Somedays I'm a Brat, Today is One of Those Days

Everyday this week has been a Monday in my world. But... I got all 40 hours in so now I have a whole weekend off!

Things that normally wouldn't bother me that I hate this week:

People who only text me cause they want gossip
Facebook friends that keep spelling lose like loose
Kenzie's 'friends' have stopped going to see her
Fake ass people
My messy house
Stupid co-workers and even dumber customers
Christmas Cards
People who share unoriginal pictures on Facebook, that's what tumblr is for
My runny nose
Having a to-do list and no motivation
Pretending to be happy because people are getting sick of my shit
Family that hasn't been to see Kenzie even once
Being pissed off about the holidays
T2

I am so ready to go home to my family. I need to recharge. I need some sister time.

Thank you!

I should be doing this next week... but I'm going to be driving from Bismarck to Lewistown, Lewistown to Great Falls, Great Falls to Billings and then back to Bismarck. I'm going to write what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for Kenzie. I'm thankful for her life. I'm glad I got to spend all the time I did spend with her and I'm glad I got to experience the type of friendship and closeness that most people don't share with their sisters. I'm thankful to have all my memories of her, even if sometimes they are more painful then happy. I was lucky to have her in my life for 16 years. She means the world to me. I am thankful that she is still alive and making progress.

I'm thankful for my parents. I'm thankful for the love and daily sacrifice that they make for Kenzie. I'm glad we have an open relationship and that I am able to tell them anything. We have had a long year. Our relationship went up and down and everywhere in between. But we are still here and I'm thankful that we have had each other to lean on and I wouldn't be who I am today without their guidance and support these 19 years.

I'm thankful for Starr. I have experienced so many firsts with her, she has been there for everything. When I wake her up crying at 2 in the morning, she stays awake all night and talks to me until I have calmed down. She goes out of her way to do anything that will make my life easier, all while maintaining friendships, keeping her grades up, and working full time. I'm thankful for the connection that we have because a lot of people don't have that with their signicant others. I admire and love her with my whole heart.

I'm thankful for Katie. She lets me be petty and ridiculous and whiny and she always knows just what to say. She is one of those people you can tell anything to and you know it's safe with her. She is strong and doesn't hesitate to be vunerable. She is irreplaceable.

I'm thankful for Shelby. Every Thursday I wake up, eat breakfast and then call Shelby and we talk for hours. I don't have to pretend to be happy or nice or anything, it's awesome!

I'm thankful for Sandra and Perry. My other parents. They are there and always have the advice that I need. Their house is my other home and I wouldn't have it be any other way.

I'm thankful for my adoptive and extended family. That includes Ande, the kids, Jaime and Pres, Twyla, Connie, Erik, Grandma, Papa, Papa Hugh, Aunt Penny, Taylor, Joel, Madison, Rebecca, Lesley, Dana, Tricia, Amber, Wife, Naomi, Corrie and Nancy.

I'm thankful for my job. I work with some pretty ridiculous people and most of the customers are dumb as shit, but it pays my bills and I have met a few irreplaceble people that I hope to get to know even better.

I'm thankful for everyone that hurt me and acted like an idiot. Without that, I wouldn't realize just how great the people in my life are. I won't take the awesome people for granted because I know that there are people that just straight up suck. A lot of the those people apparently live or have lived in Bismarck, ND. They all made me stronger, now if someone treats me like shit I just quit them. If you get hurt over and over by the same people you learn to stop putting yourself out there.

I'm thankful for all of the love and support that my family has had these past four months. We wouldn't be where we are today without each and everyone of you.

123 days

It's been 4 months since the accident. That's 123 days so here are the top 123 things I remember about Kenzie.

freckles - fords - she always had my back - the ability to make anyone smile - under armour - dirt roads - mountains - cinch jeans - her ability to memorize a song after hearing it once - FFA - cowboy boots - blue mt dew - the loop - sour patch kids - telling everyone they can suck her dick - her laugh - chewing her gum like a cow - short shorts - muck boots - talking shit - her hands were either so cold they were purple or they were sweaty - pistol - jalapeno corn dogs - always hungry - lil wayne - j.b. mauney - facebook fights - inapproprite as hell - meth mondays - jane fonda - her shaking her shit, regardless of the music - being loud - jason aldean - crumping contests in the town pump parking lot - kate, cole & quin - spike - huge belt buckles - camoflauge - rocking out to bad romance - sharing bus seats even we were the only 2 on the bus - white tank tops - she was the only person who loved huckleberry as much as i do - i need a guarantee - just dance competitions with madison - mushy facebook posts - that damn spacer coming out of her mouth every time she ate dots - pictures - her punches, they hurt - you need that - always being mean to the cats - her perm - the way she loved her friends - her ugly feet - rockstar rims - biting her bottom lip as she hip checks you - a mane of brown hair - constantly texting - her feet smelled like asshole - her awful handwriting - fishin' in the dark - bobcats - narnia - daisy - PBR - manswers - chex mix - ginger - sunny ledford - gay kid school - winky faces freaked her out - cummins - the pasture - her hatred of carrie underwood - multiple chinned smiley faces :)))))) - making fun of me for crying - 8 seconds - getting lost on purpose - east fork - bonfires - holding hands - 1st & main - telling dad that 'we were on our way to bed' and then we would sit in the living room talking for another 2 hours - driving around in the mini van - getting in a fight and leaving her on the side of the road - brown eyes - she wasn't allowed to burp in my car - the bridge to terabithia - socks up to her knees - she hated reading - loved shrimp -  mac & cheese - the luv - flannel - our talks with mr. long - the most beautiful girl i've ever met - stubborn as hell - ruining all of mom's candles - smacking her lips when she sleeps - never back down - long, long legs - saints - her huge smile -  April 23rd - beer pong - UNC - best friend - texts from last night - sticking her head under the faucet to drink water - carhartt jeans - the way she could turn your day around - she watched freaky friday every night before bed for months - her being a puss, law and order would give her nightmares - her wisdom - her love of life - the way she was passionate about the things she loved - she's probably the hairiest girl ever - she didn't wear makeup until she was 15 - she hated every song i ever showed her, at least until she listened to it a few times - teaching her to drive my car - staying up late playing barbies - our easter mudslide - bike rides with sam - zurich - breaking her arm, and then breaking her cast - late nights in hotel rooms, where there was no sleep and lots of laughs.

I could go on and on. Everyone says "She's in your heart." But my heart doesn't talk back to me, my heart doesn't answer my phone calls, my heart doesn't have the words to make my day better. I want my sister back. 123 days is 123 days too long. The world is not the same without her. If anyone wants to dedicate their 11.11.11 wish to her, I think we'd be one step closer to that miracle we so desperately need.

Guest Blogger: Maaaaam

Kiz and I call our mom, Maaaaaam. We don't know why. It's just one of those things. My mom wrote today's blog.

Venting-
Things I miss:
my house and yard
my horses
my friends
not crying EVERYDAY
a washer and dryer

I guess I'm really angry right now, at everything. Why us? Why now? How do people go on? Why my kid? Why is all the paperwork repetitve? It takes two people at least to take care of Kenz daily, it is a lot of work and it is not easy. We are coming up on 4 months and it seems like a lifetime, our lives changed in a blink of an eye, just a split second. Kenz is hard to take care of, add that to a disabled husband, who is still waiting for SS/disability, he tries so hard and is in chronic pain. My best friend is in ND and I want her not to worry and enjoy that adventure. Then wanting to bring Kenz home, do we stay in our house or look for a new one? Try to go back to work? I miss the kids sooo much. I miss my kids, I could get a job here, but I could go back to Small Wonder and that would be the one normal thing left in my life. The following are pictures taken before the accident and after the accident, just a few of the memories that we have shared.

Understanding Yourself is a Pain in the Ass

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~Henry David Thoreau

I'm lost. I have lost my sense of 'home'. I have lost an incredibly huge part of my heart. The space Kenzie filled in me ... I can't even explain. She was my other half, she was there for almost every memory, we shared almost everything, we just understood each other.

This last week I have been reevaluating my life. I'm second guessing everything and trying to figure out what is important to me and what I am passionate about. I want to start turning dreams into plans. I'm also doing this with my friendships, taking the toxic people out of my life and being a better friend/daughter/girlfriend/niece/sister to my loved ones. I'm a visual/verbal person, so expect me to be writing more or be expecting a phone call.

Also, today was my momma's first day at work, so send her some positive thoughts please.

Dakota Outright

The LGBTQ community is awesome here in Bismarck. Every 2-3 months there is a drag show and I was telling my mom about how excited I am to go to the drag show. Its not really that we LOVE drag queens, it's more about the atmosphere and the people we are surrounded by. There are other same sex couples and open minded people. Starr and I aren't the 'thing to look at' we are just another regular couple. I love it. It's comfortable and everyone is just like us. No one has ever said anything to me about our lifestyle or anything but I just feel a lot more comfortable when it feels like we aren't only being tolerated but being accepted.

This is my new friend Amanda! Her wife is in Binford dealing with some family issues and we are missing her a lot tonight.

2012

2012 is something I excited for. Last week, Starr told me we are moving home! We have been on the fence about moving to Montana or staying here for another year or two. We both really like our jobs and we love our apartment but I think its best for us to be closer to our families.

 Starr is graduating in April with a degree in social work and a degree in psychology. Then we will live in North Dakota until August, when she is finished with her internship we will move to Billings, Montana. She is applying for at UND for their online social work master's program and hoping to start that in May. I'm hoping to start cosmetology school at Blanco Blanco next fall.

2012 can't be any worse then 2011. If we made it out of this year alive, nothing is gonna stop us. I'm really excited to be home in Montana. I'm ready to be around our loved ones and be able to see Kenzie or my parents without having to drive 9 hours. North Dakota is okay, but it isn't home. The only people that I'll miss here are Rosie, Ternes and the Ambers.

I'm ready to be in the same town as Katie, Sandra and Perry. I didn't love Billings when I lived there before, but I didn't realize how important it is to be so close to loved ones. I'm not sure if Billings is going to be our forever home where we buy a house and start to live out those post-school dreams but we don't need to decide now.  All that being said, August is still 10 long months away. Waiting is gonna make me crazy.

On a side note, I still have my days but with the support of my loved ones and a little help from bupropion, things are starting to be a little brighter. I miss Kenzie, probably even more now then I ever have, but watching videos of her moving and seeing new pictures of her gives me hope for her future.

I have brown hair now. It still freaks me out, but my woman likes it and that's what counts. :)