

S

(I will not post his name here)

I know that at least for me, getting engaged to the girl I love was not about making a statement, it was not about being gay, it was not about anything said in the bible and it wasn't to steal anyone's thunder. It was about love. I love Starr more than I value peoples' negative opinions. I am proud of her and proud of our relationship. She's a rock star and our relationship is amazing. We have an awesome support system in Lewistown and through our extended families. It breaks my heart that people have had to deal with shitty people who are miserable enough to try to ruin someone else's happiness. There have been a few negative comments about this step we've taken but fuck those people. Only value the opinions from the people you value.

 I found my soul mate at age 15 and even though we've been down a rocky road and it hasn't always been easy, it has always been worth it. We have a healthy, happy and successful life together. We trust, respect and value each other. How lucky am I to have found someone so special, at such a young age?  

Here is our first picture as an engaged couple! 

I am so thankful that I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. I've never known that it was possible to feel so sure of something before now. I'll always have her to keep me grounded when my head is in the clouds, to love me even on my worst days; to laugh with, day and in and day out. It's us against the world. 

Annnnd... We're back!

It's been a while and a lot has changed. We are settled in to the apartment, Stitch loves having his moms home and we got a brand new Kitten! His name is Walt and his momma got run over so we've been bottle feeding him. So between hanging out with both families, Stitch, Walt and new jobs, it's hard to find time to write.

We've gone to a few Writer's Group meetings and I love it. At first it was a little bit scary and it made get get out of my comfort zone, but I love it and I'm excited for the next meeting!

We are going to host a book exchange at our place next Saturday, if you're interested, let me know. Hopefully I'll something better out early this week!

Gotta Love Love

My girlfriend tag-teamed this one with me. Here is her personal blog - http://starrbrown.tumblr.com/
A lot has happened in the past two days, a couple very dear to my heart is going through a rough time. I haven't ever had two of my friends break up before, at least not where I was equally loyal to both parties. It's a tough situation. It all happened very quickly and was unexpected. My heart breaks for them. It was a long night and it's been a quiet day. No solution, we are just waiting for them to decide what is best for their relationship and themselves.

I find myself looking at my own relationship and holding too tightly. I am looking for all of the possible holes and trying to fill them. My world has been shaken. It's going to effect everyone that loves them. When things like this happens it makes you look inside of yourself and second guess everything that you and your partner have been through.

Everyone thinks that their own relationship is invincible. I know I did, you think "That can't happen to me, my partner and I are better then that because..." But you aren't. It can happen to anyone, nothing is permanent. Love is a privilege, it's something that you have to work at each and every day. If anything, I think that the further you get into a relationship the more work it is, it isn't new and exciting anymore and the 'glamour' is gone. I know that keeping the line between passion and comfort is something that we as a couple have struggled with. Especially with same sex relationships, it's hard to balance between best friend  and girlfriend because there is such a strong emotional connection.

Think of it like you are madly in love with your very best friend of same sex. In a heterosexual relationship, the connection that you have with your best friend is different with the one that you have with your partner. I know that in a lot of relationships you often become best friends with your significant other but you still have a different relationship with your friends. Take the relationship you have with your friends and add attraction, romantic love and passion. The boundaries that you have with your man and friends are very different and defined. In same sex relationships those lines don't exist; that makes it that much harder to know what needs in the relationship need to be met.

Often in female couples you stop being lovers; it becomes strictly a friend relationship when the passion is gone. When this happens the people still love each other but it's difficult to differentiate between loving someone and being in love.  After seeing your friends struggle you realize that being in love is something you have to work at everyday. You can't just expect to it to be rainbows and butterflies.

Love is Love

Anyone who knows Starr and I knows that we dated about two and half years ago. She left for college and we broke up, this January we got back together and in April we moved in together. We have had so many ups and downs throughout our friendship/relationship.

When we dated in high school we were sort of 'closeted' most of the school knew, but we kept it from our families. I made the decision to tell my parents about Starr in December. First, I called Kenzie. I knew she would be pissed if she wasn't the first person and to know. I was driving home from work and I called her and we talked about a few things and then I said, "I just want you to know that Starr and I are seeing each other, we aren't dating, but we have before and probably will again." Her response? "Okay, well anyways, I saw the SEXIEST truck after school..." Isn't she the best?

When I told my mom, she was pretty crushed. She was mad that I didn't tell her about our previous relationship. We had a tough couple months. My dad said "I knew it." and that was the end of that.

Perry, Sandra and Sierra didn't think twice. They liked Starr and they loved me. No questions about it.

Kenzie and my mom have completely opened their hearts and minds to Starr and welcomed her to the family with open arms. My mom left me a voicemail that said "God told me that I'm supposed to have 3 girls in my life." 

I am proud of all of the people in my life. We come from a pretty small/conservative town and no one has said anything or even implied any negativity towards us and our relationship. 

Sandra told Papa Hugh his response was, "Ah shit, I wasn't raised that way." But that was all he said and he accepted Starr and I.

Starr (who I usually call Girlfriend) is one of the best people I have ever been lucky enough to know. She is strong and smart and beautiful and loving and amazing. I have no words for how much I love her. I never had to think twice about being in a relationship with her. It would be crazy to miss out on being with her just because she is a girl. When you love someone, rules go out the window. I am comfortable enough with who I am to not have to define myself or my sexuality.

My Sister, My Friend

This post is going to be a little different. There isn't a 'theme'. I didn't really wanna write because I've been a wreck the past two days, but I figured once I took a day off I wouldn't come back. I have a few things I want to address. So here we are!

First, I'm going to be bitchy and say that it drives me crazy when people say "Just open your eyes, girl" or "Let's see those beautiful eyes!" Kenzie has sleep/wake cycles. When she is sleeping her eyes are closed, when she is awake her eyes are open. HER EYES ARE OPEN. But they don't move. Well, the right one twitches a bit but thats it. Okay, just had to get that off my chest.

I went through all of my old Facebook messages from Kiz today, most of them are completely inappropriate. But here is a keeper.

Kenz- i want you here.
Me- i know. i'm sorry.
Kenz- not youre fault.
Me- i love you. always. the most.
Kenz- i love you so much. i can't even tell you.
Me- you will always be the best friend that makes all my other best friends a little less.
Kenz- same to you, even if they are just a little bit less.

A few people have asked me to make Kenzie and I's relationship a blog topic. But I can't. I'm not ready. It hurts too bad.

Today, I held my Kenzie's hand and cried. I did both all day. I told how much I missed her and how I was waiting for her to come back. I told her about the accident. I told her that Erika is okay. I told her that today is August 22nd and that she has been away for 42 days. I told her I loved her and I cried some more. I told her she can't talk to me because she broke her jaw and it's wired shut.

I prayed out loud. I asked God to help her, heal her brain and bring her back to us. I told him that I'm selfish and I want my sister. He can't have her yet.

She squeezed my hand a few times. She moved her face a few times. She turned her head towards me.
I'm got a few videos of her moving when I was talking to her, but I'm not sure about sharing them yet.
Here are a bunch of Kenzie pictures! The first one is her new haircut, poor girl. The one after that is a picture of her from today. The rest are from the last 2 years or so. Pictures of us, just loving each other.

& a girlfriend picture cause I miss her. :)