I am lost.
I feel like I have no 'home'. I have an apartment, of course. I have my parents' house. I know Sandra and Perry's house is always open.
Lewistown was my home. I moved away when I was 18 and 2 days old, July 23rd, 2010. I moved to Billings to live with Sandra and Perry and I cried for 2 weeks. I thought I missed Lewistown, but really I just missed my family. I don't consider Lewistown my home anymore because that was Kenzie and I's place. Now neither of us are there.
I lived in Billing for 8 months, but I didn't really settle in.
In April I moved to Bismarck. I can not wait to leave. There are no mountains, no family, no attachments except Starr. I feel like I have no friends here, no one I can go to and trust. It was easier to handle before because I would just call Kenzie. She always listened and kept my secrets and loved me unconditionally.
My parents now live in a camper, in Great Falls. Kenzie lives in a a nursing home. Great Falls isn't my home.
I have no direction, I have too many dreams and wants. I feel no attachment to any physical place. I feel like I'm losing my grip on who I am. I can feel it happening but I don't know how to stop it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw7Om-7sD48
ReplyDeleteI kind of know how you feel. I want out too. I have my friends here, but I want more.
All I had when I originally moved to Bismarck was Hubby. I eventually put down some roots and have a lot of great friends. I consider you and Starr to be a part of that group of friends.
ReplyDeleteI of course miss my family dearly and sometimes consider moving back, but I know I wouldn't be happy. My best advise is just find what gives you the most happiness and stick with that. You're too young to have life figured out yet. Just live life one day at a time. That's all any of us can do.
Let me expand upon that further. I was born in Minot, ND and lived there for the first 10 years of my life. After my mom and dad split it was just me and her. I don't remember it, but we were poor as shit. We slept on a curb-claimed mattress, and most of our furniture(after we got rid of the cardboard boxes) came from the same place. I remember specifically living in 3 different apartments/rentals while in Minot, and my mom and step-dad bought a house after they got married. That was the first house I ever lived in. I shared a room with my sister Madelyn for the first few months of her life. That was the house we got Cosmo, our second dog, in because Sniffy, my first dog, was so lonely he'd carry a squeak toy around the house and treat it like a baby. That was the house we lived in when I realized I was a basement dweller, and in which I lived when I met my first best friend ever. After two years in that house, we moved to Bismarck. I was 10. So while Minot is where I was born, Bismarck is where I grew up. Got my first job, learned to drive, kissed a girl, graduated high school. I was always torn between which is my hometown. To tell you the truth, some part of me has always thought of #3 7th St NW as my home. My bedroom had a Looney Toons curtain in the window that subsequent owners never took down :). That house was all but lost in the floods this summer. The curtain will be removed, the hardwood floors Cosmo tore around on will have to be replaced, my bedroom will cease to exist. The living room where I saw the Star Wars trilogy for the first time is gone. The bedroom I shared with Madelyn, destroyed. I've had an attic and two basement rooms since, but none of them will ever be that house. So, I meander. I look for a new home. I try to define home. But I don't think home is something you can find once you've lost. It doesn't have a label, you can't just go back to it. It's something you have to build for yourself.
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