One Year (Who Knew?)

Today it has been exactly a year since the accident.

Who knew you could live through a year without a smiley face text from your little sister?
Who knew you could make it a year without hearing someone's voice but still feel like your hearts sing that same song?
Who knew that you could feel so many emotions at once?
Who knew new music could come out and Kenzie wouldn't know the lyrics?
Who knew that your heart could shatter into a million pieces but you could keep living?
Who knew you could lose your better half and still remember how to breathe?
Who knew it would be weird to make it through a day without tears?
Who knew survival mode didn't include memory?
Who knew I'd still miss her so much?
Who knew everyday would actually get harder to keep going but easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel?
Who knew seeing a picture of that smile would take your breath away?
Who knew that I would regret ever telling her to be quiet?
Who knew you could cry from not seeing a daily Facebook status?
Who knew it took effort to continue living?
Who knew that saying "I love you" every time you have a conversation with someone could be so important?
Who knew it would be the last time?
Who knew when I wrote "One More Day :)" on Kenzie's Facebook, on July 11th, 2011, that no words would ever be more true?
Who knew your world could stop and everyone else would get to keep on living?
Who knew she'd forever stay 16 in my mind?
Who knew she wouldn't graduate high school?
Who knew it would be so lonely at night when the world went to sleep?
Who knew that sunny evening would turn into a living a hell?
Who knew everything would go dark without her smile?
Who knew one girl was so loved?
Who knew that so many would come to our rescue?
Who knew that strangers would comfort more than friends?
Who knew everything would change?
Who knew home wouldn't be home anymore?
Who knew life as we knew it was over?
Who knew every time you thought you were healed, the wound would open again and the emptiness would return?
Who knew every wish would be dedicated to healing that brain?
Who knew how bad this life needed that laugh?
Who knew a partner in crime would be important for quality of life?


I didn't know, but now I do.

1-11-12

6 months.
184 days.

That's what Kenzie missed. That's how long it been since anyone has heard her laugh or voice. I miss that the most.

I get angry at the world for not feeling the impact of what they lost. There will never be anyone like her. I get angry at people who can be happy. I'm always sad. Even when I'm happy, I'm just less sad.

There is a constant hurt inside of me. If I let myself think about all of our memories it physically hurts.

Late at night when it's just me awake, I get the urge to call or text her. Just like always. Then I realize she won't answer and I feel so alone. All I want I is her.

It hasn't gotten any easier. The hurt hasn't lessened. I just learned that everyday is going to hurt. Some days hurt more than others. Today is one of those days.

123 days

It's been 4 months since the accident. That's 123 days so here are the top 123 things I remember about Kenzie.

freckles - fords - she always had my back - the ability to make anyone smile - under armour - dirt roads - mountains - cinch jeans - her ability to memorize a song after hearing it once - FFA - cowboy boots - blue mt dew - the loop - sour patch kids - telling everyone they can suck her dick - her laugh - chewing her gum like a cow - short shorts - muck boots - talking shit - her hands were either so cold they were purple or they were sweaty - pistol - jalapeno corn dogs - always hungry - lil wayne - j.b. mauney - facebook fights - inapproprite as hell - meth mondays - jane fonda - her shaking her shit, regardless of the music - being loud - jason aldean - crumping contests in the town pump parking lot - kate, cole & quin - spike - huge belt buckles - camoflauge - rocking out to bad romance - sharing bus seats even we were the only 2 on the bus - white tank tops - she was the only person who loved huckleberry as much as i do - i need a guarantee - just dance competitions with madison - mushy facebook posts - that damn spacer coming out of her mouth every time she ate dots - pictures - her punches, they hurt - you need that - always being mean to the cats - her perm - the way she loved her friends - her ugly feet - rockstar rims - biting her bottom lip as she hip checks you - a mane of brown hair - constantly texting - her feet smelled like asshole - her awful handwriting - fishin' in the dark - bobcats - narnia - daisy - PBR - manswers - chex mix - ginger - sunny ledford - gay kid school - winky faces freaked her out - cummins - the pasture - her hatred of carrie underwood - multiple chinned smiley faces :)))))) - making fun of me for crying - 8 seconds - getting lost on purpose - east fork - bonfires - holding hands - 1st & main - telling dad that 'we were on our way to bed' and then we would sit in the living room talking for another 2 hours - driving around in the mini van - getting in a fight and leaving her on the side of the road - brown eyes - she wasn't allowed to burp in my car - the bridge to terabithia - socks up to her knees - she hated reading - loved shrimp -  mac & cheese - the luv - flannel - our talks with mr. long - the most beautiful girl i've ever met - stubborn as hell - ruining all of mom's candles - smacking her lips when she sleeps - never back down - long, long legs - saints - her huge smile -  April 23rd - beer pong - UNC - best friend - texts from last night - sticking her head under the faucet to drink water - carhartt jeans - the way she could turn your day around - she watched freaky friday every night before bed for months - her being a puss, law and order would give her nightmares - her wisdom - her love of life - the way she was passionate about the things she loved - she's probably the hairiest girl ever - she didn't wear makeup until she was 15 - she hated every song i ever showed her, at least until she listened to it a few times - teaching her to drive my car - staying up late playing barbies - our easter mudslide - bike rides with sam - zurich - breaking her arm, and then breaking her cast - late nights in hotel rooms, where there was no sleep and lots of laughs.

I could go on and on. Everyone says "She's in your heart." But my heart doesn't talk back to me, my heart doesn't answer my phone calls, my heart doesn't have the words to make my day better. I want my sister back. 123 days is 123 days too long. The world is not the same without her. If anyone wants to dedicate their 11.11.11 wish to her, I think we'd be one step closer to that miracle we so desperately need.

God's a Dick

I'm tired of living in a world without Kenzie's laugh. I'm tired of having to keep my mind busy all the time. The only time I can't keep my mind is busy is when I'm driving. So I cry to and from work. I want everyone's heart to be full again. Missing her hasn't gotten any easier.