Friday, March 30, 2012

Head In The Clouds

I checked out. My mind is in Lewistown. I want to be there. I'm ready to move. I feel like I'm just sitting here putting in my time, I want time to speed up. I can't help but feel like everything will be better once I get there. Unrealistic? Maybe. But it feels good to have hope. We don't have a move date yet, but we should have one soon. I get to be in Lewistown from the 9th to the 16th and I'm already dreading coming back. Some things I'm excited to be close to:

- KENZIE!
- Family
- Skeeter
- People in Lewistown know me, I miss knowing people
- You can drive for 10 minutes and be anywhere
- Taco Time
- "The Loop"
- Memories
- Dirt roads
- Pal and Daisy
- Dash Inn
- East Fork
- Mountains
- The Martin Kids
- Spook

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Zarnia

Here are some pictures of the new house. Most of them are of the apartment because that's what I'm most excited for!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Don't Try To Tell Me I'll Stop Hurting

This is probably a mess cause I'm crying and there are tears and boogers everywhere.

Kenzie is home, in Lewistown. And I'm not. That's really tough for me. I keep replaying all the memories and I miss her so much. I want to her laugh or some offensive joke or even her crying on the phone telling me if I drive fast I can make if before morning. I miss my sister. I miss my person to tell everything big or small, happy, sad or dumb.

I've gotten use to this life of grief but I still miss my old life. I miss getting texts with way too many vowels. I miss getting called a sensitive asshole for being so emotional. I want all that happiness that used to wrap me up.

Things are so different now. Today they drove into town and went to the new house. That little fact is hard to wrap my head around. 'Home' is a new place. Not the place I've lived, laughed, cried, fought in and ran away from. It's just a building but it's the place I became me. It was my jungle gym, safe place, and prison. It was the place where I spent my whole life.

"You don't know her like I do. You'll never understand and you don't know what we've been through. That girl's my best friend. There's no way you're gonna help me. She's the only one who can."

I deal with the pain because I am so lucky that I had that much to lose.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Lucky Girl

I am a lucky girl. I have people that love me. I have people that I love. I have enough money to live. I have a job that makes me use my brain. I have a working brain. (Mostly.) I have a girlfriend that I am head over heels in love with. I have a family that lets me be me. Even if I embarrass them 99% of the time. Kenzie is moving home in 3 days. I have a sister who I love more than anything in this world. I just got a new position at work. I have a family that extends beyond blood lines. Starr is graduating college in 35 days. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. If I have so much then why am I always sad?

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sunday's Are The Best

After we went to 21 Jump Street, we went down to the river for a few hours. Something about the sunshine brings out all of the cute couples and the boys taking pictures of their cars.









Saturday, March 17, 2012

Nighttime is Always the Loneliest

Things I'm thankful for at this exact minute:
Rebecca
This text:I don't wanna say it's going to feel better with time. Or that it's not going to hurt anymore after x amount of time. I don't want to say she's going to make a full recovery, though I'm hoping she does. I know that's what you hear the most, and I know that after a while it just becomes phrases that really don't mean anything more than someone didnt know what else to say. I know that for me, it hasn't gotten easier with time. Losing Kenzie flipped my world upside down and I haven't been able to flip it back. I cant even imagine how you feel, nor do I want to pretend I can. Just know that I love the hell out of you, and I wanna help in any way I can. Except for throwing cliches your way. Everyone else does enough of that. I love you, and I hope to see your heart heal very soon.
Rum
Starr's love
My girlfriend being completely okay with me wearing sweat pants and no makeup.
Enough Kenzie memories to last a lifetime.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Inner Workings of My Mind (It's a Freakshow)

The way my brain works is different then most. I'm going to try to explain this in the least confusing way possible. 

When I meet someone, they are neutral. I see them as a person. Not cute or ugly (I don't judge on outside appearance). I don't see them and have an initial reaction of I'm attracted or not attracted to them. By attracted I don't just mean physically. I mean connected to them in an emotional/personal way as to build a friendship.

If they do something nice, smart or funny... They go up and they become more attractive.

If they do something dumb, mean or hurtful... They go down and they become unattractive. 

When the good/positive is in the lead they are attractive to me.

When the bad/negative outweighs the rest then I'll find them unattractive.

That's how I initially decide to pursue a friendship/relationship with that person. 

I decided to write about it because Starr and I were talking about how people pick partners/friends and apparently not many people do it like I do!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

An Example for Everyone

C was Kenzie's best friend. They got along great but always denied they were more then friends. A year ago (give or take a few days) C got in an accident. He was drinking and driving. After Kenzie found out she was heart broken. I was in Billings, so the most I could do was stay up all night with her on the phone. She cried for days and days. Mom, Dad and I were helpless. I've never seen my sister more broken. She had a tough few weeks after that, a lot of people (including C) blamed her for the accident, even though she tried to take his keys and she wasn't drinking at all. She had bruises on her hands from him prying the keys away from her. After that, she hated going to school because she felt so alone. I admired her for being able to stand up for herself, even if she was the minority. Looking back, I am envious of her ability to not blame God, to actually put her faith in him. She had strength and she knew exactly what she stood for. Not everyone can say that their little sister inspires them to be a better person, but I'm proud to say that I can.

Friday, March 9, 2012

648 NE Washington

My parents are moving this weekend. It's really bittersweet. We moved into our house when I was 4 and Kenzie was exactly a year. April, 1996. I remember the Easter Sunday when my dad accidentally hooked the hot water up to the hose and Kenzie, Sam and I made our own swimming pool by digging a whole in the middle of the yard and jumping in with all of our clothes. I remember building a mattress slide in the basement. I remember hours and hours of playing Barbies until we couldn't keep our eyes open anymore. I remember being obsessed with Rob Zombie because his single 'Dragula' was on the snowmobiling game on our playstation. I remember spending one New Year's Eve standing in the kitchen with Mom and Kenzie, eating cookie dough and sharing a Diet Coke. I remember sitting in the living room watching Jonas Brothers video for an entire summer. I remember Kenzie breaking her arm after falling off of the trampoline on the very last day of school before summer break. I remember watching our parents pull down our tree house in the backyard. I remember fighting about who was gonna pick up dog poop. I remember giggling into all hours of the night. I remember waking up at 5 in the morning so Kenzie could curl my hair before school. I remember setting up a makeshift agility course for the dogs. I remember hauling the big stereo outside so we'd have music while we did yard work. I remember painting the house every weekend one fall. I remember Kenzie wrote on EVERYTHING in her room. I remember remodeling the basement and then our rooms were right next to each other. I remember Kenzie always breaking the sliding door that we connected our rooms with. I remember Kenzie, Madison and I watching Jerry Springer and ordering Pizza Hut. I remember memorizing the "Date Song" at the end of Disaster Movie and rewinding it over and over. I remember playing Lion King with Pal and Daisy. I remember what a pain in the ass it was when the basement flooded. I remember going through each other's closets and Mom's jewlery box. I could go and on. But I'm at work and crying at work is frowned upon.
 
Those memories are bittersweet and moving will be tough. But I'm ready to have my sister home and to make new memories with her in the new house.