Since the accident, I haven't been able to sleep. You know when you're laying in bed and it's so quiet and you just think until you fall asleep? That's what I call my danger zone. I have to avoid that part of bedtime. I usually take my sleeping pills and then lay down, Starr always goes to sleep first and then I get on my phone would read myself to sleep, but I haven't been able to get into any books. I check Cracked, Horsecity, Facebook and tumblr. I have to read until I am completely exhausted and almost asleep, only then will I stop reading, but if I don't fall asleep right away I grab my phone and read more until I think I can try to sleep again. When I let my brain have down time my thoughts instantly turn to Kenzie and how is she versus how she was. Then I start missing her and that starts the crying and I really don't wanna go through that every night.
When I do fall asleep without taking any medication,I dream. Sometimes I dream in textures, I see feathers and scales and fabric and skin and fur. Those dreams are always colorful and very quiet. When I dream about Kenzie I'm not reliving old memories. We are always making new memories and it's always post-accident. She has the same scars and sometimes she is her wheelchair, but more often than she not she can walk. She can talk and run and dance and we are are surrounded by our family and friends. We have been at Lewis and Clark days in Cut Bank and at the fair in Lewistown, even at Aunt Sandra's house in Billings. I love these dreams and hope that what I'm seeing could be our future.
Kayla, I grew up in Lewistown and my parents and sister and her family still live there. You might know my nephew, Jared Miller. I"ve been following your family's journey through FB updates. In Aug. my 14 year old son died suddenly in a swimming accident. I wanted to share a trick I know to help you fall asleep. You start with exercise during the day. That is important, so I hope you're doing that. At bedtime, I do take an over the counter sleep aid and I read a bit until I feel my eyes drooping. I get comfortable and begin counting backward from 1000, by 3's. I'm not very good with numbers, so I have to really think about it. As I think the number 1000, I inhale and focus on my breath. As I think 997, I exhale and focus on my breath. If my mind wanders I just bring my focus back to counting, inhaling and exhaling. Don't get frustrated if you don't feel like it's working. Just keep counting and breathing.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you and Kenzie and your whole family. God Bless.