Mandatory New Years Blog

Facebook timeline'd my wall so I decided to 'Timeline' my year.

January 14 - Started dating Starr
Febuary 26 - Kidney stone and an ovarian cyst ruptured
April 11 - Last day of work at Good Earth
April 13 - The last day I saw Kenzie before the accident
April 14 - Moved to Bismarck and signed the lease for our apartment
May 23 - Got a job at Sykes
July 4 - Walked with DakotaOutright in the parade
June 27 - Kidney infection
July 10 - Warped Tour
July 11 - The world stopped moving
August 1 - We got the results from the MRI and my heart was broken
August 15 - Kenzie got moved to Harbor View, we spent 10 days in Seattle
August 27 - Stayed in Billings for Momma Sarah's wedding
October 8 - The Lewistown community showed my family just how big their hearts really are
October 19 - Girlfriend's birthday and the day I got my new Kenzie tattoo
November 24 - Mom, Dad, Kiz and I dealt with our first holiday since the accident
December 25 - Who knew we could survive Christmas?

These are just the bigger things, it would take me hours and hours to do everything. Here is an excerpt from our Christmas letter, we wrote the lessons that we've learned:

Show your love often - Family is irreplaceable - On your days off, don't leave the house - Live with no regrets - Pick your battles - Wear your seat belt - Phone calls save lives - Sleep is a person's best friend - If you don't like someone, then quit them - Some people are more work than anything else - Being a grown up sucks - Listen to your parents, they really do know what they are talking about (sometimes) J - Wear sunscreen, reapply often - When you spend all day outside, you better drink water so your friends don't pass out from a heat stroke - Never take a working toilet for granted -Sometimes acting silly is the only way to get through the day - iPhones = lifelines - Deviled Eggs are cut lengthwise, not the short fat way - Facebooking in the shower is a lot easier than you would think - Laughter helps heal the heart - Love is work- If a couch doesn’t fit through the door, just bring it in through the balcony - The offer of a foot rub will probably get you your way - Don’t leave your car doors unlocked, except in Lewistown (things get stolen) - Dehydration does not stop tear production - A bag of pepperoni’s and a glass of milk is the best meal ever - Fish can be brats - If your neighbors are keeping you up late, just call the cops - Alone time is under-rated - Music can help soothe the soul - When your whole world is chaos but your relationship is perfect, it makes life that much more livable - Just watch Dr. Phil or Jerry Springer, and you will realize just how normal you really are - Being strong means getting help - Crying can help relieve all that built up junk inside you - All people can teach you a lesson, even the ones you don’t like, they teach you to be better - Growing up means finding yourself and learning who you really are - Soul searching can take a lot of time

I did a lot of growing this past year and I'm more aware of what/who is important to me. I got close to people I never would have thought would be good friends and I did quit some people not because they are bad people, but they are bad for me. The biggest lesson I've learned this year is that life is too short to be around people who suck. Don't be around people just cause. Be around people that are good for you and make you feel more yourself.

How Do You Deal With Your Crazy?

Starr and I had an awesome, deep, thought provoking conversation tonight on the drive home from work. We talked about how differently we each handle situations. Example:

Kayla: I'm my own worst enemy.
Starr: I'm my own best friend.

Kayla: When I'm having a breakdown, I need a babysitter.
Starr: When I'm having a breakdown, leave me the hell alone.

Kayla: I like to talk about my issues. Be it on Facebook, here or in person.
Starr: I keep my feelings bottled up inside.

Kayla: I trust everyone, instantly. Once that trust is broken, you won't get it back.
Starr: People have to earn my trust. Once you have it, it's hard to get back.

Kayla: Introvert who is very social.
Starr: Extrovert who is very isolated.

Now onto explain our madness...

Kayla: If left to my own devices, I will self destruct. I don't know why, it just happens. I go to extremes. I was left alone in Lewistown and I got drunk 4 out of 6 nights. I quit eating and I neglected my relationship. When it got the worst and I let my thoughts get the best of me I was contemplating suicide and I called Brook to come babysit me.

Communication is the most helpful coping skill for me. I rely on writing or talking to get my thoughts straight. I can usually work out whatever issue I'm having but I can not find a solution without letting it all out so I can see or hear it. My brain is a crazy, busy place to be. I love it when people write me talking about what a strong person I am because even if I can't see it... it feels great that other people perceive me that way.

I put my story, feelings and thoughts out there for everyone to see. I don't hold much back. I let my heart rest in their hands. I trust them to be respectful and compassionate with it. Sometimes it gets broken, but then its just a lesson learned. I remove them from my life and its over. It might take me a while, but I get over it.

Introvert who is very social. Weird sentence, right? I hate being around people that I am not 100% comfortable with. I would rather just lock myself in my apartment. If I'm home, its a different story. I would be around the people I love 24/7 if I could. There is no better feeling in the world to me than being content and happy with the people who love you and you love in return.

Starr: Kayla and I are complete opposites when it comes to coping. I mostly rely on myself, I stuff my feelings, and I expect to bring myself out of whatever slump I happen to be in. I have been through a lot in my 22 years of life, and one thing that I learned is that all I have is me. I have survived through a lot knowing that the world does keep spinning, and that no matter what happens tomorrow is probably going to come. The sun rises and the sun sets; time keeps ticking no matter how much we wish it would stop. 

When something goes wrong, my first reaction is to look inward. I want to be left alone and I want to think things through myself before I talk to anyone else. I am a realist, I am a very logical person, and things need to make sense to me. I have to find the answer to the question; I think that everything happens for a reason and I have to know the why behind things. This often causes a lot of problems, because as everyone knows, there are not always answers to everything that happens. 

Having this mind set leads me to worry a lot. I have anxiety and I over think everything. This is my main coping mechanism. Every second of every day my mind is full of thoughts, but I keep most of them to myself, and I don’t know what I would do without my thoughts. 

I am my own best friend because I love to be alone. I am the only person that I know that has always been there, hasn’t let me down, and has not hurt me, besides my parents. I learned at a very young age that if I wanted something to happen, I had to work toward it myself, and I couldn’t expect anything out of other people. I am very confident in myself, and I only have expectations for me. I learned to not expect things from other people because them you can’t get hurt. 

I don’t trust very easily, but if someone earns my trust, and I have invested myself in a friendship/relationship, it is really hard for me to let that go. I am always joking around and not very many people know the “real” me, and I use my sense of humor as a coping skill. I have pretty high walls, but once someone get past those walls, I have a hard time shutting them out again. I am an extrovert that is isolated because, I am a very outgoing person, and I will talk to anyone. I love spending time with other people, but there are only a select few that I open up to and are 100% myself around. 

Overall, I cope by relying on myself and no one else,  thinking logical about the situation, and knowing that after I have self analyzed everything the people I need to talk to are right there waiting. I also always remember that no matter what happens the world keeps spinning.

Ignorant Assholes

The Billings Gazette did a story on my cousin Katie and the fundraisers she has planned. Here's the link.

A few people chose to be huge assholes and critize my family for letting Kenzie live. Our bad right? Wrong. Fuck them. I wanted to get mean and nasty and fuck their shit up but... in order to have my comments approved I was civil. My comment hasn't been approved yet, but I decided to post it here:

Ignorant comments by ignorant people are causing my family unnecessary pain. Do you think we made the decision lightly? By the way, I'm Kayla, Kenzie's big sister. Did you know that when I say her name she smiles at me? Or when she hears my voice, she turns her head at looks at me? Did you consider that maybe you don't know everything? This is America and you can say what you want but there is a time and there is a place. This is about my cousin, Katie, doing an awesome thing and having a huge heart. She has gone above and beyond since 7/11/11; the day my world stopped spinning. Kenzie might not ever have an independent life, but guess what? You don't need an independent life to be happy and feel love. There are handicapped people everyday that can love and laugh and feel happiness. People who have lost someone would kill for the chance to save them. Guess what? We got that second chance. She might not be able to talk but she can smile and she can feel love. I know because I see her and spend time with her. Just this morning I got a message from one of the nurses that works with Kenzie and she told me that she is so impressed with the progress my little sister has made. Just because she doesn't have the same life as she did before doesn't mean she doesn't deserve any life at all. Think what you want, but do not ostracize my family for the decisions that we have made in order to be together. Think before you say things, while you get to walk away from your computer and go on with your life, this is a decision we will have to live with every day for the rest of our lives. But at least we don't have to live with the 'what if' of it all.

Beat That's Super Bumpin'

I found Kenzie's iPod when I was in our Lewistown house. It's a 2nd generation silver iPod nano. It has 2 playlists on it- bumpin songs and sister songs. We drove everywhere, we would go down a dirt road just to see where it ended. We would get lost on purpose. We drove too fast with our music too loud and singing at the top of our lungs. Our favorites were Lil' Wayne, Kenny Chesney, Tim McGraw, Garth Brooks, Jason Aldean, Cali Swag District and Luke Bryan. I bet we could we could out rap any other white girls in Montana, the more offensive the lyrics, the better. (We can rap "You Need That" by Cali Swag District from memory. I suggest you look it up. You will be offended.)

Music is one of those things that heals and hurts. Every song has a memory and it takes you back. Sometimes that is a good thing, but usually it's at an inconvient time or place. It's why I cry when I drive and why I have learned to tune out background noise.

There are songs I have to avoid and songs that I save for when I'm alone like:

"You're Gonna Miss This" Trace Adkins
"Who'd You Be Today" Kenny Chesney
"What Hurts The Most" Rascal Flatts

The sister playlist includes:

"All For You" Sister Hazel
"She Loved Me" Jason Aldean
"You Need That" Cali Swag District
"Jane Fonda" Mickey Avalon
"Get Crazy" LMFAO
"Oh Bo" Bo Burnham
"My Sister, My Friend" Reba
"Little Miss" Sugarland
"Fuckin Perfect" Pink
"John Wall" Troop 41
"One More Day" Diamond Rio
"Drop The World" Lil Wayne and Eminem
"Santa Clause" Lil Wayne
"Teach Me How To Jerk" Audio Push
"Jerk Talk" Cali Swag District
"Whisper In Ya Ear" Cali Swag District
"My Best Friend" Tim McGraw
"She's Country" Jason Aldean

P.S. I love Timeline on Facebook. I changed Kenzie's wall to it and it's easier to creep. (You're welcome and I'm sorry, Katie) I found this wall post from Kenzie on January 31st, 2011:

"please come back and sing you need that with me. in your car, when we alternateparts that talk about our lives :) and also without any help from the song cause we are just that good! you need that, you need that, you need, you need that."

Christmas Eve

Last Christmas Eve was crazy, everyone was crabby. So Kenzie and I ran away from the world. We drove up to the turnaround and watched the sunset and stayed til way past dark, just listening to music and laughing. Here are all the pictures we took that day:

When Does it Stop

Everyone has a best friend, one of those lifelong-it-doesn't-matter-what-you-do-I'll-always-love-you-people. It's the person you thought about when you read that. My person, was obviously Kenzie. It's just a tough a pill to swallow when you realize that you've already found and lost that person. The one person who knows and loves you the most in life. Every time I go to Great Falls I restart my grieving process. I am expecting to see Kenzie and I see what's left of her... It's one of those nights where I'm tired of being alive.

Safe Haven

Being in Lewistown is bittersweet. It was my home for 19 years but now when I visit I see all the places Kenzie and I would go and those memories leave me feeling broken and empty. We covered so much ground that no matter where I go... it's gonna hurt.

I've stayed at the Lewistown house for a few nights and it feels haunted. I replay all the memories that were here. I look at the kitchen and I see her looking in the fridge and being pissed that we didn't have anything she wanted. I look at the living room and I see her sitting on the arm of the couch, giggling and singing along to whatever is playing on iTunes.

It's weird sitting here and it being so quiet. If this was a year ago Dad would be in his chair watching TV while mom is talking to Sandra on the phone in the bedroom and Kenzie and I would be begging to drive the loop. (They always told us yes as long as we fed the horses.) There would be dogs and cats everywhere, doors slamming, washer and dryer running. But today it's just me.

When I come home I spend a lot of time at the Zibells'. I call it my safe haven. They don't ask me stupid questions about Kenzie. They let me cry, laugh or anything in between. I don't have to pretend or be polite. Real people are hard to find and every one of them is amazing. That family saves me from myself when I'm here.

Dream

I dreamt about Kenzie last night. Mom, Kenzie and I were in Cut Bank and we were walking down to the park. Kenzie looked fine, beautiful even. She had her long brown hair and her bangs were braided to the side. She was wearing shorts and ballet flats. We were all hanging out and laughing and we had to keep stopping so Mom could stop and talk to everyone.

Then things got a little weird, no one was talking to Kenzie except Mom and I. No one could see her. She was so heartbroken. She just kept saying "I'm real, I'm real!" We could see her and talk laugh with her and touch her but no one else could. I haven't woken up crying this hard in a long time.

You Are Who You Surround Yourself With

Friends are one of the only things in life that you get to choose. You don't get to choose your family, your classmates or your coworkers. If you complain about your friends then that is your own fault. You let those people be in your life. You picked them. No one is making you hang out with them and no one is making you talk to them. If you don't have the balls to call someone out on their shit or to just stop hanging out/talking to them then you are the one making your life miserable and there is no one to blame but yourself. You don't have to be an asshole about it, you can still be nice to someone and not be their friend.

Personally, if I don't like you, I'm not gonna hang out with you. I'm not gonna tell you personal information. I will be nice and I will make small talk. I will not hang out with you just to pacify you. I will just keep saying no.

That's why my friends are so awesome. They are the ones that have stuck around and dealt with my moody ass and have proven themselves over and over. Rockstars. :) If you fuck me over I'll give you another chance. But the second time is a different story. My Lewistown friends have a special place in my heart. You know everything about them and they know everything about you. I love them and you let the people you love have more chances. :)

This Broken Heart Won't Heal

It's been a long, tough day. I've been on the verge of a breakdown for the past two days but every time I start to lose control and get choked up it's inappropriate. Examples: talking to a customer at work, in the middle of a conversation with an acquaintance, or with a living room full of friends. Her smile or laugh pops in my head and I just lose control. I can't breathe, it gets really hot, my nose starts dripping and the tears come down. On the plus side I've learned that the bathroom is the safest place to cry at work and Momma's ridiculous text messages can usually keep me distracted til the feeling passes.

Tomorrow is 5 months. That's more than any girl should go without hearing her sister's voice. Everyday I miss her more. I can't look at pictures anymore. Her smile breaks my heart.   

 "Pain of the mind is worse than pain of the body." Give me a broken bone over a broken any day. 

Grown Ups Are Rockstars

I was so ready to grow up when I was in high school. I moved 2 days after I turned 18, but I moved in with Sandra and Perry. So I didn't really accomplish much growing up. Now that Starr and I have our own place I really appreciate and admire my parents. There are just 2 of us in this house and running a household is hard!

When I was little I didn't realize how much my parents did for me. I miss it all! They cooked, cleaned, payed bills, bought us furniture, took me places and now I have to do all that myself and sucks, a lot.

Electricity, rent, cell phones, cable, Internet... Who knew you had to pay for all that! They should warn you about this shit. We had to sleep on an air mattress for a month, until we could find an affordable bed. We went without internet and tv for 2 months. I didnt know you could live without TV. Starr and I have lived here for 8 months and we are just getting the hang of it. It's almost impossible to keep up on laundry, keep a clean house and hold down a full-time job. Moral of the story: parents rock and do a lot more work then just their 40 hours.

And this is from Starr's blog, which you should all check out:

I have started to realize that my life is changing. I am growing up. I am at that age where I have had life pretty easy up till now. I have always had a job; from babysitting, to getting my first real job, then the next and next and next and next. Although I have always worked, I don’t think I really ever appreciated money. I have alway made money but I have spent it on stupid things like food, movies, electronics, or clothes I don’t need. Not only that, but I have started to realize that I have always taken granted the simple things like a house over my head, a car, gas money, clothes, and hygiene items. Lately, I have really been realizing how important the simple things in life are and how hard being an adult actually is. Making hard decisions, spending your money on things you wish you didn’t have to, watching what you spend and how you spend it, sacrificing things you used to do; although these are all hard things to adapt to, I am glad I am learning these lessons sooner than later.

If It Happens All the Time, It's a Personality, Not a 'Bad Mood'

2011 was a hard year for a lot of people. It seems that people everywhere are suffering and going through some sort of struggle. Maybe everyone has always been dealing with some sort of issue and I'm just realizing it.

The higher power up there doesn't seem like it wants people to get too comfortable or for life to be too easy. Life is always going to have some sort of hurdle to jump. It's always going to be hard, but people have to decide how to deal with it.

It's frustrating when someone is continually talking about how bad they have it or how much they have to deal with and they don't do anything about it. They expect the problem to fix itself and while they just sit there and cry. Guess what? Life doesn't work like that. Those complainers on Facebook get deleted. They don’t get to be part of my life. Put your big girl panties on people. Drowning in your sadness isn’t going to help with anything, so why do it?

I used to be like that. I used to feel sorry for myself. But I'm lucky enough to have strong, independent people to look up to (ex. Dad, Starr). They are the ones that showed and told me how to deal with all of those challenges that get throw my way. When I need to cry or break down, I go to another room and cry, then wipe the makeup off of my face and get on with my day. I admire those that taught me such a valuable life lesson.

I Suck

I still get quite a few messages from people. Most of them are really nice, awesome people that say that they look up to me or they are proud to know me and I love getting them! But I'm not perfect, ha, not even close. I'm just lucky that the positive things about me are what gets put out for everyone to see. No one calls me out on my shit and I'm pretty good at keeping my drama to myself, at least publicly. If you're one of my close friends you know that I send really long pissed off emails. Sometimes I'm an asshole, I get mad over stupid things and I'm really judgemental. I'm fickle. If I'm hungry or tired I get really grumpy. I leave all the cupboards open and cry for no reason. I'm selfish and needy. I hold grudges and I talk too loud.

Sometimes I get scared that if all these people that have reached out to me actually got to know the real me that they would pull away, because I do have a lot of flaws. I probably have more bad traits then good ones.

Any relationship with me is a roller coaster. When I'm depressed I pull away and keep to myself, when I'm medicated I reach out and try my hardest to be there for my loved ones. I initiate conversations and I'll do whatever I can for you. When I'm okay with where I'm at, I talk about my feelings; when I'm in a dark spot I don't share anything and I don't put in any effort at all.

With me it's one of those "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" situations.

Just My Opinion

College stunts your emotional growth. 18-23 year olds who have adult rights and can make adult choices but they don't have to live adult lives, they can live on campus, work a few hours a week, they don't have to pay bills or have responsibility. The people I know that didn't go to school or dropped out of school are more successful in my eyes. They have to grow up, get jobs, move out and take care of themselves. You let go of the petty shit when you are actually living life.

I'm not saying all college kids are like this, a lot of them aren't. But some of the ones I have encountered are. Don't get me wrong, a college education is a great thing to have, I just think that the way we do it in our society isn't great.

It's awesome to be a kid. It's cool to not have responsibilities, but if you're going to act like a child don't expect anyone to treat you like an adult.

There Ain't Nothing Like a Memory

Every time I see her picture, every time I go to Great Falls, every time I talk to my parents I am reminded of everything that I've lost.

I can get through most days. I just avoid thinking and try to detach my emotions, I don't talk about how I feel. But the more I don't talk the bigger the feeling gets. I'm constantly on the verge of a breakdown. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, I can be driving, working or watching TV and if her smile or voice or a memory pops in my head I instantly feel empty. My heart sinks and devastation takes over. Any motivation I may have had that day is gone. It's gotten harder to keep myself together, time hasn't solved anything.

Pictures are the worst. I see her being so happy, so herself. It takes me back to the moment and then when I hit reality, I'm lost. I don't know what to do without her.

I've Been Sucking

I have so much to write about! I am home in Bismarck and I need to write about my trip to Great Falls but it's going to be a sad one and I have been trying so hard to not have a breakdown. I ran out of meds so this past week has been rough. I'm back on now but they take time. Starr and I are also getting a roommate or three but that's another story for another time!

Thanksgiving Day!

Today, I told Kenzie that I get to do whatever I want to her until she tells me otherwise, my parents of course said "No, only we get to do it because we are her guardians." to which I responded "Fine, I'll adopt her. Kenz, you want me to be your mom?" She opened her eyes and lifted up her arm! So Kenzie wants me to adopt her, she'll come kick it on our couch in Bismarck. We'll bring her in through the balcony!

We got to take her to Jack and Fern's in Sun River for Thanksgiving. It was great! Our family is so thankful for Nancy and Mike Moline! It was the most perfect day we could have hoped for.

Since Wednesday I have traveled about 600 miles. I stayed 2 nights with Starr and her family in Lewistown and I got see the Zibells and Twyla. Now I'm in Great Falls hanging out with the family and Sandra and Sierra. I am going to share of the pictures of our day, but since I'm on my phone I won't be able to attach the video I got of Kenzie smiling today, so feel free to add me on Facebook because I do have it posted there! The following are some pictures of the cats we got to play with, Kenzie's buddy Spook, the camper my parents live in, Kenzie in Jack and Fern's house and her in her lift.

Gotta Love Love

My girlfriend tag-teamed this one with me. Here is her personal blog - http://starrbrown.tumblr.com/
A lot has happened in the past two days, a couple very dear to my heart is going through a rough time. I haven't ever had two of my friends break up before, at least not where I was equally loyal to both parties. It's a tough situation. It all happened very quickly and was unexpected. My heart breaks for them. It was a long night and it's been a quiet day. No solution, we are just waiting for them to decide what is best for their relationship and themselves.

I find myself looking at my own relationship and holding too tightly. I am looking for all of the possible holes and trying to fill them. My world has been shaken. It's going to effect everyone that loves them. When things like this happens it makes you look inside of yourself and second guess everything that you and your partner have been through.

Everyone thinks that their own relationship is invincible. I know I did, you think "That can't happen to me, my partner and I are better then that because..." But you aren't. It can happen to anyone, nothing is permanent. Love is a privilege, it's something that you have to work at each and every day. If anything, I think that the further you get into a relationship the more work it is, it isn't new and exciting anymore and the 'glamour' is gone. I know that keeping the line between passion and comfort is something that we as a couple have struggled with. Especially with same sex relationships, it's hard to balance between best friend  and girlfriend because there is such a strong emotional connection.

Think of it like you are madly in love with your very best friend of same sex. In a heterosexual relationship, the connection that you have with your best friend is different with the one that you have with your partner. I know that in a lot of relationships you often become best friends with your significant other but you still have a different relationship with your friends. Take the relationship you have with your friends and add attraction, romantic love and passion. The boundaries that you have with your man and friends are very different and defined. In same sex relationships those lines don't exist; that makes it that much harder to know what needs in the relationship need to be met.

Often in female couples you stop being lovers; it becomes strictly a friend relationship when the passion is gone. When this happens the people still love each other but it's difficult to differentiate between loving someone and being in love.  After seeing your friends struggle you realize that being in love is something you have to work at everyday. You can't just expect to it to be rainbows and butterflies.

Somedays I'm a Brat, Today is One of Those Days

Everyday this week has been a Monday in my world. But... I got all 40 hours in so now I have a whole weekend off!

Things that normally wouldn't bother me that I hate this week:

People who only text me cause they want gossip
Facebook friends that keep spelling lose like loose
Kenzie's 'friends' have stopped going to see her
Fake ass people
My messy house
Stupid co-workers and even dumber customers
Christmas Cards
People who share unoriginal pictures on Facebook, that's what tumblr is for
My runny nose
Having a to-do list and no motivation
Pretending to be happy because people are getting sick of my shit
Family that hasn't been to see Kenzie even once
Being pissed off about the holidays
T2

I am so ready to go home to my family. I need to recharge. I need some sister time.

Thank you!

I should be doing this next week... but I'm going to be driving from Bismarck to Lewistown, Lewistown to Great Falls, Great Falls to Billings and then back to Bismarck. I'm going to write what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for Kenzie. I'm thankful for her life. I'm glad I got to spend all the time I did spend with her and I'm glad I got to experience the type of friendship and closeness that most people don't share with their sisters. I'm thankful to have all my memories of her, even if sometimes they are more painful then happy. I was lucky to have her in my life for 16 years. She means the world to me. I am thankful that she is still alive and making progress.

I'm thankful for my parents. I'm thankful for the love and daily sacrifice that they make for Kenzie. I'm glad we have an open relationship and that I am able to tell them anything. We have had a long year. Our relationship went up and down and everywhere in between. But we are still here and I'm thankful that we have had each other to lean on and I wouldn't be who I am today without their guidance and support these 19 years.

I'm thankful for Starr. I have experienced so many firsts with her, she has been there for everything. When I wake her up crying at 2 in the morning, she stays awake all night and talks to me until I have calmed down. She goes out of her way to do anything that will make my life easier, all while maintaining friendships, keeping her grades up, and working full time. I'm thankful for the connection that we have because a lot of people don't have that with their signicant others. I admire and love her with my whole heart.

I'm thankful for Katie. She lets me be petty and ridiculous and whiny and she always knows just what to say. She is one of those people you can tell anything to and you know it's safe with her. She is strong and doesn't hesitate to be vunerable. She is irreplaceable.

I'm thankful for Shelby. Every Thursday I wake up, eat breakfast and then call Shelby and we talk for hours. I don't have to pretend to be happy or nice or anything, it's awesome!

I'm thankful for Sandra and Perry. My other parents. They are there and always have the advice that I need. Their house is my other home and I wouldn't have it be any other way.

I'm thankful for my adoptive and extended family. That includes Ande, the kids, Jaime and Pres, Twyla, Connie, Erik, Grandma, Papa, Papa Hugh, Aunt Penny, Taylor, Joel, Madison, Rebecca, Lesley, Dana, Tricia, Amber, Wife, Naomi, Corrie and Nancy.

I'm thankful for my job. I work with some pretty ridiculous people and most of the customers are dumb as shit, but it pays my bills and I have met a few irreplaceble people that I hope to get to know even better.

I'm thankful for everyone that hurt me and acted like an idiot. Without that, I wouldn't realize just how great the people in my life are. I won't take the awesome people for granted because I know that there are people that just straight up suck. A lot of the those people apparently live or have lived in Bismarck, ND. They all made me stronger, now if someone treats me like shit I just quit them. If you get hurt over and over by the same people you learn to stop putting yourself out there.

I'm thankful for all of the love and support that my family has had these past four months. We wouldn't be where we are today without each and everyone of you.

123 days

It's been 4 months since the accident. That's 123 days so here are the top 123 things I remember about Kenzie.

freckles - fords - she always had my back - the ability to make anyone smile - under armour - dirt roads - mountains - cinch jeans - her ability to memorize a song after hearing it once - FFA - cowboy boots - blue mt dew - the loop - sour patch kids - telling everyone they can suck her dick - her laugh - chewing her gum like a cow - short shorts - muck boots - talking shit - her hands were either so cold they were purple or they were sweaty - pistol - jalapeno corn dogs - always hungry - lil wayne - j.b. mauney - facebook fights - inapproprite as hell - meth mondays - jane fonda - her shaking her shit, regardless of the music - being loud - jason aldean - crumping contests in the town pump parking lot - kate, cole & quin - spike - huge belt buckles - camoflauge - rocking out to bad romance - sharing bus seats even we were the only 2 on the bus - white tank tops - she was the only person who loved huckleberry as much as i do - i need a guarantee - just dance competitions with madison - mushy facebook posts - that damn spacer coming out of her mouth every time she ate dots - pictures - her punches, they hurt - you need that - always being mean to the cats - her perm - the way she loved her friends - her ugly feet - rockstar rims - biting her bottom lip as she hip checks you - a mane of brown hair - constantly texting - her feet smelled like asshole - her awful handwriting - fishin' in the dark - bobcats - narnia - daisy - PBR - manswers - chex mix - ginger - sunny ledford - gay kid school - winky faces freaked her out - cummins - the pasture - her hatred of carrie underwood - multiple chinned smiley faces :)))))) - making fun of me for crying - 8 seconds - getting lost on purpose - east fork - bonfires - holding hands - 1st & main - telling dad that 'we were on our way to bed' and then we would sit in the living room talking for another 2 hours - driving around in the mini van - getting in a fight and leaving her on the side of the road - brown eyes - she wasn't allowed to burp in my car - the bridge to terabithia - socks up to her knees - she hated reading - loved shrimp -  mac & cheese - the luv - flannel - our talks with mr. long - the most beautiful girl i've ever met - stubborn as hell - ruining all of mom's candles - smacking her lips when she sleeps - never back down - long, long legs - saints - her huge smile -  April 23rd - beer pong - UNC - best friend - texts from last night - sticking her head under the faucet to drink water - carhartt jeans - the way she could turn your day around - she watched freaky friday every night before bed for months - her being a puss, law and order would give her nightmares - her wisdom - her love of life - the way she was passionate about the things she loved - she's probably the hairiest girl ever - she didn't wear makeup until she was 15 - she hated every song i ever showed her, at least until she listened to it a few times - teaching her to drive my car - staying up late playing barbies - our easter mudslide - bike rides with sam - zurich - breaking her arm, and then breaking her cast - late nights in hotel rooms, where there was no sleep and lots of laughs.

I could go on and on. Everyone says "She's in your heart." But my heart doesn't talk back to me, my heart doesn't answer my phone calls, my heart doesn't have the words to make my day better. I want my sister back. 123 days is 123 days too long. The world is not the same without her. If anyone wants to dedicate their 11.11.11 wish to her, I think we'd be one step closer to that miracle we so desperately need.

Guest Blogger: Maaaaam

Kiz and I call our mom, Maaaaaam. We don't know why. It's just one of those things. My mom wrote today's blog.

Venting-
Things I miss:
my house and yard
my horses
my friends
not crying EVERYDAY
a washer and dryer

I guess I'm really angry right now, at everything. Why us? Why now? How do people go on? Why my kid? Why is all the paperwork repetitve? It takes two people at least to take care of Kenz daily, it is a lot of work and it is not easy. We are coming up on 4 months and it seems like a lifetime, our lives changed in a blink of an eye, just a split second. Kenz is hard to take care of, add that to a disabled husband, who is still waiting for SS/disability, he tries so hard and is in chronic pain. My best friend is in ND and I want her not to worry and enjoy that adventure. Then wanting to bring Kenz home, do we stay in our house or look for a new one? Try to go back to work? I miss the kids sooo much. I miss my kids, I could get a job here, but I could go back to Small Wonder and that would be the one normal thing left in my life. The following are pictures taken before the accident and after the accident, just a few of the memories that we have shared.