Today it has been exactly a year since the accident.
Who knew you could live through a year without a smiley face text from your little sister?
Who knew you could make it a year without hearing someone's voice but still feel like your hearts sing that same song?
Who knew that you could feel so many emotions at once?
Who knew new music could come out and Kenzie wouldn't know the lyrics?
Who knew that your heart could shatter into a million pieces but you could keep living?
Who knew you could lose your better half and still remember how to breathe?
Who knew it would be weird to make it through a day without tears?
Who knew survival mode didn't include memory?
Who knew I'd still miss her so much?
Who knew everyday would actually get harder to keep going but easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel?
Who knew seeing a picture of that smile would take your breath away?
Who knew that I would regret ever telling her to be quiet?
Who knew you could cry from not seeing a daily Facebook status?
Who knew it took effort to continue living?
Who knew that saying "I love you" every time you have a conversation with someone could be so important?
Who knew it would be the last time?
Who knew when I wrote "One More Day :)" on Kenzie's Facebook, on July 11th, 2011, that no words would ever be more true?
Who knew your world could stop and everyone else would get to keep on living?
Who knew she'd forever stay 16 in my mind?
Who knew she wouldn't graduate high school?
Who knew it would be so lonely at night when the world went to sleep?
Who knew that sunny evening would turn into a living a hell?
Who knew everything would go dark without her smile?
Who knew one girl was so loved?
Who knew that so many would come to our rescue?
Who knew that strangers would comfort more than friends?
Who knew everything would change?
Who knew home wouldn't be home anymore?
Who knew life as we knew it was over?
Who knew every time you thought you were healed, the wound would open again and the emptiness would return?
Who knew every wish would be dedicated to healing that brain?
Who knew how bad this life needed that laugh?
Who knew a partner in crime would be important for quality of life?
I didn't know, but now I do.
Kayla,
ReplyDeleteI go to Mary, and Starr was my RA the first semester I was there. I am friends with her on FB, and so naturally I was led to reading about your sister's story, and then eventually this blog. I have been following for a while now, not really sure how to respond or not knowing what to say, but I have wanted to say SOMETHING at least. Your sister and the rest of your family has been on my heart for months now, and I feel that on this anniversary I can finally find some words. So here goes a try...
I will NEVER know your exact emotions, and I will NEVER know what it is like to one day have a perfectly healthy 16 year old sister, and the next have her not be that same little girl. But what I can tell you is I DO know what it is like to lose a sister. It is the worst thing I have ever been through in my life, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. The thoughts that you have expressed in your blog entries bring tears to my eyes because I feel for you so much, and it often brings to surface some of my own feelings that I have hidden. So, thank you, Kayla. You are very inspiring. You and Starr's relationship is beautiful, and I can't help but smile every time you post about her and your special bond. I too have an amazing soul mate that stands by me whenever I need him to, and those lonely nights when I just want to cry. It is a beautiful gift! Just know that anniversaries NEVER get easier, but they do become something more than just tears and "who knew's." They become beautiful memories that last a lifetime, and they become new ways to learn and grow from all the pain that life has put you through. Just always remember when you are feeling upset, that your sister is still with you, and she ALWAYS will be, even if she has a "new normal" for her life. She loves you unconditionally, and I have faith that that has not and will not ever change. She is so lucky to have such a loving sister that has stood by her side through everything this past year. Your bond is beautiful.
Stay Strong,
Alex Borchardt
Love you Kayla, and you're entire family to. Kenzie is a great girl, and I think she gets that from all of you at home. I can't wait to formally meet you this weekend, and thank you for staying strong; some people in the world don't know what strength looks like, but you are defiantly the prime example of it. Keep going strong girly. <3
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