Just Like A Tattoo

Today, I added another Kenzie tattoo to my body. I got it above my first Kenzie tattoo. That one says Sorror Mea, which means my sister, my friend in Latin. The heart by wrist is two K's. For Kayla and Kenzie. I got that one last December. My new one says 'You don't have to die to have your life taken.'

In the past week I've had a few moments where I remember my sister and then I think of her laying in her hospital bed. I can't think of it like that. It devastates me. It's easier to think that MY Kenzie died, and that this is a new Kenzie. We'll call my Kenzie 'Kiz' so it's less confusing.

I sometimes think that I'm just crazy. But it hurts my heart a lot less to think that Kiz is still alive and in that body. Every time the thought passes my mind I have to stop or I'll have a break down. I still can't let my mind be idle. I have to constantly be on my phone, reading something, or talking to someone.

I don't sleep very well. Last week, Girlfriend and I gave up pop. I also gave up caffeine, thinking it would be easier to fall asleep. I'm also trying to not take so many pills to fall asleep. I didn't take anything last night and I was getting tired so I put my phone, immediately my thoughts went to Kiz, and I of course started crying. So I took a sleeping pill and picked my phone up, searching the Internet for something to occupy my mind until I was too exhausted to keep my eyes open. Between the depression, insomnia and emptiness I don't know what to do with myself. I try to keep going and keep a smile on my face.

I'm glad my family, friends and girlfriend still put up with me. Sometimes I think that I'm beyond saving.