Thursday, September 1, 2011

Life is too hard.

I have always had to work to keep myself attached to my feelings, its always been pretty easy for me to disconnect from what I am feeling and focus on something else. But everyday I don't have Kenzie it gets harder and harder and I feel the pain more and more.  Today sucked. Everytime I thought of Kenzie my heart stopped, my stomach and chest physically hurt. I don't know whether to run away from life or curl up in bed and hide from it. Today was one of those days when it feels like there is no hope in the world. It felt like nothing would be okay ever again. I would just think of Kenzie's smile, laugh or voice and I wouldn't be able to breath. I know everyone says "stay strong" or "don't lose hope" but some days it is so hard. Today, I hated everyone. Everyone that gets to live their life and everyone that doesn't have a huge hole in their heart. Life is hard. In the words of our favorite nurse, Patty, "Death is easier than this" I guess what makes it so hard and so painful is that I have to grieve the loss of my life-loving-balls-to-the-walls sister and adapt to my sister who is now handicapped. It isn't fair. She wasn't born this way. Everyone that she meets from now on will know her only as she is now, they don't get to see that she was loud and crazy and selfless and they won't get to know her voice or get to see her dance or sing at the top of her lungs. From now on, every little thing she does will be a huge struggle and she will never have an independent life. That thought takes my breath away, it gives me panic attacks. It makes me think why wasn't it me? I would have given anything to trade with Kiz. My first thought in the morning is "How am I going to get through today?" I can be doing anything, and if Kenzie slips into my mind I have to fight off tears. It surprises me how much love I have for her. I would do anything for that girl.

I talk to God a lot these days, usually without even thinking of it. Our conversations happen 2-3 times a day and they don't have any structure. They just flow. First, I say my thank you's and then I say my prayers. They happen like this: thank you for - starrparentsstrengthlovelifelaughterkenzierelationshipsfamily, please - healkenziesbrainkeepwatchoverparentshelpgivemestrengthkeepfamilystrong. I'm not really sure why I do it that way. It just happens.

Sometimes I think my prayers work, like tonight, for example. I felt like I could do anything, talk to anybody, overcome everything thrown at me. One of my new favorite quotes is "Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." That is my favorite feeling. This is going to sound so corny but I feel surrounded by love. Starr's, my parent's, God's. It doesn't usually last very long but its effects are what keep me going. 


  1. Kayla, this was a good one. I'm not going to tell you I understand what you're going through. I won't tell you to "be strong" or to "not lose hope." I'm not that kind of person. I'll tell you this though. This isn't something you can hide from. I know you already knew that. I have trouble facing life some days. I hate what I've become in the past 4 years. I hate that I feel like I've made little to no progress towards my goal of making my own movies. I was saying all of this to a friend one night, and mind you this was before he and I knew each other incredibly well, and all we ever talked about were comics. Anyway, I was telling him how I had been given several opportunities to make progress, to get going, whatever and he said one of the most profound things I've ever heard that sticks with me to this day. "A war isn't always won by a landslide of victories. Sometimes, it's won by the ones that count." I think about those words quite often nowadays. Especially with how I feel about so many things in my life. Now I'm not great at taking or listening to my own advice, but just keep that thought in mind as you move forward. It makes the day easier, knowing that this is just another day, and not necessarily the turning point in your battle to stay afloat in this new life of yours.

    Finally, some real Ternes advice, straight from the horse's mouth. Earlier you said, "I don't know whether to run away from life or curl up in bed and hide from it." My thoughts on that? Fuck it. Get right up in life's snotty little face and show it that you're not afraid. Make sure it knows that even after it's dished out everything it has to you, you'll still be standing waiting only for the dust to settle.

  2. I love your advise, Ternes. Kayla, I'd like to share some things with you if you're interested. My husband had a TBI, and it changed our lives forever.

  3. Kayla~ We've never met but I am a Lewistown girl. Born and raised there until I was 18. Your family has been on my heart since July. I have never been through what you and your family are going through but I do have a sister very close in age to me and we were very close growing up. Many of your stories remind me of my sister and I. I also have a teenage son and from a mother's point of view my heart aches. I wanted to share that in my 41 years when life doesn't go as planned, for me, the "not knowing" is the hardest part. Whether its physical, emotional, financial..... not knowing when its going to get better or what its going to look like on the other side of whatever mountain your faced with or not knowing how to get through getting from point A to point B and not knowing how to face the reality of no one can give you those answers. I don't consider myself a control freak but the not knowing... I have not always handled that well. I too will not tell you and your family to 'hang in there' or 'stay strong', sometimes the best I could do was to just breathe.
    I will continue to keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.