I am a lucky girl. I have people that love me. I have people that I love. I have enough money to live. I have a job that makes me use my brain. I have a working brain. (Mostly.) I have a girlfriend that I am head over heels in love with. I have a family that lets me be me. Even if I embarrass them 99% of the time. Kenzie is moving home in 3 days. I have a sister who I love more than anything in this world. I just got a new position at work. I have a family that extends beyond blood lines. Starr is graduating college in 35 days. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. If I have so much then why am I always sad?
Well, i don't know if this is an explanation, but here is my experience on the matter. As you are well aware, ive been through some pretyt tough shit in my life too. But not anymore...I had the same thought process, "i have awesome friends, people care about me, I have a good job, why am i sad?" The answer I came up with is that I was addicted to feeling sad. I have felt it for so long that it is a normal feeling for me. The problem is that I couldnt find things in life to bring me down. So I would listen to depressing music, smoke, drink, whatever it took to feel down, because feeling down feels normal. Depression corrupted my soul, and every smile, every laugh was nothing more than a pull of the strings by my puppet master, but once the show was over, and the crowd left, It would just be me, and I would revert back to my usual self. Sometimes I'm afraid to be alone, even in the present, and it will probably keep happening in the future. But alot can change, and even though there is still a small dark core in me...I know that I can over come it. I leave you with two notes I wrote..the first being from about 3 years ago. http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=129868540360347
ReplyDeleteand the second being this last summmer
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=248682038478996
I think you'll enjoy them. And just remember..your not the only one out there with a monster...
Kayla, I want so bad for you to be happy. I love you to death. You know that. But, you have to define happiness before you can move towards that end game. I'm an unhappy person. That's pretty well known. But I identified in my life what I felt I was missing and made an attempt to fix it. Its funny, I've heard that advice so many times before, and only now, at this moment, am I realizing that there's a flipside... not only do you need to define happiness and pursue that goal, but you need to define unhappiness. Figure out what's making you sad, and get away from it, or try to change your view... you know that we all love and support you. In whatever you do.
ReplyDeleteKayla, maybe the above people have a point. But I don't agree - what you are experiencing is grief. Oh my gosh you've lost your sister, your best friend, your soulmate - you are going to be sad even when you are surrounded by love. Eventually that sadness will not be the foremost thing in your mind. I remember when mom died Aunt Fern told me that at some point I wouldn't feel like my heart had been jerked from my chest. I didn't believe it. But the sadness goes to the background but it is always there. You don't get over it. You live with it. You accept it and move forward, one footstep at a time. Then you fall back two. When I was young I thought I could bring myself out of everything - I am very much into taking responsibility. But Kenzie's accident has thrown a curve my way. You know what - I would have never thought our family could survive this. and that is what you are doing surviving and at some point something will make you feel some joy again. BUT not now the grief is too enormous and it should not be minimized. There's no cute saying, no different view that will make this hurt and sadness go away. I wish there were. All my love
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