Sisters Heal Your Heart

Kenzie's best friend Madison and her big sister Kayela came up for the barbecue. That's right, her Lewistown friends get too busy for her, but these girls drove a total of 14 hours for a two night visit. They were so helpful, they helped clean, do yard work and set up for the barbecue. We had a blast with them, we caught up, drank too much and laughed a lot.

Madison amazed me with the way she treated Kenzie. She treated her just like she was Kenzie. Always talking to her and touching her. Including her. Instead of talking about her, she talked to her. She made sure that she wasn't ever alone and continuously giving her shit. :)

Madison and Kayela made yesterday so much easier. The tearful goodbye today was hard, but that just means Kenz and I get to look forward to another visit. Thank you girls for everythingI love you!

One Year (Who Knew?)

Today it has been exactly a year since the accident.

Who knew you could live through a year without a smiley face text from your little sister?
Who knew you could make it a year without hearing someone's voice but still feel like your hearts sing that same song?
Who knew that you could feel so many emotions at once?
Who knew new music could come out and Kenzie wouldn't know the lyrics?
Who knew that your heart could shatter into a million pieces but you could keep living?
Who knew you could lose your better half and still remember how to breathe?
Who knew it would be weird to make it through a day without tears?
Who knew survival mode didn't include memory?
Who knew I'd still miss her so much?
Who knew everyday would actually get harder to keep going but easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel?
Who knew seeing a picture of that smile would take your breath away?
Who knew that I would regret ever telling her to be quiet?
Who knew you could cry from not seeing a daily Facebook status?
Who knew it took effort to continue living?
Who knew that saying "I love you" every time you have a conversation with someone could be so important?
Who knew it would be the last time?
Who knew when I wrote "One More Day :)" on Kenzie's Facebook, on July 11th, 2011, that no words would ever be more true?
Who knew your world could stop and everyone else would get to keep on living?
Who knew she'd forever stay 16 in my mind?
Who knew she wouldn't graduate high school?
Who knew it would be so lonely at night when the world went to sleep?
Who knew that sunny evening would turn into a living a hell?
Who knew everything would go dark without her smile?
Who knew one girl was so loved?
Who knew that so many would come to our rescue?
Who knew that strangers would comfort more than friends?
Who knew everything would change?
Who knew home wouldn't be home anymore?
Who knew life as we knew it was over?
Who knew every time you thought you were healed, the wound would open again and the emptiness would return?
Who knew every wish would be dedicated to healing that brain?
Who knew how bad this life needed that laugh?
Who knew a partner in crime would be important for quality of life?


I didn't know, but now I do.

Our Story: Mom and Dad's POV

Our world changed July 11, 2011, our youngest daughter was in a motor vehicle accident west of our hometown of Lewistown Montana. When the sheriff called we knew it was bad. We went to the hospital and saw Kenzie for a moment, the attending doctor told us she would needed to be airlifted to a trama center, two hours away. He met us in the waiting room and told us not to expect her to live through the helicopter ride. After frantic calls to family and friends we were on our way to the trauma center in Great Falls Montana. When we walked in the emergency room doors we were met by a pastor, he took us to a small room, where we waited for the team to give us any news. Kenz broke every bone in her face, severe laceration to the right side of her face, lacerations to her scalp, left femur was broke, collapsed right lung and her left thigh was "hamburger". Deep wounds covered her body from barbed wire. When the team briefed us they said she has a traumatic brain injury and she went through the barb wire fence. This was the beginning of a nightmare we would never wake up from.
We are very lucky to be surrounded by wonderful family and friends. Everyone jumped in right away to help. The social worker at the hospital was very helpful and arranged for a rv spot and our friends rallied and found us a camper to live in. The staff in ICU was awesome too. Friends in Lewistown set up an account at the credit union, for people to donate to. At this time we did not know how crucial that would be in Kenzie’s recovery. We were told we had three choices while she was in ICU, take her home, take her to a nursing home or take her to hospice. We decided we were taking her home, the road will be long and hard, but she is sixteen and science is a wonderful when paired with the support and dedication of strong family. When she was moved from ICU to the pediatric floor we started the transition to a nursing home until we could get our house in order for her. While during a routine cat scan they discovered that her catroided artery was smashed, this only could be repaired in Seattle Washington, again we were asked to make the decision, Randy flew to Seattle with Kenz and Kayla, my other daughter, and I took a commercial flight the next morning. We were expecting to stay three days and we were there ten. The surgeons there thought the swelling in her brain put her at more risk so they put a shunt in to drain the fluid, two shunts and an adjustment later, we headed back to Montana. Again, we started to prepare to bring her home. Our support group made sure our bills were paid and animals taken care of. This allowed both of us to be there for Kenzie. The process of bringing her home was long and we had alot of obstacles to over come. Our house had molded while we were gone as we had a flood in June and were not able to finish the clean up when the accident happened, the door way would be impossible to accommodate her equipment. We had such awesome support they helped us find acamper to live in while Kenz lived in an extended care center. We moved in September 14th and were able to move to a new house March 27th. I'm not sure where we would be without the support of so many. Thanks to the people donating, whether it was time, money, energy hope or a prayer, we have our beautiful child at home in an environment she can blossom in. All of you have touched us in a special way that will effect our family for years to come. Please buckle up, Randy and Soni Zarn

I'm Being Negative Nelly

I can honestly say that when I am done with this chapter of my life, it’s going to be closed, completely. I haven’t met one person that I can honestly say that I would like to still be friends with when I leave. These are the people I am leaving behind:

The College Girls—The ones that were so obsessed with what the others were doing that they couldn’t see that they were fucking up friendships. They were honestly the cattiest group of bitches I’ve ever met.

The I-Wanna-Have-Sex-With-You-and-Your-Girlfriend Friend—WTF. We started as work friends and became better friends, eventually hanging out 3-4 times a week. Then we became best friends and had an honest, laid-back friendship where we could talk about anything. Then came the weird text messages, talking about how we should all ‘be together.’ Then came the touching, at first it wasn’t weird, an arm around me at a drunken party, touching Starr’s foot, but then touching became rubbing and we couldn’t handle it. So we let him know and what do you know? He freaked the fuck out. We quit being friends.

The I-Liked-You-Til-You-Grew-Up Friends—We would party every weekend, stay up til 6AM, hide from cops in the attic, talk about butt stuff and get so drunk we would forget how to walk. Then Kenzie had her accident and they never called again.

The Bosses—They are running the business into the ground, the turn over rate is ridiculous, around 80 percent. But they don't start hiring until we are 30 people understaffed. We get between 6,000 and 4,000 calls a day, depending on what time of the month. With 7 closers, employees get burnt put real fast. They are ridiculous. I have to put my vacation requests in twice, sometimes three times. Because they are always ‘forgotten.’ I called in Thursday (5/17) because I was sick and because I was scheduled to be T2 I thought it would be approved. Supervisor said it couldn’t be approved because the workload was done, so I would have been T1 (even though I was scheduled to be T2), so it went against my attendance. Thursday, (5/24) we didn’t have any escalations to be done and we had a pretty large queue, we didn’t even come close to meeting service level with a 20%, but yet co-worker got an approved early out. I talked to Manager about it, but she ignored me. I resigned from my T2 spot.

I know Lewistown is no paradise, but at least I won't be in a town I hate, at a job I hate, surrounded by people I hate.

To end this on a positive note:

-I passed my CNA test with a 92%.

-We are having a July 11th barbecue to celebrate being alive after the year we've had. It's at the new house, everyone bring their own chair and drinks! We'll have a fire and spend the night surrounded by good people. Let me know if you'd like to come or help out! It'll be the first time in 11 months that my parents, Kenzie, Starr and I are all in the same place.

-Stitch is growing like crazy! He's huuuge!

Sucking It Up

I'm back in Bismarck. It's hard to be here when I feel like I'm just waiting to go home and start my life. We've decided to sell everything (bed, dressers, TVs) and only bring back our clothes and dishes. I'm glad! It gives me a purpose while I'm here. So I'm on mission: Throw All The Shit Away!

I'm back at work now too and I forgot just how much I hate it here. (By here, I mean work.) The managers aren't proactive, so they can't see a problem until it is right in their face. Like waiting til we are understaffed by 30 people to start hiring. It's just frustrating watching people shoot themselves in the foot. I used to care a lot about my job and the people I worked with. But now I could care less. I don't try, I'm over it. It's basically one of those you-screwed-me-over-but-now-it's-my-turn kind of deals.

It is, however, good to be back with Starr. I didn't know how much I missed her until I saw her again. It felt good to sleep in the same bed. Sleeping alone is awful!

Surprise!

I've been working on a surprise for Starr for three weeks. I re-did our bedroom! I'm so glad it's finally done!

Before:

During:

This is where I got all my color ideas from:

It says: In our best moments, we understand that our vulnerabilities are what connect us, that we can step into the power that is uniquely ours, play hard, love bravely, offer comfort to our younger, broken selves, and soar, always soar on the brightness of being alive.

After:







Home Is Not Where You Live, But Where They Understand You

It's been a while! I've been in Lewistown since the 3rd. Skeeter (my horse) hurt her leg real bad and we were afraid that she we would have to put her down, but she's a trooper and now she is starting with the healing process.

I miss Starr like crazy! Sleeping alone is tougher than I thought it would be.
Stitch is officially ours! Him and Maggie are two peas in a pod, they play all day everyday. He sleeps through the night now it's awesome! He's pretty cute, too.

Kenzie's respiratory therapist moved down her trach size so hopefully we are on moving right ahead on the long road to closing that sucker up. It is so great to see her every day, but sometimes I just miss her like crazy. It's hard to see pictures and be reminded of everything that's been lost.  

CNA classes are going pretty good. I like it a lot more than I thought I would! I have pictures and an awesome video that Angela made for the Kenzie fundraiser.

Click here to watch the video. Make sure you have Kleenex!

Mr. Stitch

Kelsi cut my hair!

The view out my front door.

First time holding Stitch

Momma and the ponies

Spring Creek

A fawn outside the hospital

Horses right outside the door

Maggs!

Best friends

Kenzie, Pal and Daisy

Momma and Maggie

Skeet