And There It Is...

"Acceptance is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest or exit. “

I haven't talked to anyone about this because I need to write it out and figure out exactly how I feel and I express myself best through writing. I have come to terms with the accident, I have finally hit the last stage of the grieving process.

It’s been a long, hard, bumpy road. There have been people that have helped and people who have just pissed me the fuck off. The thing about grieving is that no one can get you through it. It is all on you; it’s such a personal and singular experience. No one can change the way you feel. No one can take that hurt away. But they can support you, they can help you sort through all those crazy ideas and thoughts, they can be a sounding board and they can love you.

After self reflection and soul searching, I have accepted that everything happens for a reason. That really sucks, and even if I might not like it or know the reason behind it, it happened because it was supposed to happen. I refuse to believe that she hasn’t stopped breathing and her heart hasn’t stop beating but there is no reason. I might not believe in God, but I do believe in Kenzie. She is alive for a purpose and she must have something really great in store for her.

I still cry because I miss the Kenzie that she used to be, but I'll always miss her. I'll have to live with that forever. But I realized that the part of me that was missing her and wanting my old life back is holding me back from living my new life. Everything has changed, I need to change with it. Even if I cry every day, it isn't going to change anything. Even if I stay in bed, the world keeps turning. Kenzie keeps living, so why shouldn’t I? I am done feeling sorry for myself. What kind of big sister would I be if I set that example for Kenzie? I want her to heal, so I will too.

Being home did so much for me, it gave me that inner peace that I haven’t had since the accident. All of the sudden I had this moment where my brain just said, “I will be okay.” Sure, I get emotional. I’m an emotional girl. I can’t do anything with half my heart. I’m protective of Kenzie, she’s my little sister. If people don’t treat her the way she should be treated then I’ll let them know, I’ll call you on your shit. If you don’t have any shit, then you have nothing to worry about. I'm not mad at the accident, I'm mad at everyone's behavior following the accident. I'm mad that strangers have done more than Kenzie's 'best friends' have. So if I do rage, it's because of behavior, not the act itself.