I have always had to work to keep myself attached to my feelings, its always been pretty easy for me to disconnect from what I am feeling and focus on something else. But everyday I don't have Kenzie it gets harder and harder and I feel the pain more and more. Today sucked. Everytime I thought of Kenzie my heart stopped, my stomach and chest physically hurt. I don't know whether to run away from life or curl up in bed and hide from it. Today was one of those days when it feels like there is no hope in the world. It felt like nothing would be okay ever again. I would just think of Kenzie's smile, laugh or voice and I wouldn't be able to breath. I know everyone says "stay strong" or "don't lose hope" but some days it is so hard. Today, I hated everyone. Everyone that gets to live their life and everyone that doesn't have a huge hole in their heart. Life is hard. In the words of our favorite nurse, Patty, "Death is easier than this" I guess what makes it so hard and so painful is that I have to grieve the loss of my life-loving-balls-to-the-walls sister and adapt to my sister who is now handicapped. It isn't fair. She wasn't born this way. Everyone that she meets from now on will know her only as she is now, they don't get to see that she was loud and crazy and selfless and they won't get to know her voice or get to see her dance or sing at the top of her lungs. From now on, every little thing she does will be a huge struggle and she will never have an independent life. That thought takes my breath away, it gives me panic attacks. It makes me think why wasn't it me? I would have given anything to trade with Kiz. My first thought in the morning is "How am I going to get through today?" I can be doing anything, and if Kenzie slips into my mind I have to fight off tears. It surprises me how much love I have for her. I would do anything for that girl.
I talk to God a lot these days, usually without even thinking of it. Our conversations happen 2-3 times a day and they don't have any structure. They just flow. First, I say my thank you's and then I say my prayers. They happen like this: thank you for - starrparentsstrengthlovelifelaughterkenzierelationshipsfamily, please - healkenziesbrainkeepwatchoverparentshelpgivemestrengthkeepfamilystrong. I'm not really sure why I do it that way. It just happens.
Sometimes I think my prayers work, like tonight, for example. I felt like I could do anything, talk to anybody, overcome everything thrown at me. One of my new favorite quotes is "Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." That is my favorite feeling. This is going to sound so corny but I feel surrounded by love. Starr's, my parent's, God's. It doesn't usually last very long but its effects are what keep me going.