Friday, September 30, 2011

Counting Sheep

Since the accident, I haven't been able to sleep. You know when you're laying in bed and it's so quiet and you just think until you fall asleep? That's what I call my danger zone. I have to avoid that part of bedtime. I usually take my sleeping pills and then lay down, Starr always goes to sleep first and then I get on my phone would read myself to sleep, but I haven't been able to get into any books. I check Cracked, Horsecity, Facebook and tumblr. I have to read until I am completely exhausted and almost asleep, only then will I stop reading, but if I don't fall asleep right away I grab my phone and read more until I think I can try to sleep again.  When I let my brain have down time my thoughts instantly turn to Kenzie and how is she versus how she was. Then I start missing her and that starts the crying and I really don't wanna go through that every night.

When I do fall asleep without taking any medication,I dream. Sometimes I dream in textures, I see feathers and scales and fabric and skin and fur. Those dreams are always colorful and very quiet. When I dream about Kenzie I'm not reliving old memories. We are always making new memories and it's always post-accident. She has the same scars and sometimes she is her wheelchair, but more often than she not she can walk. She can talk and run and dance and we are are surrounded by our family and friends. We have been at Lewis and Clark days in Cut Bank and at the fair in Lewistown, even at Aunt Sandra's house in Billings. I love these dreams and hope that what I'm seeing could be our future.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Drown in Love and Memories

Tonight, I'm just sitting here crying and missing my sister.

I am so scared of forgetting.

I feel like without her, I am losing a part of myself. She would always make sure I didn't take myself too seriously and she always knew EXACTLY what my heart needed. She would have all the words to make it better. She knew what to say when I needed a laugh or something silly to talk about about. She knew when I needed to cry and she would tell me that she loves me and that she will always have my back. She was so good for my heart. I miss her laugh and our long phone calls and the random texts she would send me about Mr. Long, or Textsfromlastnight or Lil' Wayne song lyrics or something funny Dad said. I miss the pictures of trucks thats she loved or Pal or her being cute and telling me to pick which one she should put on Facebook. I miss the voicemails of her blasting 'Bad Romance' or 'You Need That'. I miss driving around drinking blue mountain dew and talking about nothing and everything and listening to our music too loud, saying we would go home after driving the loop just one last time. I miss her trying to drive my car and scaring the shit of me. I miss my sister.

It's hard to remember who you are when a part of your heart is missing.








Monday, September 26, 2011

Beautiful People

I am blown away by how many people have reached out to me. Countless people have sent me messages and emails and texted me and talked to me on Facebook and even if I haven't written back or responded in anyway, I still appreciate it. I am thankful for each and everyone of you that have reached out to me and supported me.

I never knew strangers could have such big hearts.

I don't have very many words because honestly, your love leaves me speechless. I am looking forward to meeting a lot of you at the October 8th banquet!

My family has also been amazing. My aunt Sandra and I talk on the phone for about an hour a few times a week. She's listens to me cry and dream and be a brat and she still just loves me. Uncle Perry knows exactly what I need when I come home. "Let me know when you are coming and I'll cook you a nice dinner and we can drink beer and lie to each other." :)

Yesterday was Girlfriend Day at our house. That means no phones, no Facebook, no email. Usually we just stay inside and lay around the house but yesterday we went to Qdoba, shopping, Lion King 3D, Paradiso, and then we got Red Box movies and just laid in bed. Girlfriend Day's are good for your heart. Have I mentioned how much I love Starr? Cause it's a lot. She keeps me sane and she deals with all my bullshit.


Today is Madison's birthday! She is 17 and the best friend Kenzie could ever ask for. I'm proud to call her my sister.


Also! Kenzie gave us a thumbs up this weekend! Our hearts are soaring! My little sister is a rock star! :) Write her a note here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pray-For-Kenzie-Zarn/117728701655947


Saturday, September 24, 2011

Restless

Warning: I'm writing this on my phone, so the quality might really suck.

Lately, I have been so restless. I want changes. Huge changes. I have been day dreaming like crazy. My mind will probably change by next week but right now I'm ready to go back to school. I wanna get married. I want to move. I wanna get a tattoo. I want, I want, I want.

School: I decided that I want to go to school for elementary education. I can't believe how much I miss kids, it's one of those you don't know what you have until it's gone things.

Married: I am too young to be married and it would be ridiculous to try to make any sort of plans right now. But, I'm a girl and I wanna be a princess in a white dress and since we will have to probably have get married in New York, I'm dreaming of a fall wedding and orange and red and yellow leaves. (you know, Montana is lacking on the whole civil rights thing)

Move: Girlfriend and I have some big decisions to make, I wouldn't have a problem staying here so she could get her Masters at Mary, but it depends on Kenzie. Montana is where our families and our hearts are at, but we love our apartment and we both have good jobs so is this is going to be a really tough decision. There is a Masters program in Missoula, but we decided we didn't wanna go there. Helena and Billings are other choices right now. We hope to have our minds made up by Christmas.

Tattoo: I'm getting anxious to get a Kenzie tattoo. I already have my sister tattoo on my left forearm and I'm just going to add to it.

I don't know why I am craving change, I think it's crazy because my whole life has changed so much in the past 5 months.

And this is Girlfriends new hair :)
And my new hair!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

What's On My Mind

Things that are on my mind right now:

I love our fish. We got two Betas. They each have their own vase. Mine is named Iago (EE-ah-go) and Starr's is named Speider. (Sp-EE-I-der) Who would have thought that fish would have such big personalities? Iago plays with is food and comes right up to the glass when I'm on the other side. We have stare offs. Speider is a little more shy but he isn't as skittish as Iago.
Iago
Speider

I love my girlfriend so much. Our relationship isn't perfect by any means. She gets mad at me when I leave all the lights on or all the cupboard doors open and I'm always forgetting something, and she makes me crazy when she stresses out over little things. But we love each other and I think we are meant to be. We mean the world to each other and we aren't okay if the other person isn't okay. Plus, we are adorable.


Kenzie's accident has been really hard for everyone; it's a really big deal. But you CAN talk to me about other things. I am still trying to live my life. It's hard, but it's harder when, on the rare occasion that I'm thinking about something else, she is brought back into conversation.

But on that note, I do have a Kenzie update for everyone. I think everyone knows who Pal is, he was my kitten but turned into my Dad's. He made Kenzie CRAZY, he's kind of bad. The other day, he was sitting on her and my mom told Kenz to scratch the kitty and she closed her eyes and DID! WOO! She also asked Kenzie to move her thumb, and she did that too. Rock star!

I don't talk about my cousin very much, but she is one of the most important people in my life. I love her so much. I can tell her whatever is on my mind and no matter what it is, I feel safe telling her, because I know she won't judge me. She is strong, supportive, selfless and one of my heros. I always wanted a big sister, and I feel like I finally got her. 


& here is a link to my Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=523745631

Monday, September 19, 2011

Some People

First, little miss Amy asked me one of my favorite questions of all time, "Is this a good day or a bad day?" It was the perfect thing to say to me on that particular day. She's cute as hell.


Some people are probably going to be pretty pissed at me after this blog. If you don't wanna read about me being a whiny brat you should stop reading now. This girl messaged me and told me not to write about her, but when I messaged her after the accident and told her to back off, she said "no." so she already lost her respect. I am not going to use her name. I'll call her R.

Everyone probably knows about my deal with R. If you don't, basically her and Kenzie fought, a lot. Like R and L came to my house to fight Kenz and Erika. (Kenzie's words. R&L called Kerry Lombard and asked her to come. Kerry and I talked, that's how come I know this.)

Actually, Kerry and I have talked a lot. After the accident she sent me a message, it said "hey kayla i know your sis and i have not been on good terms for a while but that aside i just want you to know i am praying for her and your family" That is what I call stepping up to the plate. A few other girls that have been absolutely amazing are Taylor Scott and Gabby Moore. These younger girls are just blowing me away. All of them have been completely honest with me and they leave me speechless. I probably sound silly, but there is so much I can say about these girls. Basically each one of them has come to me and said "I know Kenz and I had problems, but I'm so so sorry and I take complete responsibility and I'm putting that behind me and if there is anything I can do for you or your family, I'll be there." Pretty huge for 18-16 year olds. I hope if I were in this situation I would be able to be as gracious and grown up as these outstanding young girls.

I don't even know R, I don't think we have ever talked before this. During Kenzie and I's long phone talks, she came up a few times. Basically they were friends last winter, for a little while and then they drifted apart and then there was a "Facebook fight" between L&Kerry and Kenzie&Erika, it was on a dumb boy's page and all the sudden R was on L&Kerry's side. Kenzie was taken aback cause she didn't even think they had a problem, but she was pretty much like whatever, cause they weren't great friends in the first place. Then the drama happened where they came over to my house, Kenzie was so funny cause she called me afterwards, I guess the girls just came over and talked shit and left.

I didn't have anything against R personally, except that Kenzie hated her, so I hated her by association, because thats what you do when its your sister. The night of the accident she messaged Starr and said "I heard Kayla Zarn's sister is dead. Is it true?" yeah, sounds like a winner. She posted on the prayer page day and night and messaged my parents. (She still messages me parents, expecting them to read her every post when I have yet to hear them read Kenzie one of hers, because they know that Kenzie doesn't like her and she wasn't good to Kenz) On something she made Kenzie it says "When you see this you will know that I was by your bedside" and on the back of it, it said "Someone needs to read this to Kenzie because R couldn't" I have had people ask me, before I posted anything about about R, "What did she do that is so bad that she thinks she has to make up for it?" So its not only me. After I posted about her the first time, Kenzie's REAL friends came out of the woodwork saying they are glad someone said something.

So, I messaged R, because I don't want to not like her. I forgave the other girls easily and now we talk quite a bit. But she was different. She was actually mean to me. She hadn't gone to see Kenzie and the first thing she said was "I'm not going to stop going to see Kenzie just because you don't like me." She also told me that they have always been great friends and that I need to stop making up lies about her. What do I have to gain by that? I have a little more going on in my life than dealing with fake bitches. My mom and I talk about how fake she is and how she is doing most of this for show, but my mom says "I think she is sorry and this makes her feel better." This isn't about her, she needs to make it right inside herself. That isn't our problem. My mom and I fight about it a lot, because Kenzie's real friends give my parents space and they don't message them every day. I always ask my mom why they talk to R so much and she says its because R constantly messages her. It makes me crazy! Obviously I'm not heartless because when those other girls showed me that they deserve to be forgiven all it took was a quick conversation, some people think that I single R out and that I'm mean to her for no reason. I'm not mean to her, she just doesn't deserve to be a part of our lives. These girls do:








Living

Most days, I really don't wanna be alive. I think about killing myself a lot. I usually tell someone on those days because thats the kind of person I am. All of these memories hurt so bad...
























It would be so easy to go to sleep and not ever wake up.


But there are a few things keeping me here, and by things, I mean amazing, wonderful people.

























Thank you.