My Kiz

This afternoon, I had a 3 hour breakdown. Because I am missing my sister.

I gave her so many names. Kenz, Kiz, Kizzy, MJ (I always got hit after saything that one) Sister, Ginger, Little Sister, Little Big Sister. That punk was always taller than me.

I miss her so much. My heart aches.

We played barbies til 2 in the morning. When Mom and Dad would go up town, we would close the curtains turn up the country music and we would dance! Last summer, every moment we got, we were on the gravel roads, not thinking, not feeling, just hanging out, music loud and we were singing along.

I miss her. I miss my sister. I miss my best friend. I miss our relationship. I miss the 2 hour phone calls in the middle of the night. I miss our inside jokes and the random texts that would make my day. I miss her calling me and saying 'Kayla, Facebook fight, back me up'. I miss her dancing in the living room with her little shorts and tank top on. I miss her voice. that laugh. that smile. I miss the days we wouldn't do our hair or makeup and we would spend the entire day at the pasture with mom doing chores. We would complain the entire day, even though we didn't have anything better to do. I'm a pretty touchy person and Kenzie would always hold my hand. She is absolutely, hands down, the greatest girl I've ever met. I miss her teasing, her loud voice, her personality. We would go to lunch together every single day. Going to lunch with Kenzie usually means going to town pump to get some corn dogs and a blue mt. dew. We were inserperable my last year at home and I knew Kenzie didn't want me to move. I'm so sorry I did.

When I'm at the hospital I feel devastated. When I'm away, I feel guilty. 

I'm fucking pissed. Everyone else gets to keep their sisters. I want mine. We are supposed to get old together. I want my sister back. It isn't fair of God to give her to me just long enough to love her. I can't even hear her voice in my dreams anymore. I want her to call me and tell me about this great truck she just saw. I want her to recognize me. I want her to know how much I love her.