An Example for Everyone

C was Kenzie's best friend. They got along great but always denied they were more then friends. A year ago (give or take a few days) C got in an accident. He was drinking and driving. After Kenzie found out she was heart broken. I was in Billings, so the most I could do was stay up all night with her on the phone. She cried for days and days. Mom, Dad and I were helpless. I've never seen my sister more broken. She had a tough few weeks after that, a lot of people (including C) blamed her for the accident, even though she tried to take his keys and she wasn't drinking at all. She had bruises on her hands from him prying the keys away from her. After that, she hated going to school because she felt so alone. I admired her for being able to stand up for herself, even if she was the minority. Looking back, I am envious of her ability to not blame God, to actually put her faith in him. She had strength and she knew exactly what she stood for. Not everyone can say that their little sister inspires them to be a better person, but I'm proud to say that I can.

648 NE Washington

My parents are moving this weekend. It's really bittersweet. We moved into our house when I was 4 and Kenzie was exactly a year. April, 1996. I remember the Easter Sunday when my dad accidentally hooked the hot water up to the hose and Kenzie, Sam and I made our own swimming pool by digging a whole in the middle of the yard and jumping in with all of our clothes. I remember building a mattress slide in the basement. I remember hours and hours of playing Barbies until we couldn't keep our eyes open anymore. I remember being obsessed with Rob Zombie because his single 'Dragula' was on the snowmobiling game on our playstation. I remember spending one New Year's Eve standing in the kitchen with Mom and Kenzie, eating cookie dough and sharing a Diet Coke. I remember sitting in the living room watching Jonas Brothers video for an entire summer. I remember Kenzie breaking her arm after falling off of the trampoline on the very last day of school before summer break. I remember watching our parents pull down our tree house in the backyard. I remember fighting about who was gonna pick up dog poop. I remember giggling into all hours of the night. I remember waking up at 5 in the morning so Kenzie could curl my hair before school. I remember setting up a makeshift agility course for the dogs. I remember hauling the big stereo outside so we'd have music while we did yard work. I remember painting the house every weekend one fall. I remember Kenzie wrote on EVERYTHING in her room. I remember remodeling the basement and then our rooms were right next to each other. I remember Kenzie always breaking the sliding door that we connected our rooms with. I remember Kenzie, Madison and I watching Jerry Springer and ordering Pizza Hut. I remember memorizing the "Date Song" at the end of Disaster Movie and rewinding it over and over. I remember playing Lion King with Pal and Daisy. I remember what a pain in the ass it was when the basement flooded. I remember going through each other's closets and Mom's jewlery box. I could go and on. But I'm at work and crying at work is frowned upon.
 
Those memories are bittersweet and moving will be tough. But I'm ready to have my sister home and to make new memories with her in the new house.

Writer's Block

I have just not been myself lately. For the past three weeks I've working about 50-55 hours per week, so I've slept and read a lot. I haven't talked many people, including my parents.

I love to write. I feel connected to myself when I write. I feel like I have to write to live. And if I haven't been writing then I've just been existing.

If you have any ideas at all, let me know!

Valentine's Day

Matching tattoos. Holy shit, right?

I know that a lot of people are probably freaking out right now. But when something big happens in my life, I get a tattoo. My body is my story. I got my horseshoes in memory of my Grandma Mona. (Mom, Aunt Sandra and I all have matching ones. I got my lady bug and nickname done for my 16th birthday. I got my collar bone done when I moved out of Lewistown. I got my sister tattoo for my Kenzie. In October I got a tattoo in rememberance of the accident. Today I got one representing my love and relationship. It's the infinity symbol, meaning we are forever connected.

YES!

WE GOT THE HOUSE!

My parents put on offer on a house right across the street from the pasture where we keep our horses. The offer was accepted and it closes in 30 days! My parents just have to wait for Medicaid to make it Kenzie accessible and then they get to start moving!

The house has an apartment in the basement and so when November rolls around, Starr and I will be moving in with them! My heart is soaring!

My Sister: The Rockstar

Kenzie has been moving her head and body more lately, her grip is getting stronger and she's actually made so much progress that she is getting her speech therapist back. When my parents plug her trach, she makes quite a bit of noise. The doctor has talked about getting a 'talking trach' put on her. It may not seem like a lot of progress to people on the outside, but her 'tricks' have renewed hope and showed us a little bit of light at the end of that tunnel. Thank you for the prayers, they seem to be working.

Numb

I've gotten into the habit of a routine. I've been withdrawn and reclusive. I feel numb, which would seem a lot better than hurting but I'd rather feel something. I've started reading a lot more and I've stayed mostly offline. I didn't talk to my parents or any friends for about a week. I'm mostly writing today just because I need to stay in the habit of writing. I know its good for me, even if I'm not feeling it.

New things in my life:
-Kenzie's been doing some pretty cool tricks.
-I'm adding another tattoo to my arm this month, it's slowly becoming a sleeve.
-My Ambien makes me have some pretty crazy hallucinations.
-My life is boring as hell. I just eat and watch Dr. Phil, I need some change.
-I'm switching to weekends off in 10 days.
-I'm reading the Hunger Games series, I'm really not as impressed with them as most people seem to be.
-I've been a sucky friend.
-I wish everyone had a blog so I could see inside their heads.

Here are some pictures of my daily life! They include a love note from Girlfriend, a pie she made, our cute faces and Kenzie: