At the beginning of this journey, we were praying for Kenzie to live. Everyday she was back and forth between critical and stable. Then she lived. Then we started waiting, then we kept waiting.
Every single day our lives is a roller coaster. Somedays the doctors are hopeful, sometimes they say she won't ever wake up. Then she moves or acts like she knows we are there and our hearts soar! Just to have the doctor come in and tell us the best thing for her is to just let her die.
It's so hard to keep hoping and have faith when you know that even if she comes back, it won't be MY Kenzie. Sometimes the doctors say that she will have no quality of life and absolutely no chance of an independent life.
And then she moves finger when my parents ask her to...
How are you supposed to take all that? It's such an emotional journey and when people say "stay strong" I wanna punch them in the face. If you were in my situation, (your little sister/best friend's life has been taken, but yet she is still alive) how would YOU take it. How in the world would you possibly be able to "stay strong"? Your entire life has been flipped upside down, you have to watch your parents' hearts break, Kenzie's friends hurting and your extended family crumbling. Every morning when I wake up I have to ask myself "How are you going to get yourself through the day?" and every night it's so easy to think "Wouldn't it be so simple to just not wake up?" but then I think of my parents and Starr and it's such a selfish thought. You have to deal with her life being over, the thought of her starting a new one and if it really is best for us to be keeping her here.
In my heart, I feel that Kenzie isn't ready to quit. She waited for the EMT's to get there before she stopped breathing and she hasn't quit since. Her heart hasn't skipped a beat. I think she will let us know when she's ready, and from what I see, she isn't even close.
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