Home Is Not Where You Live, But Where They Understand You

It's been a while! I've been in Lewistown since the 3rd. Skeeter (my horse) hurt her leg real bad and we were afraid that she we would have to put her down, but she's a trooper and now she is starting with the healing process.

I miss Starr like crazy! Sleeping alone is tougher than I thought it would be.
Stitch is officially ours! Him and Maggie are two peas in a pod, they play all day everyday. He sleeps through the night now it's awesome! He's pretty cute, too.

Kenzie's respiratory therapist moved down her trach size so hopefully we are on moving right ahead on the long road to closing that sucker up. It is so great to see her every day, but sometimes I just miss her like crazy. It's hard to see pictures and be reminded of everything that's been lost.  

CNA classes are going pretty good. I like it a lot more than I thought I would! I have pictures and an awesome video that Angela made for the Kenzie fundraiser.

Click here to watch the video. Make sure you have Kleenex!

Mr. Stitch

Kelsi cut my hair!

The view out my front door.

First time holding Stitch

Momma and the ponies

Spring Creek

A fawn outside the hospital

Horses right outside the door

Maggs!

Best friends

Kenzie, Pal and Daisy

Momma and Maggie

Skeet

The Way

Right now, I'm sick and tired of everything. I want to vent and scream and cry and then talk it out.

I want to do all of that with my best friend. But she can't talk back to me.

She always has the words to make it right and I don't even have to say anything for her to know what's wrong. I miss her voice and her smell and the way she makes me feel. The way she would just talk and talk and talk when I called her. We could talk for hours and not run out of anything to say. I miss the way she would hold my hand whenever I wanted her to. She would even do it in public. The way she would dance when a song she liked came on, the way we would make eye contact when knew what the other person was thinking. I miss the way she would bite her bottom lip and grunt when she hip checked me. I miss all the cute Facebook notes she would leave me. I miss her threatening to kill anyone who made me sad. I miss the way she would yell 'Suck my dick!' at the top her lungs. I miss the butt wars we would have in the bathroom when we were getting ready for school in the morning. I miss her telling me that I was making her late, like always. I miss bothering her until she finally let me paint her nails.

I miss the way she smiled with her eyes, her laugh and her voice. I miss Kenzie. I miss my best friend. I miss my little sister.

Drown in Love and Memories

Tonight, I'm just sitting here crying and missing my sister.

I am so scared of forgetting.

I feel like without her, I am losing a part of myself. She would always make sure I didn't take myself too seriously and she always knew EXACTLY what my heart needed. She would have all the words to make it better. She knew what to say when I needed a laugh or something silly to talk about about. She knew when I needed to cry and she would tell me that she loves me and that she will always have my back. She was so good for my heart. I miss her laugh and our long phone calls and the random texts she would send me about Mr. Long, or Textsfromlastnight or Lil' Wayne song lyrics or something funny Dad said. I miss the pictures of trucks thats she loved or Pal or her being cute and telling me to pick which one she should put on Facebook. I miss the voicemails of her blasting 'Bad Romance' or 'You Need That'. I miss driving around drinking blue mountain dew and talking about nothing and everything and listening to our music too loud, saying we would go home after driving the loop just one last time. I miss her trying to drive my car and scaring the shit of me. I miss my sister.

It's hard to remember who you are when a part of your heart is missing.

"Stay Strong!"

At the beginning of this journey, we were praying for Kenzie to live. Everyday she was back and forth between critical and stable. Then she lived. Then we started waiting, then we kept waiting. 

Every single day our lives is a roller coaster. Somedays the doctors are hopeful, sometimes they say she won't ever wake up. Then she moves or acts like she knows we are there and our hearts soar! Just to have the doctor come in and tell us the best thing for her is to just let her die. 

It's so hard to keep hoping and have faith when you know that even if she comes back, it won't be MY Kenzie. Sometimes the doctors say that she will have no quality of life and absolutely no chance of an independent life. 

And then she moves finger when my parents ask her to... 

How are you supposed to take all that? It's such an emotional journey and when people say "stay strong" I wanna punch them in the face. If you were in my situation, (your little sister/best friend's life has been taken, but yet she is still alive) how would YOU take it. How in the world would you possibly be able to "stay strong"? Your entire life has been flipped upside down, you have to watch your parents' hearts break, Kenzie's friends hurting and your extended family crumbling. Every morning when I wake up I have to ask myself "How are you going to get yourself through the day?" and every night it's so easy to think "Wouldn't it be so simple to just not wake up?" but then I think of my parents and Starr and it's such a selfish thought. You have to deal with her life being over, the thought of her starting a new one and if it really is best for us to be keeping her here.

In my heart, I feel that Kenzie isn't ready to quit. She waited for the EMT's to get there before she stopped breathing and she hasn't quit since. Her heart hasn't skipped a beat. I think she will let us know when she's ready, and from what I see, she isn't even close.

My Kiz

This afternoon, I had a 3 hour breakdown. Because I am missing my sister.

I gave her so many names. Kenz, Kiz, Kizzy, MJ (I always got hit after saything that one) Sister, Ginger, Little Sister, Little Big Sister. That punk was always taller than me.

I miss her so much. My heart aches.

We played barbies til 2 in the morning. When Mom and Dad would go up town, we would close the curtains turn up the country music and we would dance! Last summer, every moment we got, we were on the gravel roads, not thinking, not feeling, just hanging out, music loud and we were singing along.

I miss her. I miss my sister. I miss my best friend. I miss our relationship. I miss the 2 hour phone calls in the middle of the night. I miss our inside jokes and the random texts that would make my day. I miss her calling me and saying 'Kayla, Facebook fight, back me up'. I miss her dancing in the living room with her little shorts and tank top on. I miss her voice. that laugh. that smile. I miss the days we wouldn't do our hair or makeup and we would spend the entire day at the pasture with mom doing chores. We would complain the entire day, even though we didn't have anything better to do. I'm a pretty touchy person and Kenzie would always hold my hand. She is absolutely, hands down, the greatest girl I've ever met. I miss her teasing, her loud voice, her personality. We would go to lunch together every single day. Going to lunch with Kenzie usually means going to town pump to get some corn dogs and a blue mt. dew. We were inserperable my last year at home and I knew Kenzie didn't want me to move. I'm so sorry I did.

When I'm at the hospital I feel devastated. When I'm away, I feel guilty. 

I'm fucking pissed. Everyone else gets to keep their sisters. I want mine. We are supposed to get old together. I want my sister back. It isn't fair of God to give her to me just long enough to love her. I can't even hear her voice in my dreams anymore. I want her to call me and tell me about this great truck she just saw. I want her to recognize me. I want her to know how much I love her.