I still get quite a few messages from people. Most of them are really nice, awesome people that say that they look up to me or they are proud to know me and I love getting them! But I'm not perfect, ha, not even close. I'm just lucky that the positive things about me are what gets put out for everyone to see. No one calls me out on my shit and I'm pretty good at keeping my drama to myself, at least publicly. If you're one of my close friends you know that I send really long pissed off emails. Sometimes I'm an asshole, I get mad over stupid things and I'm really judgemental. I'm fickle. If I'm hungry or tired I get really grumpy. I leave all the cupboards open and cry for no reason. I'm selfish and needy. I hold grudges and I talk too loud.
Sometimes I get scared that if all these people that have reached out to me actually got to know the real me that they would pull away, because I do have a lot of flaws. I probably have more bad traits then good ones.
Any relationship with me is a roller coaster. When I'm depressed I pull away and keep to myself, when I'm medicated I reach out and try my hardest to be there for my loved ones. I initiate conversations and I'll do whatever I can for you. When I'm okay with where I'm at, I talk about my feelings; when I'm in a dark spot I don't share anything and I don't put in any effort at all.
With me it's one of those "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" situations.
Oh, girlie, you are so hard on yourself. Everyone and I mean everyone has lots of huge flaws. The trouble is, that you don't get to see theirs because you are too busy seeing your own. People in general don't like to show flaws. They are sneaky little buggers and come out at the worst times tho! You also deserve a little slack. You have had the worst period of your life, with no real end in sight. I will tell you again, you have handled the changes and cards that were dealt to you and your family with grace and dignity. You are entitled to get "ugly" now and then. Just try to take care of you and be good to yourself.
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